ugh. struggling.

i don't know what to do. i am so stressed over this whole summer job thing. i am pretty much in love with the description for the whale watching assistant job. i would love that job. but i have this hang up about going to digby for the summer. why? all i want is to get the hell out of halifax. why is this so difficult? i do not want to work where i think i'll end up working. so why don't i just go to digby? ugh. so stressed.

the quote at the end of this weeks grey's that i think pretty much says it all:

desire leaves us heart broken
desire can wreck our lives
but as tough as wanting something can be
the people who suffer the most
are those who don't know what they want

the beat of my heart, it tears us apart

yeah that's right. i just quoted hillary duff. but i felt it was fitting in this case.

monday was a shit day for me. i failed an exam and pushed someone the rest of the way out of my life. i was angry and hurt and possibly over-reacted. and then after it happened, i felt horrible. i've never felt so horrible and had so much regret.

but today, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i think that i'm finally going to be able to move on. my head feels clear and that strange ache in my chest, you know the one that makes you feel like crying, is not there. for the first time in a long time. i won't be wondering when the next apperance will be. and that's a great thing.

it's sad that i had to do it. it was such a small non-issue that was driving me crazy, but it was a self preservation thing. someone who doesn't care should not be someone i want to have in my life. so...gone. and it feels good. i'll remember the good times. that's all i can say.

in my still distraught state yesterday, i went looking for jobs that were not in halifax. i was ready to leave at a moments notice yesterday. i was still in pain over the whole pushing incident. i found a listing for a whale watching business up in the digby area. they want someone who can run the gift shop and book tours and all that. it's apparently a pretty biologicaly informative and environmentally friendly operation. the guy who runs it is actually a marine biologist and ecologist and has a masters in environmental science and is into conservation and all that. that's frigging awesome. i thought about applying. i think it would be cool. except...digby for the summer? really? would i hate it? or would it be the perfect little break from halifax? i might email him and ask for some more info.

thinking about leaving yesterday made me feel kinda shitty because i felt like i was running away. from everything. but then i remembered that line in catch-22 when yossarian is being critisized for leaving and he says "there is nothing negative about running away to save my life".

ah the bitter taste of regret.

it's only been 12 hours and i already hate myself for the stupid stupid thing i did. but i can't fix it.

ugh.

way to push someone away, loser....

and more tears. awesome.

it's almost over!!

i can pretty much taste it. sweet freedom. my last exam is tonight at 7 then i'm done! ow ow!!

well, done until may 5 when my summer class starts. haha! but i think that class will be a joke. popular music before 1960? yeah. think i can handle it. i wanted to take guitar theory and history because they actually teach you how to play guitar, but its during the day and runs till the end of june. and [hopefully] i will be working by the end of may. so i can't take it. sad but oh well.

i'm a little nervous about this cell bio exam. i love cell bio and the prof, but there is just soooo much confusing information to remember and understand. i feel like i could study for a thousand years and still not know everything. i need to get an 80 on this exam and i'll get an A in the class. and that would be a glorious thing, wouldn't it? an A in cell biology? yes. i got an A in my technology and environment philosophy class though. first A ever! but that class was kind of a joke. everyone should take it. plus the prof loved me.

ok. back to studying. i will OWN you cell bio!

what the hell. seriously.

dear americans,

i've had enough of your fucking guns. what's up with shooting people? first virginia tech and now nasa? this week has been ridiculous and all it proves is that you need to do something with your gun laws. for real. clearly there needs to be some more intense background and psychological checking done before you should be able to buy a gun.

and another question, dear americans - why the need to carry concealed weapons? i understand that some of you want to seem like big and important people, but obviously you can't handle the responsibility. some of you think its your civil right to be able to carry a gun, but i seriously do not understand the need. you think that in your general every day lives you may be required to shoot something/someone? arguments of self defence are basically bullshit. because if no one was carrying a gun, it wouldn't be an issue. do you have a fear of someone coming at you with a gun for no reason that will require you to act in self defence? the way i see it is, if you're involved with the sorts of people who feel they actually need a gun to get through their everyday life, you're probably in some kind of trouble and possibly hanging out with a troubled group of people.

