what is happening?

so here we are. turns out that adding the right person to facebook results in the most glorious connection in all of time. i didn't want to get into it earlier because one can never be too careful about counting one's chickens before they've hatched. and 2 weeks ago i was confident and started counting my chickens.

so what caused me to feel that it was time for chicken counting (ok that's the end of the chicken thing. promise). it started with the best first date ever in all of time. it's amazing the instant comfort i felt as soon as my head hit his shoulder. and how the perfect play list was compiled without any information to go on but a lousy, uninformative facebook music list. the awesome continues with letters from home describing the place he grew up. i felt like i was there. i feel like i could go there and recognize the places described in the emails. letters signed with hugs and declarations of perfection and wishing i was there too only add to the happiness. the warmth of his arms, the tingles i feel from thousands of kisses and the smell of him could make me lie there forever. then there are 3 hour phone calls even though he hates the phone and cuddling at concerts an beers in the setting sunlight coming in through the pub window. he's hilarious, creative, caring, kind, talented and loves his family. he told me i'm amazing and beautiful.

everything was fantastic.

except.

except for the initial feelings of weirdness spouted while having a moment of perfection that brought tears to my eyes. and even though apologies were made, the seed has been planted that there are doubts. so now, at the 6 week mark, the emails have decreased and the suggestion of a family dinner has been glazed over like it was never suggested and there are no plans to see each other again, and plans were rejected for this weekend, the fear is quickly growing. it's rising up over my head like a wave and i'm waiting for the break. it's all going to come crashing down on my head, knocking me off my feet and sending me spinning, flying, out of control, even though i saw it coming.

i never want this wave to crash.