should i have something profound to say?

people get to deep around new years. they look back at everything that has happened and look forward to all that could happen...

there have been good times, but nothing that is standing out as note-worthy for a year end trip down memory lane. and nothing overly bad has happened either. i think that the one thing i really realized this year is that i have regrets. and i'm only just 25 [almost]. i've realized that by 25, some people have accomplished so much more than i have. even just little things. like they don't live at home anymore. i hate that i'm a struggling student. i hate that i'm trying to be responsible and stay living at home so i can cut down on student loans. i know that's the smart thing to do, but i'm missing out on my 20's.

i feel like i've lost touch with people i love. friends from design school are a big loss this year. what happened there? we were so tight. people i just met are also disappearing from my life this year without really having a chance to leave their mark.

and why am i still playing the same games with some people? it's been too long. can we just stop.

i'm really ready to grow the hell up.

that's how i feel about 2006.

happy new year.

i'm home!!

i love my dog. i'm never leaving her again. the end.

embarrassing!

so the people i was dog-sitting for weren't supposed to get home until 8:00 tonight. i was going to have 3 hours after work to pack up my shit and clean their house.

nope.

they're home now.

and my clothes are all over the room i was sleeping in. my stuff is all over their bathroom. my guitar tab sheets are all over their coffee table. my slippers are in the middle of their livingroom. the dogs toys are all over the house. the garbage should be emptied.

and the worst part is, this guy is my boss. i bet he saw my underoos.

at least i did the dishes.

p.s. exactly one month till my birthday!

i just want to write everything

i have so much that i just want to get out.

stuff has been happening the past few days/weeks that makes me want to spill my guts on everything. i know that i could sit here right now and write my entire life story without even hesitating.

but instead i'm going to say nothing.

except, i'm tired.

i think that sums up everything.

i'm just tired. i'm ready for my life to begin. i'm tired of feeling like a kid. i'm tired of waiting around for something great to happen. i'm tired of waiting for other people. i'm tired of not being completely sure of myself. i'm tired of feeling inferior. i'm tired of feeling unattractive.

there are going to be changes in the new year. if you want to be a part of it, you better let me know. because it's all getting left behind if not.

it's almost over!

tomorrow night i get to sleep in my own bed. i can't wait. and i'm excited to get away from that annoying dog. haha my tune has change quite a bit since the beginning. the dog is just so weird. she makes me miss my dog so much.

and i got a phone call yesterday from someone i haven't talked to in probably close to two years. he's home for christmas. he said we should hang out but i have other people who i want to see who have kept in touch who are higher up on the priority list than he is. i don't know if i'll get to see him or not. i wrote before about letting people walk out of your life and how i wish it didn't happen. well, this guy was my best friend. but then he reorganized his priorities [some things are more important than your friends] and we stopped hanging out. and then stopped talking. for a while it really hurt me. i was so upset that we had grown apart [it was like he was changing back into some junior high form of himself]. but now i'm pretty indifferent. if i don't see him while he's home, it won't be the end of the world. i guess i'm sorry that's how it turned out. we were tight. oh well. shit happens.

i had an awesome night last night with pei friends who are home. we were lied to by the 4th person for why she couldn't come hang out. lame. why tell one person you have a migrane and tell the other person you're busy? you don't think we're gonna discuss the fact that you're not there? whatever. just another person lost to a relationship. it happens all the time, right?

and, do i want to baby-sit on new years eve? what else am i gonna do? might as well... haha now i kinda wish i had plans. maybe i can make some before i have to let her know tomorrow about the kid.

painful

and gone. i hate this.

i hate that this is bothering me.

i hate that i'm being such a girl.

i hate that he's not here.

i hate that he won't be here.

i hate it.

i didn't want to cross that bridge

drunk and almost famous till 4am.

now what?

i'm not sure. this is not the list i want that name on.

merry christmas!

so it's pretty much over for another year. it's amazing how much build up there is for just one day. the pressure of finding the perfect presents for everyone, all the food that needs to be cooked, decorations, parties, traveling... and then in in a span of 36 hours, its over.

and this christmas, i haven't really been home. i am doing that dog-sitting thing, which is fantastic because i am getting a little break from my family, but at the same time, i miss my house at christmas. there are no decorations here or yummy cookies being baked or my brothers or my dog. just the weird dog and scary paintings on the wall. so it's starting to get a little lonely. 4 more days.

