what is happening?

so here we are. turns out that adding the right person to facebook results in the most glorious connection in all of time. i didn't want to get into it earlier because one can never be too careful about counting one's chickens before they've hatched. and 2 weeks ago i was confident and started counting my chickens.

so what caused me to feel that it was time for chicken counting (ok that's the end of the chicken thing. promise). it started with the best first date ever in all of time. it's amazing the instant comfort i felt as soon as my head hit his shoulder. and how the perfect play list was compiled without any information to go on but a lousy, uninformative facebook music list. the awesome continues with letters from home describing the place he grew up. i felt like i was there. i feel like i could go there and recognize the places described in the emails. letters signed with hugs and declarations of perfection and wishing i was there too only add to the happiness. the warmth of his arms, the tingles i feel from thousands of kisses and the smell of him could make me lie there forever. then there are 3 hour phone calls even though he hates the phone and cuddling at concerts an beers in the setting sunlight coming in through the pub window. he's hilarious, creative, caring, kind, talented and loves his family. he told me i'm amazing and beautiful.

everything was fantastic.

except.

except for the initial feelings of weirdness spouted while having a moment of perfection that brought tears to my eyes. and even though apologies were made, the seed has been planted that there are doubts. so now, at the 6 week mark, the emails have decreased and the suggestion of a family dinner has been glazed over like it was never suggested and there are no plans to see each other again, and plans were rejected for this weekend, the fear is quickly growing. it's rising up over my head like a wave and i'm waiting for the break. it's all going to come crashing down on my head, knocking me off my feet and sending me spinning, flying, out of control, even though i saw it coming.

i never want this wave to crash.

i love this song.

please. there is no need to be a jerk.

why do people feel the need to be douche bags to the people who are taking care of their children? if i hate you, chances are i'm gonna hate your kid. just by default. so here's the list. you might be an ass hole if:

a) you try to scam the early drop off. jesus man! you know the drill! you can drop your kid off at 8:00 if you pay the $20!! and don't try to act like you don't know what i'm talking about. we had this fight (which you won on a technicality) on week one. now you're back and these are the rules. if you can "stick around" until 8:30, you can just wait until then to show up. fucker.

b) you flip out over a lifejacket. why do you think that i would knowingly endanger your child? the boat is huge!! no one wears lifejackets. it's like getting on the ferry and putting on a lifejacket. your kid is not going to fall off and you would not put a lifejacket on them if you went on as a family. ok. i get your concern. really i do. this is your kid. but i would never plan an activity that i didn't think was 300% safe. and no one is more cautious of the water than me. for real. and if you want your kid to wear the lifejacket on the huge sailing ship, i'm down. i don't care if your kid hates their life and looks like a moron. all you need to do is talk to me like a civilized adult, and request that your child wear the lifejacket. there is no need to scream at my staff and i in the lobby with other parents, kids and staff there about how we decieved you and purposely didn't inform parents that their kids would be on a boat.

c) you ignore me when i tell you your kid is causing trouble. nothing infuriates me more than when parents don't have enough respect for me to listen to me when i talk to them. i'm not just telling you your kid is bad for my health. i hate getting kids in trouble with their parents. i only do it when there is a good reason. like holding up the whole field trip for 20 minutes because all of the sudden and for no good reason, the kid decides he doesn't want to go on the field trip. so he sits there. and doesn't move. no wonder the kid is a jerk to everyone. i see where he gets it.

so thats all for now. i'm tired and annoyed and i'm going to bed. i'll add to the list at a later time.

i don't like giving up on people

so here i am. pissed off. just as i expected. thanks for nothing. i'm done.

strange social connections

how well do you have to know someone before you can add them to facebook? it's so weird, you know? you put yourself out there and so many random people add you as 'friends' but everytime i click to add someone as a friend, i question how tight that friendship is. why is that? it seems like there doesn't have to be any sort of relationship at all for some people to add people to this ridiculous web of social connections. and other people will only add their nearest and dearest as friends on facebook. i'm torn somewhere in the middle. i don't want to be one of those people who has 700 'friends'. no one has 700 friends. but i think that adding the occasional casual acquaintance is fine.

so here is where my conundrum lies. adding someone i work with, but don't really know at all, but would like to know better. i mean, i don't know if we'll be best friends forever, but after the half hour conversation we had today, i think it might be ok. why am i always questioning who i am to other people? and i don't even (always) mean in any sort of intense or romantic way. i just mean, will they recoil in confusion at my request to be their 'friend'. will they wonder, what is this girl doing? this strange girl who thinks she knows me and adds me to facebook like i'm her best friend. i don't even know her. what is she doing?

facebook brings out my insecurities. but i'm going to go for it. bring on the awkward.

i hope you know i care

so i know this won't be seen by the right person. and i doubt they'll read the email. but i'm putting it out there anyway.

happy birthday.

i miss you.

i hope you're ok.

ouch, i have lost myself again

how did i get back here? although, i guess i'm not entirely sure i ever left.

i guess it is a bit different. my feelings definitely changed back around the end of april. i think it's just because it's the summer and last summer was so completely different that it feels like it was a thousand years ago and i just miss the way things were.

it's strange to me how other people can just not care. how is that even possible? we were both part of the "friendship" or whatever it was. i never got the impression that it was nothing. but i don't know why i can't move on. it's been so long and i have no reason to think that we'll ever talk again. i was never lead on. it was always completely clear that nothing was going to happen. not that i even want anything to happen. i hate this. i just want to talk. just to see how things are going. i've never been just cut off so completely and finally by someone i considered a friend before. it's not fair how other people get to make decisions that have such an impact on someone else's life. i didn't get a say in this.

he told me once that he thought i tended to write pretty interesting stuff [except for lately i've been queen of the mopeys] and that's why he read my blog. i wonder if he still thinks about me since i told him to stop reading? probably not. i need to get it through my head. he's just another one to add to the list. selfish jerks who don't care.

postsecret created a short video. i love it. here it is.

sometimes people surprise you and sometimes they don't

not surprising: he didn't call.

i know it's my fault too. but this is why i don't trust people. i know that people say things they don't mean when they're trying to get what they want, but to try to talk about plant anatomy and to actually carry on a conversation about it, that seems like a little too much effort for someone to put in for a one night stand. there are a thousand other things to talk about. and to remember random things that i said a month ago about whatever? i don't know. i guess i'm just really naive. this is where we were headed all along.

surprising: i got the best advice from someone who i didn't think would care either way.

most people i had a conversation with about this [which was only 3 or 4 people] said that i should just botty call him and have fun and that he should be my random hook up friend. and then there was one person i talked to last night who said that i shouldn't do anything because i'm not that kind of person and that he thought i'd regret it and end up getting hurt because i actually care about people and deserve to have people care about me. which this guy clearly does not. honestly, i was shocked that he said that to me. not because i don't think it's not true, but because i would have considered myself least close to him on the list of friends. but he gave the advice of a real friend. and for that i'm greatful.

i think that i was feeling exactly what he told me about me not being the random hook up kind of girl, i just needed to hear it. but i'm getting tired of not having anyone in my life. i think i was really only considering it because a random someone is better than no one. but i know i'd never last. i would end up hurt and going crazy. i'd be too invested and want more.

------------------------

on an unrelated note, if you kick someone out of your life, is it ok to wish them a happy birthday? because the boot was given under conditions of extreme stress and frustration. i immediately regreted the action that was taken and wish pretty much every day that i could take it back. i thought i'd stop caring. that it would just fade away. but i haven't stopped. i still wonder how he's doing and what he's up to. i care because i know that things were difficult and he's good people and i want everything to be ok for him.

ugh. i hate how much i care about everything. why do i need to always get so invested? such a waste of energy. no one ever cares anywhere near as much back. except my advice friend. once, he cared more than i did and i hurt him.

this is getting too mopey. i'm done.

kinda blah but trying not to stress

how do i end up in situations like this? i would call myself a smart girl. yet, here i am. in a not smart situation. i started out so pissed off. i don't even know how it got so out of hand. it will not be happening again.

it could have just as easily been me to send this to postsecret. fitting that it was posted today.

personal dna

You are an Experiencer

Your inquisitive nature, imagination, and hands-on practicality make you an EXPERIENCER.

Although you have an active imagination, you also concern yourself with the functional elements of things.

You are willing to experiment to find things that work the most efficiently.

Getting stuck in certain habits is boring to you—you'd rather find new experiences.

