actually, i am not five years old and i know what i'm doing.

i'm not sure what's going on at work lately. i've worked there for 5 years now and i'm pretty sure of what goes on and how things work [believe it or not].

so why is it that all of the sudden i've started getting condescending e-mailes from my supervisor detailing various procedures and little "reminders" about what needs to be done.

yeah, i've got it all under control, thanks.

it wouldn't be so bad getting these e-mails if i was actually slacking off or screwing up, but i'm not. and i know i'm not. i've even stepped it up a notch to make sure he was happy with everything. but i keep getting the fucking e-mails. and it's starting to make me hate him.

i don't know what changed, or what's going on with this supervisor [i'm not there during the week when he is] but this needs to stop. if his supervisor is coming down on him about stupid little things and pissing him off, well he needs to deal with that and stop projecting it on me. i hate being pissed off about everything when i'm there. it's one day a week. it shouldn't have me this furious.

if other people are screwing up and he's pissed about that and he wants me to do something about it, he should just come out and say that. but i'm not really seeing anyone doing anything really wrong and honestly i'm not going to put that much effort into figuring it out. if they want me to take on some kind of supervisor role, they're gonna want to start paying me for it. because right now, i've worked there 5 years and make the same wage as people who just started in september. sooo eff that. yeah.

i heart stress.

kinda freaking out. yup. here comes summer.

its the time of year where i stress out because of the whole term ending, projects due, exam time thing.

but adding to this, for really the first time ever, is my complete uncertanty about where i will be working this summer.

the summer camp job that was supposed to be my fall-back totally fell through [as i previously blogged about] and the lab jobs i dream of are not looking like they're going to be coming through for me either.

so where does that leave me?

the job i have now hires extra people for the summer, but i already made a big deal about not wanting to work there this summer. and working there = working weekends. which is shit because no one i know works weekends. all my friends do the real job thing and are thus off on weekends. plus i'm not even sure if they'll hire me for the summer because it is known that i'm looking for other things.

i just need a job. please. someone give me a job.

also stressing me out right now is the whole, what am i going to do with my life thing. i want to go to med school. pretty much more than i want to do anything. but i know that there is no way i will ever get in. my chances are probably actually zero.

so after an amazing compliment from someone on the weekend, i've started to reconsider the teacher option. high school biology would be awesome. maybe. i think about my high school bio teacher and she was amazing. if i could be her, it would be fantastic. but would i be happy doing the same thing every year for the rest of my life? the high school bio program is pretty much the exact same now that my youngest brother [7 years younger] is in grade 12 as it was when i was. gross. and as much as i worry about how i would deal with teaching, i wonder if i'd even get into an education program.

i'm beginning to feel a little hopeless.

interesting thoughts on colin firth

so just to be totally shallow, i have a comment.

colin firth just might be one of the most attractive men on the planet [in my opinion].

however.

he just might be one of the most awkward screen kissers i have ever seen. and i would not like to kiss him [much to my dismay].

this is colin getting coffee dumped on him as part of a make trade fair campaign in 2004. see? you questioned his atractiveness in the beginning. i know you did. but he supports oxfam so how can he not be hot?

plus...i'm strangly turned on by this. maybe i shouldn't rule anything out completely...

you can see the rest of the celebrities getting dumped on here
[incase you've never seen this before]

so. full.

i can't even begin to describe the disgusting eating habits i had today.

gross.

for breakfast i had an egg mcmuffin. lunch was a chicken schwarma pita from venus pizza. afternoon snack was a lot of icing.

it doesn't end there.

supper was fish and chips and after supper?

a pig out junk food feast, the likes of which have not been seen since the great dessert-a-thon of 2006. we had, fuzzy peaches, sour apple gummies, cheesies, chocolate almonds, mini eggs (regular and popping ones), nacho cheese doritos, ketchup chips, foil wrapped chocolate eggs, party mix, chocolate ice cream, vanilla ice cream, cool whip, pepermint chocolate cookies, caramel chocolate cookies, aaaand....that might be it.

it's a wonder i was able to walk to my car.

what would your sign say?

i went to the afcoop frameworks screening tonight. it was fantastic. well, mostly. haha some of the films were a little "artsy", but i can appreciate the the work someone puts into their craft. one film showed while 3 people played live music in the theatre! it was awesome. drums, guitar and bass. it was a bass driven piece and just made me want to learn even more how to play.

so i went because a friend had an animation in the festival. it was about a lightening bug who falls in love with a neon sign. very cute.