last night i stayed at home though. and i slept like a baby. i miss my bed. and my brothers and i played board games. i can't remember the last time i played a board game, let alone with my brothers. we played trivial persuit 90's, clue, sorry and half a game of monopoly. that game is way too long. i can't stand it but it's my youngest brother's favourite so we had to. and i forced trivial persuit and clue on everyone.

my parents loved the gift my bros and i got them. a duvet. they didn't have one. so everyone was right. i wasn't sure how it would go over but i was assured by all that it would be fantastic. and i got my boots! yea!! and a really nice gift from one of my friends. who wasn't supposed to buy me a gift because i wasn't buying gifts for any friends. i told her not to and she did anyway. but i love it. thank you again.

boxing day we usually head to new glasgow to visit my family - grandmothers and various aunts, uncles and cousins. but it's looking right now like tomorrow is gonna be somewhat messy weatherwise so i don't know if we'll go or not. have to wait and see. i'd like to go, but honestly, a nice sleep in would be beautiful. i haven't slept in in over a week. i'm tired from working all last week and then going out on thursday and saturday nights and always having to get up early for one reason or another. although...i can honestly say that thursday and saturday nights were worth it. thursday for shameless, and saturday for other reasons. there were some awesome people out on saturday night.

holy blast from the past batman

i just saw my high school english teacher. i graduated from high school in 2000. and he came up to me and said hi and knew my name. colour me impressed. because the last time i saw him, maybe a year and a half after high school, he had no idea who i was. i didn't expect him to know me this time. but he did. happy. i like being remembered. this is the feel good story of the day.

dear teen burger

you may be the most delicious thing i have ever eaten in my whole life. thank you.

i'm a crier

i didn't cry because i assumed there would be more. but now that i'm re-reading it, my chest is getting tight. i might cry next time. lame, i know.

best night ever

well, maybe not ever but it was pretty awesome. i love the lower deck. lurve even. i don't know if love is strong enough to describe it. and shameless? i lurve them too. i don't know what i'm going to do in the new year. seriously. just won't be the same. hopefully i get out one more time before it changes.

a night with shameless is definitely a guaranteed wicked time for me. i want to go again right now. actually, what i want to do right now is sleep. i have to work tomrrow. boo on that. but i'd go again tomorrow night.

p.s. if you [yes you] read this, sorry i was a moron. i know you want to leave but the thing is, i never see you and talking to you makes me happy. like it or not.

what superhero am i?

you are superman
you are mild-mannered, good,
strong and you love to help others.



click here to take the superhero personality test

happy-sad

it's tonight!

my return to the lower deck! and my band will be there!!

but about my cover band. big changes are coming. i'm not happy. and i may not get to see them again, as they are now. and i'm a little sad about it.

ok, a lot sad.

it just won't be the same.

sometimes i wish i lived in a movie

now here you go again
you say you want your freedom
well who am i to keep you down
it's only right that you should
play the way you feel it
but listen carefully to the sound
of your loneliness
like a heartbeat, drives you mad
in the stillness of remembering
what you had, and what you lost
and what you had, and what you lost

-fleetwood mac

bonus!

ok, so the best part about walking a dog at the park is the cute guy who is also walking a dog at the park.

ah dog-sitting

i am in love with this dog. and this house. and the quiet.

when i'm at home, i live about a 10 minute walk from 2 different supermarkets, 2 different drug stores, the bank, and tons of other stuff. but do i ever walk anywhere? no. i despise walking around my neighbourhood. but when i lived in the city, i walked everywhere. it didn't matter how far away it was, i walked. and just now, i walked to the grocery store and it took me about 20 minutes. i loved the walk! but if i were at home, i would have either drove a car, or not gone. lazy!

and now, i'm going to take the dog for a walk. beautiful.

also, i love visitors! give me a call and come visit.

what is happening?

so its 2:30, my brother still isn't home, my dad is awake, and i'm in trouble.

what?

yeah. apparently it was up to me to stop my 17 year old brother from going out after the dance. um, no. not really my responsibility to stop him. i told him he shouldn't go. he told me not to wait up. i'm not locking him in his room.

i called him at 2:00 and he said i shouldn't be waiting up and he would be leaving soon. and then like 2 minutes later my dad got up, saw my bro wasn't here, and came to ask me. i told dad that bro was leaving soon to come home so dad waited. half an hour later, no bro. dad is pissed. he calls bros cell. he hasn't left yet.