Accordingly, experiences are more important to you than objects—you'd rather spend your money and energy on events and adventures than on material things.

You like to contemplate a lot of options before making a decision, and you're willing and able to consider a lot of different angles to problems.

You're open to suggestions, and often rely on others to assess the merit of those suggestions.

You have an ability to see the big picture—not just how things are, but how they could be—in a variety of situations.

You're well-attuned to your emotional state, and not afraid to use your feelings to guide you. You tend to be cooperative, rarely contradicting others, and always considerate of their feelings.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:

Have faith that your imagination and practicality will complement each other, and lead to good decisions on your part.

Take the initiative in seeking things out—don't wait for them to come to you.
how you relate to others

You are Benevolent

You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT

You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.

Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.

You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.

You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you've never met.

Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others.

Other people's feelings are important to you, and you're good at mediating disputes.

Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.

If you want to be different:

You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!

Sometimes you can get overcommitted, and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you, it can make them feel unimportant.

funniest thing ever.

do you smell something burning?

i do. i think it's some liar pants on fire.

why do people have to say things they don't mean? is it an attempt to save my feelings? because it doesn't work. my attempt to be less trusting is not coming along very well. but why wouldn't i believe someone when they say they'll call after their busy next few days? especially after they've called about 10 times already?

i need to stop caring. and the thing is, i didn't care. not at all. until the satement that there would be a call in a few days. then i started waiting for the call. and started caring. silly me.

exhausted.

what a week. if the rest of the summer is this exhausting, i'm going to need to take a week off before school starts. i really like working with kids, but there are some kids that i just can't handle. kicking kids out of day camp is a difficult thing to do but sometimes it just needs to happen. but it kinda broke my heart.

why am i not surprised?

it always seems that i end up the fool. why is that? why are there such jerks out there and why do i always end up crossing their path? i guess its my fault this time for putting myself in the situation in the first place, but i really did feel like it was a legitimate situation. but i felt that the last time too. and we all know how that turned out.

either way, now i feel more than a little bit pathetic. so that's always awesome.

yes, i'm still here

i know. it's been forever since i've written. i've been busy, but that's not an excuse because i have had plenty to talk about.

so the class with the clone went gloriously. i loved every second of it and am pretty sad that it's over. i ended up seeing the instructor play his instrument of choice with a band. it was amazing. i could have seriously sat there all night and listened to him play. i'm on the lookout for the next time he plays.

my job started. lets talk about how frustrating that is. there is a complete lack of support and i can't stand it. i have been there for 5 years. i know what's going on. i can't imagine what it would be like for someone who has no experience. i have a meeting tomorrow with the head of it all. hopefully i can get some of my points across.

a lot of my friends have moved back to the area. i had a reunion of monumental proportions on friday night. all the ladies from my guarding days. it was crazy. had a good time though. hopefully there will be some more good times.

so about this whole not writing thing... i've been thinking about it a lot lately. i'll think that i want to write, and then just not do it. this is the conclusion i've come to. the one person who i really wanted to read this, i told to fuck off. i started it for me, but i continued it for him. mistake. and in my realization of this, i've also realized that if i did ever run into him on the street, i could pick it up exactly where it ended off like none of the badness ever happened. i miss him a lot.

this is getting ridiculous

what's up with moron kids? calling/emailing/leaving notes threatening your high school with bomb threats is just being a fucking stupid kid. it's not funny. it's not cool. it's just stupid. 3 high schools yesterday closed, and 3 more today. 2 of the 3 today were 2 that were closed yesterday. i mean, COME ON! today was obviously just a bunch of fucking copy cats trying to be "the man" or whatever. grow the fuck up.

one of the schools does not need a bomb threat. not that any of them do, but this one in particular is trying to repair the shitty image that was bestowed upon it back in the day by the fuckheads and media. everyone in my time at the school worked hard to bring the image around. people are proud of their school and the stupid people of today and yesterday are just ruining everything for everyone who is proud of their high school. i'd like to slap these kids and try to get them to see the bigger picture.

it's over *tear*

baaaahahahahahahahaha!!!

oh my god. tonight may have been the most hilarious night of my entire life. bruce frisko, you are the man. i can't believe that guy actually got the tattoo. awesome.

and running into people who i absolutely love? icing on the cake.

they say everyone has a twin

it just so happens that the instructor for my class is the damn clone of the one person i'd rather not have standing in front of me for two and a half hours every day for the next 3 weeks given the status of our now definitely non-relationship. know how hard it is to concentrate on what the clone is saying when you're thinking about all the stupid things that mean nothing that you should not be thinking about? the clone even has the same fucking name! what the hell! i'm being punished. i must be. because it's not fair to taunt me like this for no reason. ugh.

classes and jobs

so i got the job i didn't want. but now that i have it, i'm ok with it. should be ok. i'm looking forward to be in charge. and today was the first day of my summer class. it seems like it'll be ok. the reader will cost me $100 on top of the $660 the class costs.... holy expensive. i hate that one class is costing me almost $1000. stupid universtiy. i better get an A in this class after blowing cell biology the way i did. i'm so pissed about that. but whatever. what's done is done, right?

p.s. still no dinner with my father...

silence like a cancer grows

my whole life, my family has had supper together every day. well, every day that we are all home. except weekends. weekends are usually a free for all. it's obviously gotten harder to do as my brothers and i have gotten older with people working, late classes, friends, sports, and stuff like that. but more often than not, my whole family has supper together. i know, its weird but we do it.

except lately.

i'm not really sure what happened. my dad hasn't eaten supper with the family since friday. he's been home every night. mom sets a plate for him. but he never comes and eats. i have no idea why. no one in my family talks. i have no idea what's going on. jesus.

this is beginning to eat out my insides and feeding my desire to get the hell out of here. but that would actually be running away, wouldn't it?

and here it is!

i joined this group weeks ago. awesome.

alskjfhaskldhflaskjdhgf

thats how i feel.

i am completely torn over this whole summer job thing. i want a job i haven't even applied for and don't want the job i think i'm going to get. and if i get the job, i can't turn it down [complicated situation]. i am now kind of hoping i don't get it. but if i don't, i have no guarantee that i'll get the job i want to get.

ugh. stressing.

ugh. struggling.

i don't know what to do. i am so stressed over this whole summer job thing. i am pretty much in love with the description for the whale watching assistant job. i would love that job. but i have this hang up about going to digby for the summer. why? all i want is to get the hell out of halifax. why is this so difficult? i do not want to work where i think i'll end up working. so why don't i just go to digby? ugh. so stressed.

the quote at the end of this weeks grey's that i think pretty much says it all:

desire leaves us heart broken
desire can wreck our lives
but as tough as wanting something can be
the people who suffer the most
are those who don't know what they want

the beat of my heart, it tears us apart

yeah that's right. i just quoted hillary duff. but i felt it was fitting in this case.

monday was a shit day for me. i failed an exam and pushed someone the rest of the way out of my life. i was angry and hurt and possibly over-reacted. and then after it happened, i felt horrible. i've never felt so horrible and had so much regret.

but today, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i think that i'm finally going to be able to move on. my head feels clear and that strange ache in my chest, you know the one that makes you feel like crying, is not there. for the first time in a long time. i won't be wondering when the next apperance will be. and that's a great thing.

it's sad that i had to do it. it was such a small non-issue that was driving me crazy, but it was a self preservation thing. someone who doesn't care should not be someone i want to have in my life. so...gone. and it feels good. i'll remember the good times. that's all i can say.

in my still distraught state yesterday, i went looking for jobs that were not in halifax. i was ready to leave at a moments notice yesterday. i was still in pain over the whole pushing incident. i found a listing for a whale watching business up in the digby area. they want someone who can run the gift shop and book tours and all that. it's apparently a pretty biologicaly informative and environmentally friendly operation. the guy who runs it is actually a marine biologist and ecologist and has a masters in environmental science and is into conservation and all that. that's frigging awesome. i thought about applying. i think it would be cool. except...digby for the summer? really? would i hate it? or would it be the perfect little break from halifax? i might email him and ask for some more info.

thinking about leaving yesterday made me feel kinda shitty because i felt like i was running away. from everything. but then i remembered that line in catch-22 when yossarian is being critisized for leaving and he says "there is nothing negative about running away to save my life".

ah the bitter taste of regret.

it's only been 12 hours and i already hate myself for the stupid stupid thing i did. but i can't fix it.

ugh.

way to push someone away, loser....

