long time no blog

so it's been five days since last we spoke. i think that's the longest i've ever gone. my excuse is i've been busy and i don't really have anything exciting to say.

but i have a story today. about an awkward elevator moment.

the hot friend of a friend. he doesn't know who i am. if he does, he knows i'm the random girl who thinks he's hot. haha i'm on a list with pretty much every other girl with eyes i think. either way, we've never spoken. ever. we've never been introduced. but i spend a good deal of time getting caught staring at him in the library. and today, we were in the elevator together. awkward! in my head i jumped him.

i'm also having a hard time with some drama between friends. it's not cool and i don't really know how to proceed. i don't want to get involved in any way at all and so i don't want to start being supportive to either of them. trouble is all that will bring. i've played that game before.

oh and another thing, i have a group interview for a summer camp job. ugh. day camps. shoot me. please. i do not want to spend another summer playing with kids. so over it. i found a few lab jobs to apply for but i'm fairly certain they won't work out. but i'm gonna try anyway.

ok. time for class. hopefully i get to go to the deck this week for a little shameless action. maybe friday. we'll see.

every time i wonder why i think back to the kindness in your eyes

i can't take it. i've been sitting here for...almost an hour trying to figure out exactly what it is i want to say.

ever watch movies or tv shows where one person realizes they could be losing or have lost or missed their chance with some great person, and then goes after them in some grand display of their affections for that person? or even a minor display of affections...

ok. i'm going to take this time to warn you that this could be quite an incoherrant post. because i'm not really sure what i'm trying to say and i'm just going to type as it comes into my head.

i don't like being lied to. i've been lied to before. really bad. and maybe this wasn't an outright lie, but at this point, it feels like a lie. or...maybe a complete lack of...everything. consideration, thought... all of it. maybe it was all said to be nice, preserve my feelings, but again - doesn't feel like it now. because now i'm hurting way more than if everything had just been straight from the start. or even if things had been straight at the end. i hate the way it ended. that's what i hate the most. the end. especially if it was just to please me. because now? i feel like shit and a moron. have you ever been able to hear someone laughing on the inside? i can now tell that's what was happening.

i was disappointed every time i didn't get a response. and i justified it. in various ways. because i wanted to believe that it wasn't all fake. and i know it wasn't even anything to begin with, but i still want to believe that maybe it was almost a friendship. because that's how it seemed at the time. and i thought it would just fade away. i was sure of it. because i knew that there would be no more contact. i prepared for the worst. i really did. but now, here i am almost 2 months later, and i'm starting to hurt. really hurt. and i never wanted to hurt. i never wanted it to go that far. i didn't intend for it to. but it did. and i'm hurting.

i honestly thought it would work out. or, maybe not work out, i don't know how it would go, but i thought we'd give it a go. i thought we had that. there were things that made me think that things i said were actually heard and remembered. there was a thoughtfulness. there was a trust. there was a closeness. even if it was small. it was there. which i guess is why it hurts. can you give someone up cold turkey? can you actually just forget people? stop caring?

i don't know what the real reasons were. maybe it was all true. maybe it wasn't. either way, i could have been the greatest person they will never really get to know. but every so often i find myself hoping for a gesture. any gesture. it's not too late. yet. even though, it should be.

sad.

who just watched grey's anatomy? and who cried?

ok. i'm fully aware of the lameness that is crying over a tv show and then blogging about it. but let me talk.

the last 3 episodes have been pretty sad. but i never cried once. and then this week, denny talked about missing izzy so much he couldn't stand it. and then at the end, they touched shoulders. and he was so happy. that's when i lost it. started bawling.

that's pretty much all i have to say.

wow.

i just got shot down by a guy i wan't even hitting on. that's awesome. it was a crazy jr high reunion! jesus! i fucking love guys who think they're hot shit.

i have nothing to say

i feel lame. i want to write, but i have nothing to say.

actually, that's a lie. i have plenty to say, but it's all been said before. i hate that i'm even still thinking about it. i'm clearly the only one.