i only have 2 classes tomorrow so i'm done at 11:30!! woo woo!! what am i going to do with another free afternoon? only time will well.

and now i'm going to bed. because i'm so tired.

happy spring, lovers!

and it's the first day of spring. beautiful. and it's sunny out! more beautiful! and my afternoon class was cancelled! what! is it even possible for this day to get any more amazing?

why yes it is.

i walked all the way downtown from school, i walked along the waterfront from the Keith's Brewery [which is pretty much my favourite thing ever, especially in the non-summer because this time of year it smells like ocean and not like harbour], took the ferry, got home and there was fudge on the kitchen table, and now, because i'm home and it's not even 3:00 i'm going to take a nap [because i was up till after 2 writing a paper that i thought was due tuesday next week, but turned out it was due yesterday...oops].

glorious!!

what's with today today?

so the song that starts your day sets the tone for the day. happens every time.

the lesson we learned was, no more random shuffle to start the day. only planned play lists of pre-approved morning songs.

green beer, random meetings, and crushes

oh st patty's day... such a useless holiday. it's just another excuse to get overly intoxicated. i saw a group of six girls at tim hortons at 8:30am all decked out in their st patty's gear. people were out drinking at 7am. that's too intense for me in every way. plus i had to work till 5. so no beer at 7am for me.

after work i headed down to the red stag to meet up with some friends and have a few beers. it was jammed. it was a pretty good time overall. i ran into a girl from work who was with her fiance and a bunch of their friends. turns out he is in the same program as my ecology ta. she was there. pretty hilarious actually. we bonded over green beer and she told me not to be awkward on tuesday in lab because we saw each other hammered. haha no worries.

so as the green beer continued to flow, i found myself with an awesome sparkly green hat, dancing with a random guy wearing a green mask, and jamming to signal hill. i think this was the first time i have ever partied for st patty's day and it was pretty fun. i would have liked it more if the people i was with were more about dancing and mingling and not just hanging out on couches, but it was still cool.

also as the night went on, i found myself realizing that i'm always really happy to see one particular person whenever i see them. which isn't really all that often. it's not going to turn into anything, but crushes are (sometimes) fun so we'll roll with it.

ok i'm gonna throw on a few pics (the rest are on facebook) and then get back to work. i have way to much homework to be wasting time like this...

so there were pics here, but i took them down. they're still on facebook so if you're my facebook friend you can see them there. if not, well, looks like you're out of luck.

self-conscious guitarist

i was just sitting in the sub where there are all kinds of chairs for just sitting and chilling and there was a guy sitting in the same area and he had a guitar. he wasn't singing, but he was playing and he was fantastic. and he was just sitting around playing. this wasn't any kind of performance thing.

i wish i could do that! i love playing my guitar almost more than anything. but i don't play for people. well, hardly ever. i play once i'm drunk at parties. then people don't really realize that i suck. heh. i really want to get better. i want to be as good as people who get up on stage and play. i might have to drop out of school and just play guitar all day long. wouldn't that be glorious?

and speaking of guitarists up on stage.... tomorrow = st pattys day = needing lots of beer = red stag = signal hill and wreckhouse = delicious. haha!

happy thursday!

so i worked today. i gave up my day off and worked. i haven't had an actual day off in 3 weeks. sooo tired.

anyway, working today was so much fun. it was insane, but fantastic.

i may have gotten my big break. yup. just give it some time. i'll be on the red carpet. with some super hot hollywood type on my arm. just wait.

oh. speaking of hot, hot dad's should always travel in groups. always.

p.s. tonight i watched are you smarter than a fifth grader?. and one of the questions was from 2nd grade geography. and it read, "what country is on the northern border of the us?". and the woman hesitated. and then asked the 5th grader for the answer (kind of like a lifeline). she didn't know the answer. she didn't know that canada was north of the us. i've never actually been that shocked by a stupid american before.

balls to that

so apparently 5 years of my science job and 2 summers working at a science day camp and 6 years of teaching swimming lessons is not enough to get you a job as an instructor with the science summer camps that the university puts on. but they did suggest i work as a volunteer. right. balls to that. are they kidding me? we go to the same school. we all know what tuition is. volunteering is awesome, but it doesn't pay the bills. that's something you do once a week. not for a summer.

i'm pretty pissed. i wrote back to my rejection email and asked for specific details about their reasons for not offering me an interview. they said competition was tough. competition was tough? i was the competition. they have no idea what they could have benefited from my experience. they didn't even talk to my references. i don't usually get over-confident about things, but seriously, not hiring me is their loss. i know that i'm great at my job and i'm great with kids. i've been teaching kids for nine years. nine years! so yeah. they lose out.