and more tears. awesome.

it's almost over!!

i can pretty much taste it. sweet freedom. my last exam is tonight at 7 then i'm done! ow ow!!

well, done until may 5 when my summer class starts. haha! but i think that class will be a joke. popular music before 1960? yeah. think i can handle it. i wanted to take guitar theory and history because they actually teach you how to play guitar, but its during the day and runs till the end of june. and [hopefully] i will be working by the end of may. so i can't take it. sad but oh well.

i'm a little nervous about this cell bio exam. i love cell bio and the prof, but there is just soooo much confusing information to remember and understand. i feel like i could study for a thousand years and still not know everything. i need to get an 80 on this exam and i'll get an A in the class. and that would be a glorious thing, wouldn't it? an A in cell biology? yes. i got an A in my technology and environment philosophy class though. first A ever! but that class was kind of a joke. everyone should take it. plus the prof loved me.

ok. back to studying. i will OWN you cell bio!

what the hell. seriously.

dear americans,

i've had enough of your fucking guns. what's up with shooting people? first virginia tech and now nasa? this week has been ridiculous and all it proves is that you need to do something with your gun laws. for real. clearly there needs to be some more intense background and psychological checking done before you should be able to buy a gun.

and another question, dear americans - why the need to carry concealed weapons? i understand that some of you want to seem like big and important people, but obviously you can't handle the responsibility. some of you think its your civil right to be able to carry a gun, but i seriously do not understand the need. you think that in your general every day lives you may be required to shoot something/someone? arguments of self defence are basically bullshit. because if no one was carrying a gun, it wouldn't be an issue. do you have a fear of someone coming at you with a gun for no reason that will require you to act in self defence? the way i see it is, if you're involved with the sorts of people who feel they actually need a gun to get through their everyday life, you're probably in some kind of trouble and possibly hanging out with a troubled group of people.

all you pro-gun nuts out there who are suggesting things like, "if the virginia tech students had been carrying guns, this could have been prevented", sould be set adrift on some sort of make-shift raft and left to fend for yourselves [i'm talking to you ted nugent - read here]. because that is definitely the most absurd thing i have ever heard. more guns is not the solution to this problem. less guns is the solution. yeah, the bad guys will probably always have guns. but this virginia tech guy got his guns legally. that's the problem. i'm not saying hunting rifles should go. it's the random people carrying assult weapons that is the problem. if it were legal for everyone to carry a gun everywhere, crazier people than this guy will be walking around everyday armed. yeah, great idea....

you will never convince me that carrying a gun is a good idea. ever. that some people seem so willing to shoot someone else is quite disturbing. when tempers get heated and people are carrying guns, things can escalate quickly. thats when problems start to happen. or, if everyone has a gun, people will start just shooting people and crying self defence. or they thought they were being a hero.

so in conclusion friends, i just want to say, put down the gun and start living like canadians. everyone will like you a whole lot more.

much love from the north,

me.
------------------------------------------------------------

ok. that's all i'm going to say on it. i've definitely reached my breaking point on this whole thing. i'm tired of crying and being angry.

one word that i know i could definitely go the rest of my life without ever hearing again is 'massacre'. pretty unlikely, i know, but i can hope, can't i?

which care bear am i? [aka a break from the sadness]

Share Bear You are Share Bear! You are friendly and know how much fun it is to give some of your good things to others. You are very generous, sharing, and friendly. You are a fantastic friend, but sometimes easily distracted. You aslo represent caring.
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

overwhelmed and guilty

so i've been watching cnn all evening and i was checking the cnn website every 15 minutes or so all day because i can't tear myself away from the tragedy at virginia tech. stuff like this really affects me. i'm drawn to disasters like this not because i'm a sucker for human suffering. i just feel like if i can share in their pain, maybe it will help them to know that even strangers are mourning with them. does that even make sense? and i think that this is extra hard because i am a university student. this could have just as easily happened here.

but after all the coverage i've been watching/reading on this, it's really starting to get to me. i'm feeling overwhelmed and i need a break. but that makes me feel guilty. because the VT students don't get a break. they will never get a break. they'll go home for the summer, come back in the fall and it will still be there. 20 years from now, it will still be there for them. so the least i can do is try to share in their story.

or is that strange and voyeuristic to sit here watching hours of cnn? is that just encouraging the "if it bleeds, it leads" style of brodcasting that i hate? is cnn covering this because they really do want to tell the students' stories? or are they just doing it because they know if they don't, no one will be watching cnn?

i've always had little to no love for the news media. after my experiences with the media in high school, i felt that it was a totally corrupt system led by ratings hungry news stations just looking to make money at anyone's expence. they put their spin on a story to make it more interesting without bothering to find out the actual facts, or just tell the necessary ones.

lately, however, i've started to come around a little bit. it's definitely still all about ratings [obviously, its a business] but there are reporters who care. my fondness for anderson cooper over the last year or so has caused me to watch a lot more news with a more open mind. anderson seems to actually care. maybe he's playing the biggest game of all, but he plays it well and has most people fooled. he cries and yells and gets worked up on camera so that's good enough for me. i actually think he cares. through my AC360 watching, i've gotten to "know" other cnn personalities and i think i've gotten pretty good at seperating the bullshitters from the sincere.

the unfortunate thing is i still have no love for my local news teams. they all seem fake to me. i read the paper for local news. which has its own problems. we'll save that for another post at another time.

today we are all hokies

so i know it was yesterday but it's today that i'm seeing all the news. and it's a sad day. even though i'm no where near virginia tech, i can't help but feel affected by this. it could have happened anywhere really. it's heartbreaking and terrifying and i hope that nothing like it ever happens again. my school has lowered flags to half mast out of respect. i wish there was something i could do.

the one thing that is bothering me is the media. i know that i've been glued to cnn since it happened and i want to know what's going on, but i feel for the students who are just trying to get through this but have cameras and microphones shoved in their faces. that has to be hard.

i don't really know what else to say. my thoughts are with them all.

sunday sunday

blah.

that's the word of the day. sunday's are so boring. there is nothing on tv, there is nothing good on the internet. i should be studying but i can't get myself interested. i have no one to call because everyone is busy with whatever is going on in their life at the moment: working, parents in town, fiances, actually studying...

i want to play my guitar but i have a broken string [again] and have no replacements. i need to start buying more than one set of strings at a time. you'd think i'd learn my lesson. but i didn't actually break the string this time. it was my brother. so i guess technically he owes me a set of strings.

i think that this would have been the perfect summer to find a job not in halifax. this is the first time in my life that i actually have absolutely no reason to be in halifax for a summer. other summers had lame ass reasons for wanting to be here like fun times at lower deck patio parties with friends and following shameless around, but that's not gonna happen this summer [married partners in crime have less time for such activities]. and other summers had real reasons like, someone i was seeing and actual good jobs that meant something. but this summer? i got nothing. no someone, no good job, no shameless following.

ugh. get me out of here.

the best thing about today? vanity fair's green issue. i don't care what you're doing right now, get up and go get this magazine. right now. and read it. the whole thing. cover to cover. you can check out the table of contents to find out what's covered right here.

this is what i want to do with my life. i want to save the world.

goodbye saturday

i couldn't be happier that today is ending. i have never been more tired of the bullshit.

mmmmm

oh jeffery dean morgan. you so fine. i wish you were still on grey's. but i heard you learned how to play guitar for an upcoming role. delicious. i am looking forward to seeing this.

please don't die and make me cry again.

thank you.

me *heart*

such .....lack of greatness

so i didn't get the awesome lab job i was hoping i'd get this summer. i was thinking that i had a great chance. i know i kicked the interviews ass. but i guess because i'm not actually a micro student, that's the problem. so now what does that mean? i'm stuck staying where i'm at now. ugh. how much do i not want to spend my summer there? words can't even begin to describe it. and i don't even know that that job is a sure thing. there is still a good chance that i could be unemployed this summer. well, no i won't be unemployed. i'll be working at like wal-mart or some shitty ass place like that. ugh. i've never been in such a shit state for a summer job before. pretty depressing. even if i get a job with my current employer i have the entire month of may with nothing to do. i should take a class or something. blah. i hate feeling shitty.

such greatness!

today i am in love with facebook for reconnecting me with one of the greatest people i have ever known.

i am also in love with rock climbing. i may not love it tomorrow if i'm not able to walk, but right now, i'm a happy girl. actually, i'll probably be able to walk. i think it's my arms and shoulders that are going to be killing me tomorrow. we shall see!

but now and again i find, you cross my mind

so i just saw new-to-me pictures of people i haven't seen in a long time. kinda made me a little sad.

no, sad isn't the right word. disappointed is the right word. but i guess i'm kinda sad that i felt disappointed. haha does that even make sense?

ahh i don't want to think about it anymore. i'm not gonna see them again so there's no point in letting myself fall back into it.

what famous movie kiss am i?