another thing that's bothering me is a failure to understand. on one hand, there is someone who is assuming all the wrong things but doesn't seem to want to talk about the actual issues. on the other hand, there is the person who maybe i am not understanding, but who is also incapable of conversation.

i think i've been cut out of someones life due to the 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' rule.

i heart shameless

oh man. went out last night. saw new shameless [sans new bass man - he was ecma-ing apparently]. they are still awesome. so fun. i love it.

i do not however, love today.

not.

at.

all.

so tired. so in pain. and round 2 is tonight. but not shameless. lower deck. awesome.

the only thing about last night that was missing was the usual fantastic chats. not the same.

hmm.

no bass man = sad times

this post could have a thousand different titles...

...including song lyrics such as, i used to think i knew what i was waiting for i don't think that anymore; everytime i wonder why i think back to the kindness in your eyes; as it is that's just a lie and i'm here eating up the bordom on an island of cement. and one that i made up on my own - taking public transit is like being in purgatory

i'm not going to get into the song lyric ones. they speak for themselves.

the transit one does also, but i'll get into it a little further.

when i'm on the bus, i feel like i don't even exist at all. no one sees you, no one cares. people step on you and push you. they don't care. no one knows where you're going and you don't know where they're going. it just feels odd to me and i think about it every day. i'm just this anonymous nobody. not really existing anywhere, you know? i dunno. maybe i can't get into it because maybe i don't really understand how it makes me feel. or maybe you know exactly what i mean because you feel the same way. it's empty and it's alone. it almost feels like i'm in a movie. like i'm watching myself move through the city. ahh i have no idea. i'm going to stop trying to explain.

so what's up with guys telling me all their relationship issues? seriously. do i have 'diary' stamped across my face?

i mean, if i'm actually friends with someone, i have no problem listening to their problems. i want to help people if i can. but honestly, does a guy want to start seeing a girl who knows all his history? and not just, oh i dated that girl, kind of history. and not just, yeah i'm seeing someone, kind of current info. why is it that as soon as i am interested in a guy, he feels the need to pour his heart out? it has happened with 3 different guys recently. ugh.

and with 2 of them, i didn't really even know them that well before the talking started! i don't want to hear about how crazy your ex is or how she tries to make you jealous or how many times you've been in love vs the number of girls or how she left at 3am after fooling around! argh! these are not things you tell a girl you want to start seeing. as soon as things like that start being told, i'm out of the running.

i'm going to stop being friendly because i'm tired of being the friend.

who loves puppies?

so this is the new puppy. he's a 12 week old german shepard and his name is bear.

i have a little bear running around my house

we got a puppy.

the same breeder as the one with the dog who needed the behavioural assessment had a litter of puppies back at the end of november. they sold them all but decided to keep one to show and use to breed. i'm not sure what made them change their mind, but in the end, they decided to sell him. so we got him. he is so cute.

i feel like i'm cheating on shay. i don't know why i can't just get over this. it's been more than a month.

anyway, we named the new dog bear. i don't know if i'm ready to love him or not. we'll see how it goes.

why dr. pohajdak is the best ever.

set up: in cell bio class discussing vesicles. dr pohajdak has an electron microscope image up on the screen. it's a round object with small perforations all over it. not unlike a honeycomb.

dr pohajdak [addressing the class]: "looking at this makes me think of back when i was around your age and i used to play golf. and we used those balls...what were they called?"

class: *complete silence*

one random guy: "golf balls?"

class: *hysterical laughter*

bahahahahaha how funny is that? haha turns out the picture of the vesicle reminded him of a wiffle ball. not an actual golf ball. but it was definitely the funniest thing i've heard in weeks.

this is what the vesicles look like. incase anyone is curious:












ahhh i'm a huge nerd. it's ok. i embrace it.

so valentines day is a sham.

