why am i not surprised?

it always seems that i end up the fool. why is that? why are there such jerks out there and why do i always end up crossing their path? i guess its my fault this time for putting myself in the situation in the first place, but i really did feel like it was a legitimate situation. but i felt that the last time too. and we all know how that turned out.

either way, now i feel more than a little bit pathetic. so that's always awesome.

yes, i'm still here

i know. it's been forever since i've written. i've been busy, but that's not an excuse because i have had plenty to talk about.

so the class with the clone went gloriously. i loved every second of it and am pretty sad that it's over. i ended up seeing the instructor play his instrument of choice with a band. it was amazing. i could have seriously sat there all night and listened to him play. i'm on the lookout for the next time he plays.

my job started. lets talk about how frustrating that is. there is a complete lack of support and i can't stand it. i have been there for 5 years. i know what's going on. i can't imagine what it would be like for someone who has no experience. i have a meeting tomorrow with the head of it all. hopefully i can get some of my points across.

a lot of my friends have moved back to the area. i had a reunion of monumental proportions on friday night. all the ladies from my guarding days. it was crazy. had a good time though. hopefully there will be some more good times.

so about this whole not writing thing... i've been thinking about it a lot lately. i'll think that i want to write, and then just not do it. this is the conclusion i've come to. the one person who i really wanted to read this, i told to fuck off. i started it for me, but i continued it for him. mistake. and in my realization of this, i've also realized that if i did ever run into him on the street, i could pick it up exactly where it ended off like none of the badness ever happened. i miss him a lot.

this is getting ridiculous

what's up with moron kids? calling/emailing/leaving notes threatening your high school with bomb threats is just being a fucking stupid kid. it's not funny. it's not cool. it's just stupid. 3 high schools yesterday closed, and 3 more today. 2 of the 3 today were 2 that were closed yesterday. i mean, COME ON! today was obviously just a bunch of fucking copy cats trying to be "the man" or whatever. grow the fuck up.

one of the schools does not need a bomb threat. not that any of them do, but this one in particular is trying to repair the shitty image that was bestowed upon it back in the day by the fuckheads and media. everyone in my time at the school worked hard to bring the image around. people are proud of their school and the stupid people of today and yesterday are just ruining everything for everyone who is proud of their high school. i'd like to slap these kids and try to get them to see the bigger picture.

it's over *tear*

baaaahahahahahahahaha!!!

oh my god. tonight may have been the most hilarious night of my entire life. bruce frisko, you are the man. i can't believe that guy actually got the tattoo. awesome.

and running into people who i absolutely love? icing on the cake.

they say everyone has a twin

it just so happens that the instructor for my class is the damn clone of the one person i'd rather not have standing in front of me for two and a half hours every day for the next 3 weeks given the status of our now definitely non-relationship. know how hard it is to concentrate on what the clone is saying when you're thinking about all the stupid things that mean nothing that you should not be thinking about? the clone even has the same fucking name! what the hell! i'm being punished. i must be. because it's not fair to taunt me like this for no reason. ugh.

classes and jobs

so i got the job i didn't want. but now that i have it, i'm ok with it. should be ok. i'm looking forward to be in charge. and today was the first day of my summer class. it seems like it'll be ok. the reader will cost me $100 on top of the $660 the class costs.... holy expensive. i hate that one class is costing me almost $1000. stupid universtiy. i better get an A in this class after blowing cell biology the way i did. i'm so pissed about that. but whatever. what's done is done, right?

p.s. still no dinner with my father...

silence like a cancer grows

my whole life, my family has had supper together every day. well, every day that we are all home. except weekends. weekends are usually a free for all. it's obviously gotten harder to do as my brothers and i have gotten older with people working, late classes, friends, sports, and stuff like that. but more often than not, my whole family has supper together. i know, its weird but we do it.

except lately.

i'm not really sure what happened. my dad hasn't eaten supper with the family since friday. he's been home every night. mom sets a plate for him. but he never comes and eats. i have no idea why. no one in my family talks. i have no idea what's going on. jesus.

this is beginning to eat out my insides and feeding my desire to get the hell out of here. but that would actually be running away, wouldn't it?

and here it is!

i joined this group weeks ago. awesome.

alskjfhaskldhflaskjdhgf

thats how i feel.

i am completely torn over this whole summer job thing. i want a job i haven't even applied for and don't want the job i think i'm going to get. and if i get the job, i can't turn it down [complicated situation]. i am now kind of hoping i don't get it. but if i don't, i have no guarantee that i'll get the job i want to get.

ugh. stressing.

ugh. struggling.