"I have always been standing in your doorway. Isn't it about time somebody saved your life?"

turns out my famous move kiss is from spiderman. i'm not sad about that. haha this kiss is hot.

what famous movie kiss are you?

happy easter!

so is everyone enjoying their ham dinners today? or turkey? we're eating ham. but it should have been so much more. we were supposed to go to my grandmothers with all my mom's family for a huge easter pot luck but the snow made us not want to drive on the highway this morning.

but know what the snow didn't stop? my shameless night at the copper penny.

oh yeah. we're dedicated. it was pretty messy when we went, but the way home wasn't so bad at all. and we didn't have to fight for a cab. we had one set up. the cab driver we had on the way to the penny was awesome. haha he gave us his cell phone number so we could call him to pick us up after. so that was fantastic.

it's been soo long since i've gone to a great dancing night with shameless. we had so much fun. it's strange not knowing the new guys though but they kick a lot of ass. but it was weird to hear the wrong voice sing video killed the radio star. and to add to it, he screwed up the words. it was only a quick moment of nostalgia though.

another strange weird thing [but awesome weird] was seeing a girl i haven't seen since grade 6. hoooly. it was crazy. we were good buds too back in the day. we tried to have a little chat but it was loud and we were drunk so we exchanged numbers and we're gonna get together and have a chat about old times and i'm gonna fill her in on where people are now.

so tomorrow the insane studying begins. my first exam is on the 20th and i pretty much need to teach myself the entire course because i didn't go to any lectures since the midterm. but i was looking over the notes and there is a half a lecture on what is a carbon sink. so i think i'll be ok. i also need to kick cell biology's ass. if i can pull off an 80 on the exam, i'll get an A- in the class. and i got an 80 on the midterm with minimal studying, so i'd say it's totally doable.

and now i think i need to nap. there's no such thing as too much shameless but there is such a thing as too little sleep.

actually, i am not five years old and i know what i'm doing.

i'm not sure what's going on at work lately. i've worked there for 5 years now and i'm pretty sure of what goes on and how things work [believe it or not].

so why is it that all of the sudden i've started getting condescending e-mailes from my supervisor detailing various procedures and little "reminders" about what needs to be done.

yeah, i've got it all under control, thanks.

it wouldn't be so bad getting these e-mails if i was actually slacking off or screwing up, but i'm not. and i know i'm not. i've even stepped it up a notch to make sure he was happy with everything. but i keep getting the fucking e-mails. and it's starting to make me hate him.

i don't know what changed, or what's going on with this supervisor [i'm not there during the week when he is] but this needs to stop. if his supervisor is coming down on him about stupid little things and pissing him off, well he needs to deal with that and stop projecting it on me. i hate being pissed off about everything when i'm there. it's one day a week. it shouldn't have me this furious.

if other people are screwing up and he's pissed about that and he wants me to do something about it, he should just come out and say that. but i'm not really seeing anyone doing anything really wrong and honestly i'm not going to put that much effort into figuring it out. if they want me to take on some kind of supervisor role, they're gonna want to start paying me for it. because right now, i've worked there 5 years and make the same wage as people who just started in september. sooo eff that. yeah.

i heart stress.

kinda freaking out. yup. here comes summer.

its the time of year where i stress out because of the whole term ending, projects due, exam time thing.

but adding to this, for really the first time ever, is my complete uncertanty about where i will be working this summer.

the summer camp job that was supposed to be my fall-back totally fell through [as i previously blogged about] and the lab jobs i dream of are not looking like they're going to be coming through for me either.

so where does that leave me?

the job i have now hires extra people for the summer, but i already made a big deal about not wanting to work there this summer. and working there = working weekends. which is shit because no one i know works weekends. all my friends do the real job thing and are thus off on weekends. plus i'm not even sure if they'll hire me for the summer because it is known that i'm looking for other things.

i just need a job. please. someone give me a job.

also stressing me out right now is the whole, what am i going to do with my life thing. i want to go to med school. pretty much more than i want to do anything. but i know that there is no way i will ever get in. my chances are probably actually zero.

so after an amazing compliment from someone on the weekend, i've started to reconsider the teacher option. high school biology would be awesome. maybe. i think about my high school bio teacher and she was amazing. if i could be her, it would be fantastic. but would i be happy doing the same thing every year for the rest of my life? the high school bio program is pretty much the exact same now that my youngest brother [7 years younger] is in grade 12 as it was when i was. gross. and as much as i worry about how i would deal with teaching, i wonder if i'd even get into an education program.

i'm beginning to feel a little hopeless.

interesting thoughts on colin firth

so just to be totally shallow, i have a comment.

colin firth just might be one of the most attractive men on the planet [in my opinion].

however.

he just might be one of the most awkward screen kissers i have ever seen. and i would not like to kiss him [much to my dismay].

this is colin getting coffee dumped on him as part of a make trade fair campaign in 2004. see? you questioned his atractiveness in the beginning. i know you did. but he supports oxfam so how can he not be hot?

plus...i'm strangly turned on by this. maybe i shouldn't rule anything out completely...

you can see the rest of the celebrities getting dumped on here
[incase you've never seen this before]

so. full.

i can't even begin to describe the disgusting eating habits i had today.

gross.

for breakfast i had an egg mcmuffin. lunch was a chicken schwarma pita from venus pizza. afternoon snack was a lot of icing.

it doesn't end there.

supper was fish and chips and after supper?

a pig out junk food feast, the likes of which have not been seen since the great dessert-a-thon of 2006. we had, fuzzy peaches, sour apple gummies, cheesies, chocolate almonds, mini eggs (regular and popping ones), nacho cheese doritos, ketchup chips, foil wrapped chocolate eggs, party mix, chocolate ice cream, vanilla ice cream, cool whip, pepermint chocolate cookies, caramel chocolate cookies, aaaand....that might be it.

it's a wonder i was able to walk to my car.

what would your sign say?

i went to the afcoop frameworks screening tonight. it was fantastic. well, mostly. haha some of the films were a little "artsy", but i can appreciate the the work someone puts into their craft. one film showed while 3 people played live music in the theatre! it was awesome. drums, guitar and bass. it was a bass driven piece and just made me want to learn even more how to play.

so i went because a friend had an animation in the festival. it was about a lightening bug who falls in love with a neon sign. very cute.

i only have 2 classes tomorrow so i'm done at 11:30!! woo woo!! what am i going to do with another free afternoon? only time will well.

and now i'm going to bed. because i'm so tired.

happy spring, lovers!

and it's the first day of spring. beautiful. and it's sunny out! more beautiful! and my afternoon class was cancelled! what! is it even possible for this day to get any more amazing?

why yes it is.

i walked all the way downtown from school, i walked along the waterfront from the Keith's Brewery [which is pretty much my favourite thing ever, especially in the non-summer because this time of year it smells like ocean and not like harbour], took the ferry, got home and there was fudge on the kitchen table, and now, because i'm home and it's not even 3:00 i'm going to take a nap [because i was up till after 2 writing a paper that i thought was due tuesday next week, but turned out it was due yesterday...oops].

glorious!!

what's with today today?

so the song that starts your day sets the tone for the day. happens every time.

the lesson we learned was, no more random shuffle to start the day. only planned play lists of pre-approved morning songs.

green beer, random meetings, and crushes

oh st patty's day... such a useless holiday. it's just another excuse to get overly intoxicated. i saw a group of six girls at tim hortons at 8:30am all decked out in their st patty's gear. people were out drinking at 7am. that's too intense for me in every way. plus i had to work till 5. so no beer at 7am for me.

after work i headed down to the red stag to meet up with some friends and have a few beers. it was jammed. it was a pretty good time overall. i ran into a girl from work who was with her fiance and a bunch of their friends. turns out he is in the same program as my ecology ta. she was there. pretty hilarious actually. we bonded over green beer and she told me not to be awkward on tuesday in lab because we saw each other hammered. haha no worries.