anderson cooper and the catholic religion

so last night on anderson cooper 360 they had a special. it was about a cnn anchor who was molested by a priest as a young man. it was upsetting and horrible and everything you'd imagine a story about molestation to be. in the end, it turned out that the priest only served 10 months of an 18 month sentence which was reduced from a 5 year sentence. incredible. and to top it all off, the vatican has not defrocked this man, and he continues to serve as a priest. it's outrageous.

ok, so how does anderson cooper fit into all this? i read an anderson cooper blog that isn't at all about trashy gossip. it's usually an intelligent discussion about the content of the show and pretty much doesn't discuss anderson at all. i mean, every so often there are mentionings of how anderson looked that night [his ties are discussed quite often and the frequency of his hair cuts...which is a little odd].

anyway, 360 has been somewhat lacking lately. they've gotten into a rut of showing repeated "specials" in the second hour of the show and repeating the same segments over and over. it was getting annoying and the show was dull so the discussion on the board started to get out of hand. the comments were always about what anderson was wearing or how he was looking and trips to the "naughty chair" for various dirty thoughts. that also got annoying. the blog authors are quite strict about not posting personal attacks on other people or comments about anderson's personal life. so when they stopped everyons comments about how hot/sexy anderson looked on a particular evening, the comments turned into cnn bashing. everyone complained about how the blog used to be full of intelligent discussion and they miss it.

so my point to this whole thing is, last night was amazing! sure it was another special but it was fantastic. it was hard to watch thomas roberts talk about what he went through and everything that came of it. there was plenty of points to fuel an intelligent discussion. this is part of the comment i left [not to presume my comment was all that intelligent, it was just my personal point of view]:

i thought last nights show was fantastic. thomas did an excellent job of telling his story, and so soon after coming forward with it. he is a brave man and i applaud him for trying to make a difference.
what i don't understand are all these catholic priests who molest young boys/men. seriously. how can you call yourself a man of God and behave this way? i am technically a catholic since i was baptised and confirmed (my parents wishes, not mine), but more and more i find myself embarrassed by my religion. their backwards thinking about birth control and condom use (even to prevent AIDS), their views on homosexuality, and these molestation cases (among other things) make it pretty impossible for me to call myself a member of the church.
i cannot believe that the vatican has not defrocked this man and that he is still working as a priest. that part of the story has me the most outraged. how can anyone have faith in an organization that won't do anything to protect its members from this kind of horrible abuse?

i was looking forward to read what everyone else had to stay on the subject. but you know what the comments ended up being? all about the great job anderson did interviewing thomas and how awful molestation must be. and about how people have been cnn bashing lately and how the comments have gotten out of control.

come on people! this was your opportunnity to speak your mind! give your opinion and have a discussion! what is wrong with the catholic religion? why won't the vatican defrock this priest? is it just that they're all a member of some "boys club"? what if the vatican relaxed its views on homosexuality? would that reduce the number of molestations? why don't we see this happening in other religions? why just catholisism?

i was looking forward to a huge discussion on the topic. but i guess it's not gonna happen. either way, the show was amazing and i wish that things would change within the catholic religion.

today was beautiful

oh my god it was awsome out today. spring is definitely coming and i love it.

after class i walked from school to all the way downtown to catch the bus and it was glorious. i love walking to catch the bus when it's nice out. and walking through the city is great. except when you get stuck walking behind slowbies. that's not fun. but it's fun when you run into people you know who are also walking because it's beautiful.

like today i ran into a friend. he left work early. so that was cool. and then i went to freak lunchbox and got a TON of candy. delicious. but because i walked so far downtown to catch the bus at a busy time of day, it was jammed and i had to stand. so that wasn't fun either.

but it was all worth it because i have a bag of red swedish fish, and bridge mixture. that's right, bridge mixture. maybe that makes me an old man, but i love it. especially the big jujube filled chocolate ones. yum. you can laugh. its ok. i'm secure in my lame candy choices. i also love roman nougat. and i'm not ashamed to say it!

ok. it's bed time. tomorrow = huge ecology assignment and group presentation. wish me luck.

only use two words to answer each question (yeah, i'm bored)