i don't know what to do. i am so stressed over this whole summer job thing. i am pretty much in love with the description for the whale watching assistant job. i would love that job. but i have this hang up about going to digby for the summer. why? all i want is to get the hell out of halifax. why is this so difficult? i do not want to work where i think i'll end up working. so why don't i just go to digby? ugh. so stressed.

the quote at the end of this weeks grey's that i think pretty much says it all:

desire leaves us heart broken
desire can wreck our lives
but as tough as wanting something can be
the people who suffer the most
are those who don't know what they want

the beat of my heart, it tears us apart

yeah that's right. i just quoted hillary duff. but i felt it was fitting in this case.

monday was a shit day for me. i failed an exam and pushed someone the rest of the way out of my life. i was angry and hurt and possibly over-reacted. and then after it happened, i felt horrible. i've never felt so horrible and had so much regret.

but today, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i think that i'm finally going to be able to move on. my head feels clear and that strange ache in my chest, you know the one that makes you feel like crying, is not there. for the first time in a long time. i won't be wondering when the next apperance will be. and that's a great thing.

it's sad that i had to do it. it was such a small non-issue that was driving me crazy, but it was a self preservation thing. someone who doesn't care should not be someone i want to have in my life. so...gone. and it feels good. i'll remember the good times. that's all i can say.

in my still distraught state yesterday, i went looking for jobs that were not in halifax. i was ready to leave at a moments notice yesterday. i was still in pain over the whole pushing incident. i found a listing for a whale watching business up in the digby area. they want someone who can run the gift shop and book tours and all that. it's apparently a pretty biologicaly informative and environmentally friendly operation. the guy who runs it is actually a marine biologist and ecologist and has a masters in environmental science and is into conservation and all that. that's frigging awesome. i thought about applying. i think it would be cool. except...digby for the summer? really? would i hate it? or would it be the perfect little break from halifax? i might email him and ask for some more info.

thinking about leaving yesterday made me feel kinda shitty because i felt like i was running away. from everything. but then i remembered that line in catch-22 when yossarian is being critisized for leaving and he says "there is nothing negative about running away to save my life".

ah the bitter taste of regret.

it's only been 12 hours and i already hate myself for the stupid stupid thing i did. but i can't fix it.

ugh.

way to push someone away, loser....

and more tears. awesome.

it's almost over!!

i can pretty much taste it. sweet freedom. my last exam is tonight at 7 then i'm done! ow ow!!

well, done until may 5 when my summer class starts. haha! but i think that class will be a joke. popular music before 1960? yeah. think i can handle it. i wanted to take guitar theory and history because they actually teach you how to play guitar, but its during the day and runs till the end of june. and [hopefully] i will be working by the end of may. so i can't take it. sad but oh well.

i'm a little nervous about this cell bio exam. i love cell bio and the prof, but there is just soooo much confusing information to remember and understand. i feel like i could study for a thousand years and still not know everything. i need to get an 80 on this exam and i'll get an A in the class. and that would be a glorious thing, wouldn't it? an A in cell biology? yes. i got an A in my technology and environment philosophy class though. first A ever! but that class was kind of a joke. everyone should take it. plus the prof loved me.

ok. back to studying. i will OWN you cell bio!

what the hell. seriously.

dear americans,

i've had enough of your fucking guns. what's up with shooting people? first virginia tech and now nasa? this week has been ridiculous and all it proves is that you need to do something with your gun laws. for real. clearly there needs to be some more intense background and psychological checking done before you should be able to buy a gun.

and another question, dear americans - why the need to carry concealed weapons? i understand that some of you want to seem like big and important people, but obviously you can't handle the responsibility. some of you think its your civil right to be able to carry a gun, but i seriously do not understand the need. you think that in your general every day lives you may be required to shoot something/someone? arguments of self defence are basically bullshit. because if no one was carrying a gun, it wouldn't be an issue. do you have a fear of someone coming at you with a gun for no reason that will require you to act in self defence? the way i see it is, if you're involved with the sorts of people who feel they actually need a gun to get through their everyday life, you're probably in some kind of trouble and possibly hanging out with a troubled group of people.

all you pro-gun nuts out there who are suggesting things like, "if the virginia tech students had been carrying guns, this could have been prevented", sould be set adrift on some sort of make-shift raft and left to fend for yourselves [i'm talking to you ted nugent - read here]. because that is definitely the most absurd thing i have ever heard. more guns is not the solution to this problem. less guns is the solution. yeah, the bad guys will probably always have guns. but this virginia tech guy got his guns legally. that's the problem. i'm not saying hunting rifles should go. it's the random people carrying assult weapons that is the problem. if it were legal for everyone to carry a gun everywhere, crazier people than this guy will be walking around everyday armed. yeah, great idea....