so as the green beer continued to flow, i found myself with an awesome sparkly green hat, dancing with a random guy wearing a green mask, and jamming to signal hill. i think this was the first time i have ever partied for st patty's day and it was pretty fun. i would have liked it more if the people i was with were more about dancing and mingling and not just hanging out on couches, but it was still cool.

also as the night went on, i found myself realizing that i'm always really happy to see one particular person whenever i see them. which isn't really all that often. it's not going to turn into anything, but crushes are (sometimes) fun so we'll roll with it.

ok i'm gonna throw on a few pics (the rest are on facebook) and then get back to work. i have way to much homework to be wasting time like this...

so there were pics here, but i took them down. they're still on facebook so if you're my facebook friend you can see them there. if not, well, looks like you're out of luck.

self-conscious guitarist

i was just sitting in the sub where there are all kinds of chairs for just sitting and chilling and there was a guy sitting in the same area and he had a guitar. he wasn't singing, but he was playing and he was fantastic. and he was just sitting around playing. this wasn't any kind of performance thing.

i wish i could do that! i love playing my guitar almost more than anything. but i don't play for people. well, hardly ever. i play once i'm drunk at parties. then people don't really realize that i suck. heh. i really want to get better. i want to be as good as people who get up on stage and play. i might have to drop out of school and just play guitar all day long. wouldn't that be glorious?

and speaking of guitarists up on stage.... tomorrow = st pattys day = needing lots of beer = red stag = signal hill and wreckhouse = delicious. haha!

happy thursday!

so i worked today. i gave up my day off and worked. i haven't had an actual day off in 3 weeks. sooo tired.

anyway, working today was so much fun. it was insane, but fantastic.

i may have gotten my big break. yup. just give it some time. i'll be on the red carpet. with some super hot hollywood type on my arm. just wait.

oh. speaking of hot, hot dad's should always travel in groups. always.

p.s. tonight i watched are you smarter than a fifth grader?. and one of the questions was from 2nd grade geography. and it read, "what country is on the northern border of the us?". and the woman hesitated. and then asked the 5th grader for the answer (kind of like a lifeline). she didn't know the answer. she didn't know that canada was north of the us. i've never actually been that shocked by a stupid american before.

balls to that

so apparently 5 years of my science job and 2 summers working at a science day camp and 6 years of teaching swimming lessons is not enough to get you a job as an instructor with the science summer camps that the university puts on. but they did suggest i work as a volunteer. right. balls to that. are they kidding me? we go to the same school. we all know what tuition is. volunteering is awesome, but it doesn't pay the bills. that's something you do once a week. not for a summer.

i'm pretty pissed. i wrote back to my rejection email and asked for specific details about their reasons for not offering me an interview. they said competition was tough. competition was tough? i was the competition. they have no idea what they could have benefited from my experience. they didn't even talk to my references. i don't usually get over-confident about things, but seriously, not hiring me is their loss. i know that i'm great at my job and i'm great with kids. i've been teaching kids for nine years. nine years! so yeah. they lose out.

anderson cooper and the catholic religion

so last night on anderson cooper 360 they had a special. it was about a cnn anchor who was molested by a priest as a young man. it was upsetting and horrible and everything you'd imagine a story about molestation to be. in the end, it turned out that the priest only served 10 months of an 18 month sentence which was reduced from a 5 year sentence. incredible. and to top it all off, the vatican has not defrocked this man, and he continues to serve as a priest. it's outrageous.

ok, so how does anderson cooper fit into all this? i read an anderson cooper blog that isn't at all about trashy gossip. it's usually an intelligent discussion about the content of the show and pretty much doesn't discuss anderson at all. i mean, every so often there are mentionings of how anderson looked that night [his ties are discussed quite often and the frequency of his hair cuts...which is a little odd].

anyway, 360 has been somewhat lacking lately. they've gotten into a rut of showing repeated "specials" in the second hour of the show and repeating the same segments over and over. it was getting annoying and the show was dull so the discussion on the board started to get out of hand. the comments were always about what anderson was wearing or how he was looking and trips to the "naughty chair" for various dirty thoughts. that also got annoying. the blog authors are quite strict about not posting personal attacks on other people or comments about anderson's personal life. so when they stopped everyons comments about how hot/sexy anderson looked on a particular evening, the comments turned into cnn bashing. everyone complained about how the blog used to be full of intelligent discussion and they miss it.

so my point to this whole thing is, last night was amazing! sure it was another special but it was fantastic. it was hard to watch thomas roberts talk about what he went through and everything that came of it. there was plenty of points to fuel an intelligent discussion. this is part of the comment i left [not to presume my comment was all that intelligent, it was just my personal point of view]:

i thought last nights show was fantastic. thomas did an excellent job of telling his story, and so soon after coming forward with it. he is a brave man and i applaud him for trying to make a difference.
what i don't understand are all these catholic priests who molest young boys/men. seriously. how can you call yourself a man of God and behave this way? i am technically a catholic since i was baptised and confirmed (my parents wishes, not mine), but more and more i find myself embarrassed by my religion. their backwards thinking about birth control and condom use (even to prevent AIDS), their views on homosexuality, and these molestation cases (among other things) make it pretty impossible for me to call myself a member of the church.
i cannot believe that the vatican has not defrocked this man and that he is still working as a priest. that part of the story has me the most outraged. how can anyone have faith in an organization that won't do anything to protect its members from this kind of horrible abuse?

i was looking forward to read what everyone else had to stay on the subject. but you know what the comments ended up being? all about the great job anderson did interviewing thomas and how awful molestation must be. and about how people have been cnn bashing lately and how the comments have gotten out of control.

come on people! this was your opportunnity to speak your mind! give your opinion and have a discussion! what is wrong with the catholic religion? why won't the vatican defrock this priest? is it just that they're all a member of some "boys club"? what if the vatican relaxed its views on homosexuality? would that reduce the number of molestations? why don't we see this happening in other religions? why just catholisism?

i was looking forward to a huge discussion on the topic. but i guess it's not gonna happen. either way, the show was amazing and i wish that things would change within the catholic religion.

today was beautiful

oh my god it was awsome out today. spring is definitely coming and i love it.

after class i walked from school to all the way downtown to catch the bus and it was glorious. i love walking to catch the bus when it's nice out. and walking through the city is great. except when you get stuck walking behind slowbies. that's not fun. but it's fun when you run into people you know who are also walking because it's beautiful.

like today i ran into a friend. he left work early. so that was cool. and then i went to freak lunchbox and got a TON of candy. delicious. but because i walked so far downtown to catch the bus at a busy time of day, it was jammed and i had to stand. so that wasn't fun either.

but it was all worth it because i have a bag of red swedish fish, and bridge mixture. that's right, bridge mixture. maybe that makes me an old man, but i love it. especially the big jujube filled chocolate ones. yum. you can laugh. its ok. i'm secure in my lame candy choices. i also love roman nougat. and i'm not ashamed to say it!

ok. it's bed time. tomorrow = huge ecology assignment and group presentation. wish me luck.

only use two words to answer each question (yeah, i'm bored)

1. Explain What Ended Your Last Relationship: it's complicated

2. When Was The Last Time You Shaved?: last week

3. What Were You Doing This Morning At 8 a.m.? definitely sleeping

4. What Were You Doing 15 Minutes Ago?: facebook stalking

5. Are You Any Good At Math?: no way

6. Your Prom Night: super fun

7. Do You Have Any Famous Ancestors?: no idea

8. Have You Had To Take A Loan Out For School?: yes sir

9. Do You Know The Words To The Song On Your Myspace Profile?: by heart

10. Last Thing You Received In The Mail?: phone bill

11. How Many Different Beverages Have You Had Today?: maybe three?

12. Do You Ever Leave Messages On People's Answering Machine?: not usually

13. Who Did You Lose Your Concert "Virginity" To?: raine maida

14. Do You Draw Your Name In The Sand When You Go To The Beach?: yeah, sometimes

15. What's The Most Painful Dental Procedure You've Had?: tooth pulled

16. What Is Out Your Back Door?: my backyard

17. Any Plans For Friday Night?: probably homework

18. Do You Like What The Ocean Does To Your Hair?: love it

19. Have You Ever Received One Of Those Big Tins Of 3 Different Popcorns?: ha! yes!

20. Have You Ever Been To A Planetarium?: yes indeed

21. Do You Re-use Towels After You Shower?: yeah sometimes

22. Some Things You Are Excited About?: summer, surfing

23. What Is Your Favorite Flavor Of Jell-O?: probably strawberry

24. Describe Your Keychain(s)?: billabong lanyard

25. Where Do You Keep Your Change?: circus tin

26. When Was The Last Time You Spoke In Front Of A Large Group Of People?: just yesterday

27. What Kind Of Winter Coat Do You Own?: columbia sport

28. What Was The Weather Like On Your Graduation Day?: which one?

29. Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?: usually closed

blah

orange bars
make me angry
when i see them
and that
makes me sad

oh canada!