the best part of this whole thing is that i'm getting a responsibility lecture and i didn't even get to have any fun and i'm almost 25 getting this lecture. so there is no plus to this.

and now my mom is up. and my dad is telling her how i let my bro leave. and now i hear her coming towards my room. fantastic.

all i want to do is sleep.

so maybe i'm a goodie goodie

i never got in trouble in high school. ever. my parents trusted me completely. i never had a curfew. i didn't lie to them or sneak out of the house or stay out all night without them knowing.

i have the worlds heaviest guilty conscience.

my youngest brother is in grade 12. tonight was his christmas semi-formal dance. my parents like to wait up for him to get home. he's 17 and they know it won't be really late and they just want to make sure he gets home. which is fine. it's their thing.

ok so what does this have to do with me?

i was asked to wait up for him. my parents were tired and they have to get up so early for work. ok, that's fine. the dance ends at 11:00. no problem, i'll wait up.

but when he gets home at 11:15, he tells me he's just come home to change and he's heading right back out again.

hmmm. how do i approach this?

on one hand, i don't care what he does. go out. have fun. whatever.

on the other hand, i was told to wait and make sure he gets home ok.

so. do i tell him he can't go? no, i'm not his mother. but do i still have to wait up for him? i was told to wait up. i have to wait up. do i want to wait up? heck no. i'm tired. it's almost 12:30. i need to sleep. i can't sleep in tomorrow.

i can't go to bed. if he didn't come home, and my parents got up and realized, it would be the end of the world. but he's gone. and he's just with his moron friends. they say he'll have a drive home. but who knows really.

the funny thing is, i told him to go wake up mom and dad and ask them if he could go. he said no. and he just left. i would never have done that. never. and if it had been me, it would have been my mom waiting up and i wouldn't have even asked her to go out at 11:30 after a dance on a monday night. and my brother didn't even care. he just left. he said, "mom and dad won't even know i came home and left again".

so here i am suffering because i'm still being overly responsible.

the holiday

i just got back from seeing this movie. the holiday. and i have one thing to say.












jude law is beautiful.

doing nothing

i love having nothing to do all day. it's fantastic. because i know it's going to end. it ends wednesday. then starting thursday i work every day until school starts again except xmas eve, xmas day, boxing day, new years eve and new years day.

awesome.

could you hear the sarcasm? yeah. i kinda wish i hadn't taken on all the extra days of work. i did it mostly to just get out of my house, but now that i have this dog-sitting thing all lined up, i'll be out of my house anyway. oh well. the money will be good. i need to buy text books for the winter term.

so i went today to meet the dog i will be hanging out with. she is awesome. i am so excited. she goes for walks and is so unbelievably super friendly. she's great. and the best thing about this dog-sitting arrangement is that they live a 10 minute bus ride from work. where as my house is a 50 minute bus ride. beautiful.

tomorrow i need to clean my room because it's a disaster and i don't want to come back after 10 days to a mess.

and hopefully on wednesday or thursday i'll get to hit the lower deck. and good friends from toronto come home saturday! party on wayne!

christmas is coming!

so we put up our tree last night. my dad and I went out and bought one. a real one. i think we did a pretty good job of picking one out.

anyway, i don't know how it happened, but i always end up putting all the lights on by myself. that's pretty much the worst part of tree decorating and i get stuck with it every year. so my dad put the tree in the stand and my mom pulled the lights out of the box, and then they sat down to watch me struggle with 10 strings of lights. thanks guys. after some complaining, my dad ended up helping me. so that was good. but then they stopped. there are no decorations on the tree. just lights. they said they'd put the orniments on today while i was at work. yeah...we'll see.

also, my bros and i got our gift for our parents. i hope they like it. i would like it. if they don't, they can just give it to me. nooo problem.

on a non-christmas note, my exams finished on monday. and i haven't had any beer yet to celebrate. i could have gone to the lower deck last night with some people just for the matinee [mmmmm....paul lamb....] but it was my bros 20th birthday yesteray so we did the whole family dinner/cake/presents thing last night so i didn't go. there are tentitive plans to go to the deck on wednesday or thursday this week, but we'll see how that goes. i just need to go to the lower deck. i love it so much.