you will never convince me that carrying a gun is a good idea. ever. that some people seem so willing to shoot someone else is quite disturbing. when tempers get heated and people are carrying guns, things can escalate quickly. thats when problems start to happen. or, if everyone has a gun, people will start just shooting people and crying self defence. or they thought they were being a hero.

so in conclusion friends, i just want to say, put down the gun and start living like canadians. everyone will like you a whole lot more.

much love from the north,

me.
------------------------------------------------------------

ok. that's all i'm going to say on it. i've definitely reached my breaking point on this whole thing. i'm tired of crying and being angry.

one word that i know i could definitely go the rest of my life without ever hearing again is 'massacre'. pretty unlikely, i know, but i can hope, can't i?

which care bear am i? [aka a break from the sadness]

Share Bear You are Share Bear! You are friendly and know how much fun it is to give some of your good things to others. You are very generous, sharing, and friendly. You are a fantastic friend, but sometimes easily distracted. You aslo represent caring.
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

overwhelmed and guilty

so i've been watching cnn all evening and i was checking the cnn website every 15 minutes or so all day because i can't tear myself away from the tragedy at virginia tech. stuff like this really affects me. i'm drawn to disasters like this not because i'm a sucker for human suffering. i just feel like if i can share in their pain, maybe it will help them to know that even strangers are mourning with them. does that even make sense? and i think that this is extra hard because i am a university student. this could have just as easily happened here.

but after all the coverage i've been watching/reading on this, it's really starting to get to me. i'm feeling overwhelmed and i need a break. but that makes me feel guilty. because the VT students don't get a break. they will never get a break. they'll go home for the summer, come back in the fall and it will still be there. 20 years from now, it will still be there for them. so the least i can do is try to share in their story.

or is that strange and voyeuristic to sit here watching hours of cnn? is that just encouraging the "if it bleeds, it leads" style of brodcasting that i hate? is cnn covering this because they really do want to tell the students' stories? or are they just doing it because they know if they don't, no one will be watching cnn?

i've always had little to no love for the news media. after my experiences with the media in high school, i felt that it was a totally corrupt system led by ratings hungry news stations just looking to make money at anyone's expence. they put their spin on a story to make it more interesting without bothering to find out the actual facts, or just tell the necessary ones.

lately, however, i've started to come around a little bit. it's definitely still all about ratings [obviously, its a business] but there are reporters who care. my fondness for anderson cooper over the last year or so has caused me to watch a lot more news with a more open mind. anderson seems to actually care. maybe he's playing the biggest game of all, but he plays it well and has most people fooled. he cries and yells and gets worked up on camera so that's good enough for me. i actually think he cares. through my AC360 watching, i've gotten to "know" other cnn personalities and i think i've gotten pretty good at seperating the bullshitters from the sincere.

the unfortunate thing is i still have no love for my local news teams. they all seem fake to me. i read the paper for local news. which has its own problems. we'll save that for another post at another time.

today we are all hokies

so i know it was yesterday but it's today that i'm seeing all the news. and it's a sad day. even though i'm no where near virginia tech, i can't help but feel affected by this. it could have happened anywhere really. it's heartbreaking and terrifying and i hope that nothing like it ever happens again. my school has lowered flags to half mast out of respect. i wish there was something i could do.

the one thing that is bothering me is the media. i know that i've been glued to cnn since it happened and i want to know what's going on, but i feel for the students who are just trying to get through this but have cameras and microphones shoved in their faces. that has to be hard.

i don't really know what else to say. my thoughts are with them all.

sunday sunday

blah.

that's the word of the day. sunday's are so boring. there is nothing on tv, there is nothing good on the internet. i should be studying but i can't get myself interested. i have no one to call because everyone is busy with whatever is going on in their life at the moment: working, parents in town, fiances, actually studying...

i want to play my guitar but i have a broken string [again] and have no replacements. i need to start buying more than one set of strings at a time. you'd think i'd learn my lesson. but i didn't actually break the string this time. it was my brother. so i guess technically he owes me a set of strings.

i think that this would have been the perfect summer to find a job not in halifax. this is the first time in my life that i actually have absolutely no reason to be in halifax for a summer. other summers had lame ass reasons for wanting to be here like fun times at lower deck patio parties with friends and following shameless around, but that's not gonna happen this summer [married partners in crime have less time for such activities]. and other summers had real reasons like, someone i was seeing and actual good jobs that meant something. but this summer? i got nothing. no someone, no good job, no shameless following.

ugh. get me out of here.

the best thing about today? vanity fair's green issue. i don't care what you're doing right now, get up and go get this magazine. right now. and read it. the whole thing. cover to cover. you can check out the table of contents to find out what's covered right here.

this is what i want to do with my life. i want to save the world.

goodbye saturday

i couldn't be happier that today is ending. i have never been more tired of the bullshit.