ahhhhh!!!! guess what my newest plan is!!! a cross country train trip. oh yeah that's right.

it's not happening until next may because that's when the proposed travel companion will be back and have a free month. that's right, i said month. here's the deal:

30 days to go wherever via rail goes
12 train days
hop on and off as many times as you want

delicious!!

we're gonna take off on may 1 and come back may 30. haha! well, i don't know the exact dates, but that's the rough plan. we have to do it in may so we get the off season rates. june 1 is when they go up.

oh it will be glorious.

i know that next may is a loooong way off, but it's something to plan for. and other people can join in if they're serious about it. and if we deem you to be an acceptable traveling companion. because it's a month. on a train.

who's pumped?

this guy.

not the same, but nice try

a sparkly drumstick is not the same as a sparkly guitar. but it was a nice gesture. and i had a blast. so all is forgiven.

had a blast except for the creeper old men who try to be your best friend. not intersted. and driving around in snow storms is not fun either. but is deeply appreciated.

and tomorrow = work + interview. delicious. hopefully the mess is cleared before i leave for work.

one month

it's almost over. man, i can't wait for some summer vacation. even though i'm going to end up spending my days with brats at school. hahaha it'll be awesome.

actually, the cool thing about this potential camp job is the whole outreach thing. apparently you spend may and june going out to elementary schools putting on workshops for the kids. i love that kind of stuff. this job would actually be pretty awesome. and completely unlike the other day camps i did. because at these ones you're at the university and you get to do way more cool stuff. it'll be good. and kids are cool when they learn. i like it when they get all excited about what you just taught them.

so my other plans for summer include surfing until i'm a superstar. and that is all. everyone is welcome to join me. but i want to surf all the time. because i love it and i have the board and i never do it.

i don't think i have anything else to say. this was mainly just so i could put off paper writing.

p.s. lower deck on friday!! ow ow!! [unless its a horrible horrible snow storm. then we probably won't. which is sad. so hope for no snow]

long time no blog

so it's been five days since last we spoke. i think that's the longest i've ever gone. my excuse is i've been busy and i don't really have anything exciting to say.

but i have a story today. about an awkward elevator moment.

the hot friend of a friend. he doesn't know who i am. if he does, he knows i'm the random girl who thinks he's hot. haha i'm on a list with pretty much every other girl with eyes i think. either way, we've never spoken. ever. we've never been introduced. but i spend a good deal of time getting caught staring at him in the library. and today, we were in the elevator together. awkward! in my head i jumped him.

i'm also having a hard time with some drama between friends. it's not cool and i don't really know how to proceed. i don't want to get involved in any way at all and so i don't want to start being supportive to either of them. trouble is all that will bring. i've played that game before.

oh and another thing, i have a group interview for a summer camp job. ugh. day camps. shoot me. please. i do not want to spend another summer playing with kids. so over it. i found a few lab jobs to apply for but i'm fairly certain they won't work out. but i'm gonna try anyway.

ok. time for class. hopefully i get to go to the deck this week for a little shameless action. maybe friday. we'll see.

every time i wonder why i think back to the kindness in your eyes

i can't take it. i've been sitting here for...almost an hour trying to figure out exactly what it is i want to say.

ever watch movies or tv shows where one person realizes they could be losing or have lost or missed their chance with some great person, and then goes after them in some grand display of their affections for that person? or even a minor display of affections...

ok. i'm going to take this time to warn you that this could be quite an incoherrant post. because i'm not really sure what i'm trying to say and i'm just going to type as it comes into my head.

i don't like being lied to. i've been lied to before. really bad. and maybe this wasn't an outright lie, but at this point, it feels like a lie. or...maybe a complete lack of...everything. consideration, thought... all of it. maybe it was all said to be nice, preserve my feelings, but again - doesn't feel like it now. because now i'm hurting way more than if everything had just been straight from the start. or even if things had been straight at the end. i hate the way it ended. that's what i hate the most. the end. especially if it was just to please me. because now? i feel like shit and a moron. have you ever been able to hear someone laughing on the inside? i can now tell that's what was happening.

i was disappointed every time i didn't get a response. and i justified it. in various ways. because i wanted to believe that it wasn't all fake. and i know it wasn't even anything to begin with, but i still want to believe that maybe it was almost a friendship. because that's how it seemed at the time. and i thought it would just fade away. i was sure of it. because i knew that there would be no more contact. i prepared for the worst. i really did. but now, here i am almost 2 months later, and i'm starting to hurt. really hurt. and i never wanted to hurt. i never wanted it to go that far. i didn't intend for it to. but it did. and i'm hurting.

i honestly thought it would work out. or, maybe not work out, i don't know how it would go, but i thought we'd give it a go. i thought we had that. there were things that made me think that things i said were actually heard and remembered. there was a thoughtfulness. there was a trust. there was a closeness. even if it was small. it was there. which i guess is why it hurts. can you give someone up cold turkey? can you actually just forget people? stop caring?

i don't know what the real reasons were. maybe it was all true. maybe it wasn't. either way, i could have been the greatest person they will never really get to know. but every so often i find myself hoping for a gesture. any gesture. it's not too late. yet. even though, it should be.

sad.

who just watched grey's anatomy? and who cried?

ok. i'm fully aware of the lameness that is crying over a tv show and then blogging about it. but let me talk.

the last 3 episodes have been pretty sad. but i never cried once. and then this week, denny talked about missing izzy so much he couldn't stand it. and then at the end, they touched shoulders. and he was so happy. that's when i lost it. started bawling.

that's pretty much all i have to say.

wow.

i just got shot down by a guy i wan't even hitting on. that's awesome. it was a crazy jr high reunion! jesus! i fucking love guys who think they're hot shit.

i have nothing to say

i feel lame. i want to write, but i have nothing to say.

actually, that's a lie. i have plenty to say, but it's all been said before. i hate that i'm even still thinking about it. i'm clearly the only one.

another thing that's bothering me is a failure to understand. on one hand, there is someone who is assuming all the wrong things but doesn't seem to want to talk about the actual issues. on the other hand, there is the person who maybe i am not understanding, but who is also incapable of conversation.

i think i've been cut out of someones life due to the 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' rule.

i heart shameless

oh man. went out last night. saw new shameless [sans new bass man - he was ecma-ing apparently]. they are still awesome. so fun. i love it.

i do not however, love today.

not.

at.

all.

so tired. so in pain. and round 2 is tonight. but not shameless. lower deck. awesome.

the only thing about last night that was missing was the usual fantastic chats. not the same.

hmm.

no bass man = sad times

this post could have a thousand different titles...

...including song lyrics such as, i used to think i knew what i was waiting for i don't think that anymore; everytime i wonder why i think back to the kindness in your eyes; as it is that's just a lie and i'm here eating up the bordom on an island of cement. and one that i made up on my own - taking public transit is like being in purgatory

i'm not going to get into the song lyric ones. they speak for themselves.

the transit one does also, but i'll get into it a little further.

when i'm on the bus, i feel like i don't even exist at all. no one sees you, no one cares. people step on you and push you. they don't care. no one knows where you're going and you don't know where they're going. it just feels odd to me and i think about it every day. i'm just this anonymous nobody. not really existing anywhere, you know? i dunno. maybe i can't get into it because maybe i don't really understand how it makes me feel. or maybe you know exactly what i mean because you feel the same way. it's empty and it's alone. it almost feels like i'm in a movie. like i'm watching myself move through the city. ahh i have no idea. i'm going to stop trying to explain.

so what's up with guys telling me all their relationship issues? seriously. do i have 'diary' stamped across my face?

i mean, if i'm actually friends with someone, i have no problem listening to their problems. i want to help people if i can. but honestly, does a guy want to start seeing a girl who knows all his history? and not just, oh i dated that girl, kind of history. and not just, yeah i'm seeing someone, kind of current info. why is it that as soon as i am interested in a guy, he feels the need to pour his heart out? it has happened with 3 different guys recently. ugh.