know what else i love? buck 65. and he's playing on boxing day night at the marquee. oh man do i want to go. i don't really care at all about anyone else who will be performing, but i want to see buck really bad. i dunno who i'll be able to rope into that. but it would be sweet. its only $7 at the door. come on. you know you wanna.

and today? i had a major bast from the past. a guy i went to school with all through elementary, jr high and high school was here today. i couldn't believe it. i haven't seen him since high school. he goes to dal! i go to dal. i have never seen him there. maybe i will in january now that i know he's there. haha and it was funny because i saw his brother first and i don't even know his brother and his brother definitey doesn't know me and when i saw him i was like, "HEY!!" but it was more just shock that i was seeing this guy than it was a greeting. and he was like, hey! haha i'm such a moron. he has no idea who i am. i love embarrassing myself.

poor muffin

so we're still trying to figure out what is wrong with my dog. they did urine tests and they both came back weird. so then they were worried about her kidneys so they did blood work. but the blood work came back normal for her kidneys, liver and pancreas. so what's wrong with her? no idea.

we leave water sitting in a bowl for her just all the time. i mean, we change it if it gets fur or dirt in it, and if its been there all day, we put new water in. but the vet wants us to only let her drink for sure clean, new water. so we have to put water in a clean bowl, let her drink it and then take it away and not let it sit. and we need to keep track of how much water she drinks in a day.
man, i hope she's ok. my dog dying is definitely not something i want to happen right now.

yea for tshirts!!

my tshirt came today!! my first ever threadless tshirt!! i am in love with it.

i ordered 2 more last week:
























i am in love with the bear and the honey one. sooo cute.

too bad they won't be here in time for xmas though. stupid slow-ass mail...

i'm free!!!

it's over!

OVER!!

man, that genetics exam was long and hard. but i think i did ok. hopefully.

i can't believe the fall term is over already. it went by so fast. i don't think that i'm going to as well as i really hoped to do, but i am definitely doing better than any other school term i've done. there is the possibility of an a- in my ethics class. me! an a! its exciting. for me.

i need to pick another class for the winter. there is a bio class i want but the only lab time doesn't fit in my schedule. pissed. it would fit if i dropped my music class, but that class is like a shining beacon in the darkness that will be cell biology and ecology and another philosophy class with the moron ethics prof. so i'd really like to keep it. but i don't need it.

anyway, we'll see. i have 3 weeks till classes start again. so that will be my winter break project. pick a class. that and clean my room.

lipglaws

alright kids. listen up.

do you like cool digital art?

you know, photoshop type stuff?

well, i do. so i added a link. not in my link list. its a button down a little further.

there ya go. that's the one. click it and go see her work.

that is all.

oh saturday...

so here i am at work. trying to study but it's not working out so well. genetics exam on monday. yikes.

best thing about studying where everyone can see you?

super hot dads who see you with your genetics book and start talking to you about it and complementing you on your extreme genius.

*swoon*

save me!!

i can't do it! it's too much! it should be illegal to put students under this much stress. 2 exams in one day AND a paper due? that's just crazyness!

the essay writing exam on monday and the paper writing today and the extreme reading tonight is killing me.

AND to make it all soooo much better, the dal web ct site is down. that's right. no workie. and that's where my class notes live. so now what? blindly reading the text book is driving me crazy because i feel like i'm missing the details.

ugh. i can't wait until it's over. i swear, tuesday december 12th, i'm sleeping all day.

all. day.

so don't try to call me or message me or e-mail me because i won't answer. because i'll be sleeping. all day.

i did however have an enlightening conversation with an assistant dean of science today. i am in love with dr. retalack. she knows everything. so the stats class has been dropped. but i'm going to try to pick up a 3000 level bio class. could be tricky. and turns out i need to take history or something. because philosophy is a humanity credit and i need a social science. balls. also, as a minor she suggested community design. interesting. and since i had that mentioned in my msn name, i got a message from a long lost once upon a time friend. best friend even. he dropped out of my life in an instant and i haven't heard from him in...i don't even know how long. he moved to alberta without even a goodbye. i found out from his msn name. so now he wants me to call him when he's in town over the holidays? i'm not sure what to do here. i said he could call me. if he calls, there might be coffee. if not, then maybe not.

ok. back to biology. wish me luck.

we live in a beautiful world

in the midst of finals hell and my bad mood and mopeyness, i have something.... to say. i don't know what it is.