all you pro-gun nuts out there who are suggesting things like, "if the virginia tech students had been carrying guns, this could have been prevented", sould be set adrift on some sort of make-shift raft and left to fend for yourselves [i'm talking to you ted nugent - read here]. because that is definitely the most absurd thing i have ever heard. more guns is not the solution to this problem. less guns is the solution. yeah, the bad guys will probably always have guns. but this virginia tech guy got his guns legally. that's the problem. i'm not saying hunting rifles should go. it's the random people carrying assult weapons that is the problem. if it were legal for everyone to carry a gun everywhere, crazier people than this guy will be walking around everyday armed. yeah, great idea....

you will never convince me that carrying a gun is a good idea. ever. that some people seem so willing to shoot someone else is quite disturbing. when tempers get heated and people are carrying guns, things can escalate quickly. thats when problems start to happen. or, if everyone has a gun, people will start just shooting people and crying self defence. or they thought they were being a hero.

so in conclusion friends, i just want to say, put down the gun and start living like canadians. everyone will like you a whole lot more.

much love from the north,

me.
------------------------------------------------------------

ok. that's all i'm going to say on it. i've definitely reached my breaking point on this whole thing. i'm tired of crying and being angry.

one word that i know i could definitely go the rest of my life without ever hearing again is 'massacre'. pretty unlikely, i know, but i can hope, can't i?

which care bear am i? [aka a break from the sadness]

Share Bear You are Share Bear! You are friendly and know how much fun it is to give some of your good things to others. You are very generous, sharing, and friendly. You are a fantastic friend, but sometimes easily distracted. You aslo represent caring.
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

overwhelmed and guilty

so i've been watching cnn all evening and i was checking the cnn website every 15 minutes or so all day because i can't tear myself away from the tragedy at virginia tech. stuff like this really affects me. i'm drawn to disasters like this not because i'm a sucker for human suffering. i just feel like if i can share in their pain, maybe it will help them to know that even strangers are mourning with them. does that even make sense? and i think that this is extra hard because i am a university student. this could have just as easily happened here.

but after all the coverage i've been watching/reading on this, it's really starting to get to me. i'm feeling overwhelmed and i need a break. but that makes me feel guilty. because the VT students don't get a break. they will never get a break. they'll go home for the summer, come back in the fall and it will still be there. 20 years from now, it will still be there for them. so the least i can do is try to share in their story.

or is that strange and voyeuristic to sit here watching hours of cnn? is that just encouraging the "if it bleeds, it leads" style of brodcasting that i hate? is cnn covering this because they really do want to tell the students' stories? or are they just doing it because they know if they don't, no one will be watching cnn?

i've always had little to no love for the news media. after my experiences with the media in high school, i felt that it was a totally corrupt system led by ratings hungry news stations just looking to make money at anyone's expence. they put their spin on a story to make it more interesting without bothering to find out the actual facts, or just tell the necessary ones.

lately, however, i've started to come around a little bit. it's definitely still all about ratings [obviously, its a business] but there are reporters who care. my fondness for anderson cooper over the last year or so has caused me to watch a lot more news with a more open mind. anderson seems to actually care. maybe he's playing the biggest game of all, but he plays it well and has most people fooled. he cries and yells and gets worked up on camera so that's good enough for me. i actually think he cares. through my AC360 watching, i've gotten to "know" other cnn personalities and i think i've gotten pretty good at seperating the bullshitters from the sincere.

the unfortunate thing is i still have no love for my local news teams. they all seem fake to me. i read the paper for local news. which has its own problems. we'll save that for another post at another time.

today we are all hokies

so i know it was yesterday but it's today that i'm seeing all the news. and it's a sad day. even though i'm no where near virginia tech, i can't help but feel affected by this. it could have happened anywhere really. it's heartbreaking and terrifying and i hope that nothing like it ever happens again. my school has lowered flags to half mast out of respect. i wish there was something i could do.

the one thing that is bothering me is the media. i know that i've been glued to cnn since it happened and i want to know what's going on, but i feel for the students who are just trying to get through this but have cameras and microphones shoved in their faces. that has to be hard.

i don't really know what else to say. my thoughts are with them all.

sunday sunday

blah.

that's the word of the day. sunday's are so boring. there is nothing on tv, there is nothing good on the internet. i should be studying but i can't get myself interested. i have no one to call because everyone is busy with whatever is going on in their life at the moment: working, parents in town, fiances, actually studying...

i want to play my guitar but i have a broken string [again] and have no replacements. i need to start buying more than one set of strings at a time. you'd think i'd learn my lesson. but i didn't actually break the string this time. it was my brother. so i guess technically he owes me a set of strings.