and with 2 of them, i didn't really even know them that well before the talking started! i don't want to hear about how crazy your ex is or how she tries to make you jealous or how many times you've been in love vs the number of girls or how she left at 3am after fooling around! argh! these are not things you tell a girl you want to start seeing. as soon as things like that start being told, i'm out of the running.

i'm going to stop being friendly because i'm tired of being the friend.

who loves puppies?

so this is the new puppy. he's a 12 week old german shepard and his name is bear.

i have a little bear running around my house

we got a puppy.

the same breeder as the one with the dog who needed the behavioural assessment had a litter of puppies back at the end of november. they sold them all but decided to keep one to show and use to breed. i'm not sure what made them change their mind, but in the end, they decided to sell him. so we got him. he is so cute.

i feel like i'm cheating on shay. i don't know why i can't just get over this. it's been more than a month.

anyway, we named the new dog bear. i don't know if i'm ready to love him or not. we'll see how it goes.

why dr. pohajdak is the best ever.

set up: in cell bio class discussing vesicles. dr pohajdak has an electron microscope image up on the screen. it's a round object with small perforations all over it. not unlike a honeycomb.

dr pohajdak [addressing the class]: "looking at this makes me think of back when i was around your age and i used to play golf. and we used those balls...what were they called?"

class: *complete silence*

one random guy: "golf balls?"

class: *hysterical laughter*

bahahahahaha how funny is that? haha turns out the picture of the vesicle reminded him of a wiffle ball. not an actual golf ball. but it was definitely the funniest thing i've heard in weeks.

this is what the vesicles look like. incase anyone is curious:












ahhh i'm a huge nerd. it's ok. i embrace it.

so valentines day is a sham.

i hate valentines day. and not because i'm bitter that i'm single. i have no problem being single. it's better for me right now. i hate valentines day because it makes me feel like i shoud be in a relationship. or at least want to be in a relationship. but i don't want to be forced into feeling that way. whatever. i have a cell biology exam on valentines day anyway. i love cell biology. i am in a relationship with cell biology.

the reason i'm bringing this up now is the valentines day edition of the coast came out today. and every valentines day they post free messages. there are tons of them. some are totally specific with names and stuff, and other ones are specific if you are the intended reader. they are an inside joke or nick names or whatever. and then there are some that are totally vague. there are some that say stuff like this:

I'm fairly sure that I love you.
I haven't told you yet, and I'm not sure when I will, but I do.

that could be to anyone.

there are none to me. maybe that one is to me. huh?

yeah, i don't think so either.

and all the screaming was for nothing.

so that post i wrote about the family fight about the dog that had to have a behavioral assessment done...remember? yeah, that one. well, i have the results. the dog failed. it was put down.

i can't handle it.

mom is happy because now we're not getting a dog and that makes me mad at her. i feel horrible for the dog because it was only a year old.

i love having a dog, but i seriously can't take the whole putting it down thing. and the way you just get a new dog...it's like you're trying to replace the one you lost. it seems like people think pets are disposable or something.

ugh.

on a happier note, i have a 1500 word paper, 2 exams, lab report, class assignment, group project, and another class assignment between now and next friday. and a birthday celebration on saturday night and work all day saturday. plus i need to actually go to class, sleep and eat. wicked.

but then on the first saturday of the break [that's right a whole week off] i am finally going to get to see new shameless!!! i hope. that's the plan thus far. and since i was ditched by my regular shameless buddy for things such as weddings and babies, i needed to find new ones. hopefully it works out.

all around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces

i need to get out of halifax.

this urge to leave comes and goes like waves, there are crests and troughs and depending on the day/week/time of year my desire to leave grows and diminishes, but never really goes away.

i want to love this city. really bad. i am proud to call halifax home and i love being from here. but if i never leave, i will start to hate it and i do not want that to happen. because then i will leave and never come back. or come back only when i have to and hate every second of it.

why do i feel this way? there is nothing here for me. i mean, my family lives here and you can say that's here for me, but that's pretty much it. i've screwed up or something. i don't know what happened. but it's like i'm not here anyway. i am definitely an excellent candidate for "starting over". and i'd go anywhere.

the first time i wanted to leave was to go away for university after high school. and i didn't go. not because i changed my mind. because my parents wouldn't let me. since then i've thought about leaving and wanted to go but was always afraid of what i'd miss here. i was afraid that if i left for a summer or for a year, that i'd end up back here and people would have moved on without me. well here i am, having never left, and everyone has moved on anyway.

i realize that leaving now probably isn't a great idea. i have 2 years left at dal so i might as well just finish them. but after that, i'm outta here. i'll go anywhere. if i go on in school at all, it won't be here. if i get a job, it won't be here. if i were to go somewhere else in canada, it would be out to victoria or vancouver. i'd like to go to europe. ireland or scotland. i'm ready for a change. a big one. new people, new places, new experiences. and maybe i can fix the relationship i have with halifax.

the problem with facebook

so you have these people on your list. who are your "friends". man, i have people on that list that i haven't talked to in years. it's crazy. they are not my friends. maybe they were kind of at one point because we had something in common like lifeguarding. and even then i wouldn't call some of these people friends. i mean, they're nice people. and we hung out in groups. whatever. that's not my point.

this is my point.

what's up with event invitations? i've gotten three in the past week or 2. it's one thing when the person doing the inviting is an actual friend. you know? like someone you hang out with on a daily basis.

it's something else when you get an invitation from someone who you have a confused and strange relationship with. and they tell you that you are welcome to attend if you want. even though you'll know no one else there.

and it's something else still when you get one from someone you only know from class, and they've also invited 150 other people and you'll only know them. not very personal, eh? i mean, i'm not going to show up with all their friends like i'm actually wanted there when their entire facebook friend list gets invited.

it's so strange.

birthday thoughts

so here i am. 25. feels a lot like 24 right now. and 23, 22 and 21 for that matter. i never really feel like i'm getting older, but when i hear myself say my age out loud i think, what? really? no. but yup. 25.

i may not smile
as you turn and walk away
my heart just falls
on every word you say
i will not fight
cause you will not listen

i have goals for this year. the first one is stop putting so much faith in other people. yup. that's right. i trust and assume way too much and all i get is hurt. so now, you get nothing until you prove yourself worthy. some people are even being removed from my trusted list. it needs to be done.

and thought i never
led my troops to war
and though i never
learned what my life was for
and all i ever got was nothing

cause you always said one day
you always said soon i'll do it
you always said now but waited
now you've waited to long
waited to long

turning 25 feels like a new beginning. i don't know why. but it seems like a milestone of sorts. it's a clean slate. time to start doing what i want. what makes me happy. not waiting for other people to make me happy. because that's just not going to happen.

i thought you were right
cause i knew i was wrong
well you can cry if you want
cry if you want
i will hang in myself
myself

so here's to happy twenty-five. may i find what i'm looking for and become the person i want to be.

quarter century birthday celebrations

so last night was the ale house. it was strange because i had like 4 different goups of friends, and they were all spread out all over the bar. so because none of them mingled, it was up to me to make the rounds and not just hang out with one specific group. which was annoying.

and then, all my friends who i hang out with on a daily basis left by midnight. so then there was my design school friend and the people she brought, and my work friends and the people they brought. which was cool, but again, i'm neglecting someone. i started mostly hanging out with my work friends, which was hilarious. they are too funny. of the 2 of them that i knew from work, one is engaged and the other is single. so the single one and i decided it was going to be man hunt '07. but she hooked up pretty quickly. and i did not. hahaha so that was the end of man hunt '07. haha oh well. do i want to pick up a guy at the ale house? not really.

anyway, it was a pretty fun night in the end. i saw a few people that i don't normally see. now i have dinner with my family on monday, which is my real birthday. so that will be good times.

now i need to do homework. that's the worst part of going out. the hangover that makes you want to sleep, but the mountains of work that still need to be done. damn.

p.s. why would someone become a ta just to meet chicks? that's as bad as guys who become frosh leaders just to meet girls. pretty pathetic. but i could be persuaded to play along. if it came up. and it helps when they smell so good. we'll see.

arguments, screaming, puppies and family

i'm not ready for this.

it's only been 3 weeks.

i'm not ready for a family-wide fight about new puppies. seriously, we just lost our dog. mom was pissed, bro#1 was pro-dog, bro#2 was arguing against everyone, and dad is pro-dog. i just stood there listening.