i hate valentines day. and not because i'm bitter that i'm single. i have no problem being single. it's better for me right now. i hate valentines day because it makes me feel like i shoud be in a relationship. or at least want to be in a relationship. but i don't want to be forced into feeling that way. whatever. i have a cell biology exam on valentines day anyway. i love cell biology. i am in a relationship with cell biology.

the reason i'm bringing this up now is the valentines day edition of the coast came out today. and every valentines day they post free messages. there are tons of them. some are totally specific with names and stuff, and other ones are specific if you are the intended reader. they are an inside joke or nick names or whatever. and then there are some that are totally vague. there are some that say stuff like this:

I'm fairly sure that I love you.
I haven't told you yet, and I'm not sure when I will, but I do.

that could be to anyone.

there are none to me. maybe that one is to me. huh?

yeah, i don't think so either.

and all the screaming was for nothing.

so that post i wrote about the family fight about the dog that had to have a behavioral assessment done...remember? yeah, that one. well, i have the results. the dog failed. it was put down.

i can't handle it.

mom is happy because now we're not getting a dog and that makes me mad at her. i feel horrible for the dog because it was only a year old.

i love having a dog, but i seriously can't take the whole putting it down thing. and the way you just get a new dog...it's like you're trying to replace the one you lost. it seems like people think pets are disposable or something.

ugh.

on a happier note, i have a 1500 word paper, 2 exams, lab report, class assignment, group project, and another class assignment between now and next friday. and a birthday celebration on saturday night and work all day saturday. plus i need to actually go to class, sleep and eat. wicked.

but then on the first saturday of the break [that's right a whole week off] i am finally going to get to see new shameless!!! i hope. that's the plan thus far. and since i was ditched by my regular shameless buddy for things such as weddings and babies, i needed to find new ones. hopefully it works out.

all around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces

i need to get out of halifax.

this urge to leave comes and goes like waves, there are crests and troughs and depending on the day/week/time of year my desire to leave grows and diminishes, but never really goes away.

i want to love this city. really bad. i am proud to call halifax home and i love being from here. but if i never leave, i will start to hate it and i do not want that to happen. because then i will leave and never come back. or come back only when i have to and hate every second of it.

why do i feel this way? there is nothing here for me. i mean, my family lives here and you can say that's here for me, but that's pretty much it. i've screwed up or something. i don't know what happened. but it's like i'm not here anyway. i am definitely an excellent candidate for "starting over". and i'd go anywhere.

the first time i wanted to leave was to go away for university after high school. and i didn't go. not because i changed my mind. because my parents wouldn't let me. since then i've thought about leaving and wanted to go but was always afraid of what i'd miss here. i was afraid that if i left for a summer or for a year, that i'd end up back here and people would have moved on without me. well here i am, having never left, and everyone has moved on anyway.

i realize that leaving now probably isn't a great idea. i have 2 years left at dal so i might as well just finish them. but after that, i'm outta here. i'll go anywhere. if i go on in school at all, it won't be here. if i get a job, it won't be here. if i were to go somewhere else in canada, it would be out to victoria or vancouver. i'd like to go to europe. ireland or scotland. i'm ready for a change. a big one. new people, new places, new experiences. and maybe i can fix the relationship i have with halifax.

the problem with facebook

so you have these people on your list. who are your "friends". man, i have people on that list that i haven't talked to in years. it's crazy. they are not my friends. maybe they were kind of at one point because we had something in common like lifeguarding. and even then i wouldn't call some of these people friends. i mean, they're nice people. and we hung out in groups. whatever. that's not my point.

this is my point.

what's up with event invitations? i've gotten three in the past week or 2. it's one thing when the person doing the inviting is an actual friend. you know? like someone you hang out with on a daily basis.

it's something else when you get an invitation from someone who you have a confused and strange relationship with. and they tell you that you are welcome to attend if you want. even though you'll know no one else there.

and it's something else still when you get one from someone you only know from class, and they've also invited 150 other people and you'll only know them. not very personal, eh? i mean, i'm not going to show up with all their friends like i'm actually wanted there when their entire facebook friend list gets invited.

it's so strange.