i think that this would have been the perfect summer to find a job not in halifax. this is the first time in my life that i actually have absolutely no reason to be in halifax for a summer. other summers had lame ass reasons for wanting to be here like fun times at lower deck patio parties with friends and following shameless around, but that's not gonna happen this summer [married partners in crime have less time for such activities]. and other summers had real reasons like, someone i was seeing and actual good jobs that meant something. but this summer? i got nothing. no someone, no good job, no shameless following.

ugh. get me out of here.

the best thing about today? vanity fair's green issue. i don't care what you're doing right now, get up and go get this magazine. right now. and read it. the whole thing. cover to cover. you can check out the table of contents to find out what's covered right here.

this is what i want to do with my life. i want to save the world.

goodbye saturday

i couldn't be happier that today is ending. i have never been more tired of the bullshit.

mmmmm

oh jeffery dean morgan. you so fine. i wish you were still on grey's. but i heard you learned how to play guitar for an upcoming role. delicious. i am looking forward to seeing this.

please don't die and make me cry again.

thank you.

me *heart*

such .....lack of greatness

so i didn't get the awesome lab job i was hoping i'd get this summer. i was thinking that i had a great chance. i know i kicked the interviews ass. but i guess because i'm not actually a micro student, that's the problem. so now what does that mean? i'm stuck staying where i'm at now. ugh. how much do i not want to spend my summer there? words can't even begin to describe it. and i don't even know that that job is a sure thing. there is still a good chance that i could be unemployed this summer. well, no i won't be unemployed. i'll be working at like wal-mart or some shitty ass place like that. ugh. i've never been in such a shit state for a summer job before. pretty depressing. even if i get a job with my current employer i have the entire month of may with nothing to do. i should take a class or something. blah. i hate feeling shitty.

such greatness!

today i am in love with facebook for reconnecting me with one of the greatest people i have ever known.

i am also in love with rock climbing. i may not love it tomorrow if i'm not able to walk, but right now, i'm a happy girl. actually, i'll probably be able to walk. i think it's my arms and shoulders that are going to be killing me tomorrow. we shall see!

but now and again i find, you cross my mind

so i just saw new-to-me pictures of people i haven't seen in a long time. kinda made me a little sad.

no, sad isn't the right word. disappointed is the right word. but i guess i'm kinda sad that i felt disappointed. haha does that even make sense?

ahh i don't want to think about it anymore. i'm not gonna see them again so there's no point in letting myself fall back into it.

what famous movie kiss am i?

"I have always been standing in your doorway. Isn't it about time somebody saved your life?"

turns out my famous move kiss is from spiderman. i'm not sad about that. haha this kiss is hot.

what famous movie kiss are you?

happy easter!

so is everyone enjoying their ham dinners today? or turkey? we're eating ham. but it should have been so much more. we were supposed to go to my grandmothers with all my mom's family for a huge easter pot luck but the snow made us not want to drive on the highway this morning.

but know what the snow didn't stop? my shameless night at the copper penny.

oh yeah. we're dedicated. it was pretty messy when we went, but the way home wasn't so bad at all. and we didn't have to fight for a cab. we had one set up. the cab driver we had on the way to the penny was awesome. haha he gave us his cell phone number so we could call him to pick us up after. so that was fantastic.

it's been soo long since i've gone to a great dancing night with shameless. we had so much fun. it's strange not knowing the new guys though but they kick a lot of ass. but it was weird to hear the wrong voice sing video killed the radio star. and to add to it, he screwed up the words. it was only a quick moment of nostalgia though.

another strange weird thing [but awesome weird] was seeing a girl i haven't seen since grade 6. hoooly. it was crazy. we were good buds too back in the day. we tried to have a little chat but it was loud and we were drunk so we exchanged numbers and we're gonna get together and have a chat about old times and i'm gonna fill her in on where people are now.

so tomorrow the insane studying begins. my first exam is on the 20th and i pretty much need to teach myself the entire course because i didn't go to any lectures since the midterm. but i was looking over the notes and there is a half a lecture on what is a carbon sink. so i think i'll be ok. i also need to kick cell biology's ass. if i can pull off an 80 on the exam, i'll get an A- in the class. and i got an 80 on the midterm with minimal studying, so i'd say it's totally doable.

and now i think i need to nap. there's no such thing as too much shameless but there is such a thing as too little sleep.