here's the worst thing. my dad works with this guy who breeds shepards. and he had this dog who he sold to a family. apparently there was an incident and the dog got aggressive with a young teen girl, but didn't actually hurt her. the family didn't like it so they gave the dog back to the breeder. they felt really bad but didn't want an aggressive dog. anyway, this dog as been back with the breeder family for 2 weeks now and the guy says that he hasn't seen anything wrong with him. he hasn't been aggressive at all towards anyone in his family or anyone who has come into the house or other animals. but since there was this complaint against the dog, they have to take it for a behavioral assessment. if the dog passes, then the guy needs to find a new home for it [potentially us]. if the dog fails the assessment, it gets put down. what? yeah. my dad said that and i was almost back in tears. it's only a year old!! but the breeder guy says that's how it goes. you can't have dogs being aggressive because it looks bad on you as a breeder.

so i am on the fence about a new dog. personally, i'm not ready. really. it's too soon. but i don't want this dog to get put down! now i want it. i feel so bad for him. dad was like, we won't know anything till next week when we know how this assessment goes. then we'll decide if we want him or not.

i wish my dad hadn't even told us about this till after the dog passed the assessment.

anonymous e-mails are upsetting

it was sent on saturday but i didn't get it until today. i don't check that address very often.

if it was sent by someone random just to be mean, that's one thing. someone who doesn't even know me and is just being a jerk, well i can deal with that.

even though, the circumstances are very strange for it to be someone random.

so, if it was sent by someone who does know me and understands, then fuck you.

fuck you and your cowardice. sign your name next time.

actually, there won't be a next time. because once you see this, you'll know i got the e-mail and you won't bother coming back. ever.

why does this always happen to me? i don't get it. jesus. i'm tired of feeling like shit! this made me feel like shit and that is the very last thing i need right now. the very last. because i'm already feeling pretty fucking shitty. so thanks to you flash.

random or not, it ruined my day.

WOOO!!!!

new camera! new camera!! new camera!!!

NEW CAMERA!!!!!!

100 random questions [sorry, i'm bored]

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING? nope
2. LONGEST FRIENDSHIP? probably faith? i've known people longer, but i'm still friends with her.
3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED? late christmas gift from my aunt. it was a vest.
4. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DROPPED YOUR CELL? i've never dropped my new one. that's how i broke my last one.
5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? haha september?
6. THING YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON? threadless t-shirts.
7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE? tacos
8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? eyes
9. ONE FAVORITE SONG? side of the road by blue rodeo
10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? nova scotia
11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED: chdhs
12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER: telus
13. FAVORITE MALL STORE: ummm... i don't think i have one...
14. LONGEST JOB EVER HAD: my 5 year birthday at my science job is in a month. i was a lifeguard for 6 years but working at different places.
15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?: yeah
16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?: no
17. LAST WEDDING ATTENDED? anna's
18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY?: i have no idea
19. LAST TIME YOU ATTENDED CHURCH: anna's wedding
21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE HEARD?: ha! there have been so many....
23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS? ah as long as my friends are there i'm not picky.
24. CAN YOU COOK? not really.
25. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?: accent that i share with my bros
26. BEST KISSER?: i don't kiss and tell
27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: saturday when i was asked about a sad topic
28. MOST DISLIKED FOOD: sheppards pie
29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF?: sometimes i'm funny
30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF: procrastinate like a champ
32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB? 12 hours
33. FAVOURITE MOVIE? : casablanca or cool hand luke
34. CAN YOU SING?: not even a little bit.
35. LAST CONCERT?: last real concert was....U2. but i see bands in bars all the time.
36. LAST KISS?: i'll never tell
37. LAST MOVIE RENTED?: i don't really rent movies
38. THING YOU NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT?: phone and ipod
39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT? : i've never really been anywhere.
40. DO YOU LIKE CHINESE FOOD? : loves it
42. IS YOUR ROOM CLEAN? : not. at. all.
43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?: laptop
44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?: ron sparks
45. DO YOU SMOKE?: nope
46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES? : with
47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT? : soft ben
48. LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?: i've never been in one.
49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE? 1. and i knew him.
50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?: pancakes
51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?: i lurve it.
52. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?: scrambled
53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?: nope
54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?: michelle
55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?: my mom
56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?: melanie
57. MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING?: mcdonalds
58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?: 1
59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: awesome threadless t-shirt and jeans
60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC OR SONG?: ya know that women never really faint and villans always blink their eyes and that ya know children are the only ones who blush and that life is just to die
61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J SANDWICH? strawberry
62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?: haha not really. but its fun to try.
63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SWIM?: yes. kind of the first step of being a lifeguard.
64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?: peppermint chocolate chip
65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?: i guess they can come in handy
66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF?: i am an awesome balloon animal maker.
68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?: yup
69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? summer
70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID? yesterday. i got a wet willie. thanks.
71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING?: 7:00
72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER? : it ends.
73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?: never
75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?: butch
76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?: pirates are awesome
77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?: celebrating my 25th bday!!
79. WHAT IS THE THIRD LETTER OF YOUR NAME?: e
80. HOW OLD ARE YOUR PETS?: i don't have any pets. sad.
81. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BACKPACK?: blue
82. ARE YOU SICK?: nope
84. IS THE BATHROOM OPEN?: yes?
87. ARE YOU SMILING?: right now, no. but i tend to smile quite often.
88. DO YOU HAVE ON EYELINER?: nope.
89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW? : yes.
90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?: anywhere that isn't here.
91. DO YOU HAVE A MYSPACE? DO YOU HAVE A LIVE JOURNAL? myspace
92. DO YOU WATCH AMERICAN IDOL? : no
93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?: of course
94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NICKNAME FOR YOURSELf?: i don't really have one
95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?: i have a thousand bathing suits. mostly black. but in other colours too.
97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?: nope
98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?: nope
99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?: nope
100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?: yes.

oh ron sparks you crack me up

hahaha i have ron sparks as a "friend" on myspace. he's really good at commenting back which is hilarious. i invited him out for beers on my birthday. but he can't make it. halifax is just too far. hahaha how hilarious would it have been if ron sparks had showed up for beer on my birthday! oh i would have lost it.

and i would have been the coolest girl in school. you know it.

where is my prince charming?

there is a ball at school this weekend.

a ball.

haha i know that just means a formal dance/gathering, but they're calling it a ball and i want to be cinderella.

i know there is a ball because i invited someone to good times at the ale house on saturday night and was told that he would be attending the charity ball on saturday night so he couldn't come party it up with me. which is fine. casual acquaintence. him not being there won't make or break my night. i was just being friendly.

anyway.

the point is, i want to go to a ball. i want to wear the dress and look spectacular and have a great guy with me and dance all night. how fun!

it won't happen this weekend. but i'd even take a great guy at the ale house. or at dinner. i'll still try to look spectacular. but there are no guarantees. heh.

why can't i just write the paper? because birthday planning is more fun.

i have a 750 word paper due tomorrow. and i haven't even started it yet. and i know that 750 words isn't even that much and i could probably write it in 2 hours if i would just do it. that's what's annoying me the most. that i won't just write the frigging paper.

i also have a formal lab report to write for tuesday. bah. it's really long but i don't think it will be that hard to write up. it has graphs and stuff i'll need to do. that's kind of annoying.

i'm such a slacker.

so it was my dad's birthday yesterday. my bros, my mom and i have been frantic trying to come up with stuff to get him. he's impossible to buy for and says he doesn't want anything. but you can't not give him anything. can you? i dunno. anyway, we got him a few things and he didn't like any of it! my mom took everything back today. except for the tim horton's money, which he also knocked by saying, i make my coffee every morning and take it with me. WELL NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO!! geeze. so frustrating.

speaking of birthdays....mine is in a week. 25. wow. it's strange to think about. 25. i don't feel like i should be 25. i'm not where i thought i'd be at 25. but oh well. whatever. i'm not going to dwell on it. i made some plans for saturday night. dinner and then to a bar for some drinks. and no, i'm not going to the lower deck. surprised? yeah i kinda am too. shameless will be there but i'm not interested in sitting at a table and focusing on a band on my birthday. even though i had a blast last year. and i want to see the new shameless really bad. this year i think i'm gonna hit the ale house. i usually have a good time there. and i usually run into people i know. so that could be cool. hopefully everyone shows up. i invited my girls from work. they're hilarious. if they come, it will be a good night.

ok. paper time. for real.

it's guy love

funniest video ever. i love scrubs.