1. Explain What Ended Your Last Relationship: it's complicated

2. When Was The Last Time You Shaved?: last week

3. What Were You Doing This Morning At 8 a.m.? definitely sleeping

4. What Were You Doing 15 Minutes Ago?: facebook stalking

5. Are You Any Good At Math?: no way

6. Your Prom Night: super fun

7. Do You Have Any Famous Ancestors?: no idea

8. Have You Had To Take A Loan Out For School?: yes sir

9. Do You Know The Words To The Song On Your Myspace Profile?: by heart

10. Last Thing You Received In The Mail?: phone bill

11. How Many Different Beverages Have You Had Today?: maybe three?

12. Do You Ever Leave Messages On People's Answering Machine?: not usually

13. Who Did You Lose Your Concert "Virginity" To?: raine maida

14. Do You Draw Your Name In The Sand When You Go To The Beach?: yeah, sometimes

15. What's The Most Painful Dental Procedure You've Had?: tooth pulled

16. What Is Out Your Back Door?: my backyard

17. Any Plans For Friday Night?: probably homework

18. Do You Like What The Ocean Does To Your Hair?: love it

19. Have You Ever Received One Of Those Big Tins Of 3 Different Popcorns?: ha! yes!

20. Have You Ever Been To A Planetarium?: yes indeed

21. Do You Re-use Towels After You Shower?: yeah sometimes

22. Some Things You Are Excited About?: summer, surfing

23. What Is Your Favorite Flavor Of Jell-O?: probably strawberry

24. Describe Your Keychain(s)?: billabong lanyard

25. Where Do You Keep Your Change?: circus tin

26. When Was The Last Time You Spoke In Front Of A Large Group Of People?: just yesterday

27. What Kind Of Winter Coat Do You Own?: columbia sport

28. What Was The Weather Like On Your Graduation Day?: which one?

29. Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?: usually closed

blah

orange bars
make me angry
when i see them
and that
makes me sad

oh canada!

ahhhhh!!!! guess what my newest plan is!!! a cross country train trip. oh yeah that's right.

it's not happening until next may because that's when the proposed travel companion will be back and have a free month. that's right, i said month. here's the deal:

30 days to go wherever via rail goes
12 train days
hop on and off as many times as you want

delicious!!

we're gonna take off on may 1 and come back may 30. haha! well, i don't know the exact dates, but that's the rough plan. we have to do it in may so we get the off season rates. june 1 is when they go up.

oh it will be glorious.

i know that next may is a loooong way off, but it's something to plan for. and other people can join in if they're serious about it. and if we deem you to be an acceptable traveling companion. because it's a month. on a train.

who's pumped?

this guy.

not the same, but nice try

a sparkly drumstick is not the same as a sparkly guitar. but it was a nice gesture. and i had a blast. so all is forgiven.

had a blast except for the creeper old men who try to be your best friend. not intersted. and driving around in snow storms is not fun either. but is deeply appreciated.

and tomorrow = work + interview. delicious. hopefully the mess is cleared before i leave for work.

one month

it's almost over. man, i can't wait for some summer vacation. even though i'm going to end up spending my days with brats at school. hahaha it'll be awesome.

actually, the cool thing about this potential camp job is the whole outreach thing. apparently you spend may and june going out to elementary schools putting on workshops for the kids. i love that kind of stuff. this job would actually be pretty awesome. and completely unlike the other day camps i did. because at these ones you're at the university and you get to do way more cool stuff. it'll be good. and kids are cool when they learn. i like it when they get all excited about what you just taught them.

so my other plans for summer include surfing until i'm a superstar. and that is all. everyone is welcome to join me. but i want to surf all the time. because i love it and i have the board and i never do it.

i don't think i have anything else to say. this was mainly just so i could put off paper writing.

p.s. lower deck on friday!! ow ow!! [unless its a horrible horrible snow storm. then we probably won't. which is sad. so hope for no snow]

long time no blog

so it's been five days since last we spoke. i think that's the longest i've ever gone. my excuse is i've been busy and i don't really have anything exciting to say.

but i have a story today. about an awkward elevator moment.

the hot friend of a friend. he doesn't know who i am. if he does, he knows i'm the random girl who thinks he's hot. haha i'm on a list with pretty much every other girl with eyes i think. either way, we've never spoken. ever. we've never been introduced. but i spend a good deal of time getting caught staring at him in the library. and today, we were in the elevator together. awkward! in my head i jumped him.

i'm also having a hard time with some drama between friends. it's not cool and i don't really know how to proceed. i don't want to get involved in any way at all and so i don't want to start being supportive to either of them. trouble is all that will bring. i've played that game before.