a while back i stumbled upon a blog by a girl in her first year of university. i'm not sure how i got there or what made me start reading, but what i found was a girl who is very similar to me when i was in my first year of university. difference being that she is much more eloquent than i am. i have never been overly talented with words.

she wrote about feeling alone and unsure and unhappy in her situation. she felt disconnected from everything and unsure of how to proceed. that was me. in all of her posts, i see a little bit of myself so i tend to check back, just to see how she's doing.

today she wrote about song lyrics. now, i know that everyone hears/reads song lyrics and relates to them. i know that. but she wrote it. and coming from her, it feels a little more real. and she wrote about the relationships you have with the people around you. she brought up the question, if you died, who do you think would come to your funeral? who would cry? who's lives would be changed because you weren't here anymore. i think about that a lot. some days, i think that no one would even notice if i wasn't here. other days i picture a room overflowing with people mourning the loss of me. depends how i'm feeling on any given day. i know a lot of people, but i'm not close to a lot of people. i can think of people who might come, just to say they knew the girl who died. that a million lifetimes ago, we had this thing that looked like a friendship. and they'd try to make it sound like we were best friends. but really we weren't at all. it's sad that i think that of some people. but i can also think of [a few] people who [i think] would definitely be there [aside from my parents and brothers]. do you think that who showed up at your funeral would surprise you? this girl thinks we'd be surprised. because we don't really know how people feel. we're all too afraid to tell each other what is really going on. so there may be people who you think would definitely be there who you think care, but who don't really that much at all. and then there are people who care about you very much and you don't even really realize it.

her conclusions? don't wait to let people know how you feel. there is no such thing as too late. people don't have to step out of your life forever.

i can think of a few people i wish i hadn't let step out of my life. and i can think of a few people that are in the process of stepping out right now. why do i let myself lose touch with people? i never tell people how i feel. well, that's not entirely true. but i tend not to. for a number of reasons. fear of rejection, fear or confrontation, fear of reciprocation.

i don't know what else to say. i'm tired and i need to write a paper. but i think i'll go to sleep instead.

there's the switch.

know what i love?

lightbulb moments.

moments of clarity where you realize what's been happening all along, but you just couldn't see because the lightbulb was off. even though you were looking for the switch. because it sucks wandering around in the dark. but i guess it's different when you know you're in the dark. when it's mostly a case of wishing the light was on, but your eyes were just closed. but no.

now the light is on.

and maybe you feel like a bit of a retard. because you probably turned the light off yourself. moron.

but hey, it happens, right?

yeah...

superb.

man, sometimes people make me so mad. i hate the games people play and the shit they tell you. i hate when people act one way around you but it doesn't at all reflect what's actually going on. this is why i don't trust people. because no one is telling the truth.

i heart great big sea!

so i got my calendar in the mail and toady i went and checked the great big sea website and some of my pictures are posted! they didn't use all of the ones i sent them. but i'm totally happy with what they selected. you can go see them here.

happy december

i can't believe its december 1 already. this term went by so fast. i'm so excited for the break but i'm not excited at all for the extreme amout of work i have to do between now and break time. i'm really lucky this year. i'm done early. dec 11. excellent. that means i get a solid 3 weeks off before next term starts. sa-weet.

i've been feeling a little mopey latey. or a lot mopey. i think it's the time of year. i think that i've realized that stress makes me all depressed. it's a pretty bad thing. right now i'm stressed out the most about my genetics exam. i pretty much need to ace it and i'm not sure that's going to happen. also causing the stress is my winter term fee assessment. $3502.50. balls. that's totally unreasonable. my brother goes to smu and his is only like $2100 or $2200. smu bastards. or no, dal bastards. and then books on top of that. where is that money supposed to come from? ugh. see? stress.

i'm so tired. all i want to do is sleep. the bright side? 10 days and it's all over. and i might be dropping a class in the winter. why take stats if it's not required? i have a meeting on tuesday with some people in the know to discuss it.

i feel like i should have something important to say. but i don't. i'm just in that kind of mood. blah. that mood. you know? i need to read ishmael and write on the environmental themes before wednesday. i also have 2 exams on wednesday. and an exam on monday. and i have to work tomorrow. oh man. sucks.

ok. that's enough whining. i promise the next time won't be so bad. i'm looking forward to a good night at the deck once it's all over. that is my light.

p.s. i really want to go to festivus at the deck on monday because last year was way too much fun, but man, thats right in the middle of everything! i can't go! balls!