oh and another thing, i have a group interview for a summer camp job. ugh. day camps. shoot me. please. i do not want to spend another summer playing with kids. so over it. i found a few lab jobs to apply for but i'm fairly certain they won't work out. but i'm gonna try anyway.

ok. time for class. hopefully i get to go to the deck this week for a little shameless action. maybe friday. we'll see.

every time i wonder why i think back to the kindness in your eyes

i can't take it. i've been sitting here for...almost an hour trying to figure out exactly what it is i want to say.

ever watch movies or tv shows where one person realizes they could be losing or have lost or missed their chance with some great person, and then goes after them in some grand display of their affections for that person? or even a minor display of affections...

ok. i'm going to take this time to warn you that this could be quite an incoherrant post. because i'm not really sure what i'm trying to say and i'm just going to type as it comes into my head.

i don't like being lied to. i've been lied to before. really bad. and maybe this wasn't an outright lie, but at this point, it feels like a lie. or...maybe a complete lack of...everything. consideration, thought... all of it. maybe it was all said to be nice, preserve my feelings, but again - doesn't feel like it now. because now i'm hurting way more than if everything had just been straight from the start. or even if things had been straight at the end. i hate the way it ended. that's what i hate the most. the end. especially if it was just to please me. because now? i feel like shit and a moron. have you ever been able to hear someone laughing on the inside? i can now tell that's what was happening.

i was disappointed every time i didn't get a response. and i justified it. in various ways. because i wanted to believe that it wasn't all fake. and i know it wasn't even anything to begin with, but i still want to believe that maybe it was almost a friendship. because that's how it seemed at the time. and i thought it would just fade away. i was sure of it. because i knew that there would be no more contact. i prepared for the worst. i really did. but now, here i am almost 2 months later, and i'm starting to hurt. really hurt. and i never wanted to hurt. i never wanted it to go that far. i didn't intend for it to. but it did. and i'm hurting.

i honestly thought it would work out. or, maybe not work out, i don't know how it would go, but i thought we'd give it a go. i thought we had that. there were things that made me think that things i said were actually heard and remembered. there was a thoughtfulness. there was a trust. there was a closeness. even if it was small. it was there. which i guess is why it hurts. can you give someone up cold turkey? can you actually just forget people? stop caring?

i don't know what the real reasons were. maybe it was all true. maybe it wasn't. either way, i could have been the greatest person they will never really get to know. but every so often i find myself hoping for a gesture. any gesture. it's not too late. yet. even though, it should be.

sad.

who just watched grey's anatomy? and who cried?

ok. i'm fully aware of the lameness that is crying over a tv show and then blogging about it. but let me talk.

the last 3 episodes have been pretty sad. but i never cried once. and then this week, denny talked about missing izzy so much he couldn't stand it. and then at the end, they touched shoulders. and he was so happy. that's when i lost it. started bawling.

that's pretty much all i have to say.

wow.

i just got shot down by a guy i wan't even hitting on. that's awesome. it was a crazy jr high reunion! jesus! i fucking love guys who think they're hot shit.

i have nothing to say

i feel lame. i want to write, but i have nothing to say.

actually, that's a lie. i have plenty to say, but it's all been said before. i hate that i'm even still thinking about it. i'm clearly the only one.

another thing that's bothering me is a failure to understand. on one hand, there is someone who is assuming all the wrong things but doesn't seem to want to talk about the actual issues. on the other hand, there is the person who maybe i am not understanding, but who is also incapable of conversation.

i think i've been cut out of someones life due to the 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' rule.

i heart shameless

oh man. went out last night. saw new shameless [sans new bass man - he was ecma-ing apparently]. they are still awesome. so fun. i love it.

i do not however, love today.

not.

at.

all.

so tired. so in pain. and round 2 is tonight. but not shameless. lower deck. awesome.

the only thing about last night that was missing was the usual fantastic chats. not the same.

hmm.

no bass man = sad times

this post could have a thousand different titles...

...including song lyrics such as, i used to think i knew what i was waiting for i don't think that anymore; everytime i wonder why i think back to the kindness in your eyes; as it is that's just a lie and i'm here eating up the bordom on an island of cement. and one that i made up on my own - taking public transit is like being in purgatory

i'm not going to get into the song lyric ones. they speak for themselves.

the transit one does also, but i'll get into it a little further.

when i'm on the bus, i feel like i don't even exist at all. no one sees you, no one cares. people step on you and push you. they don't care. no one knows where you're going and you don't know where they're going. it just feels odd to me and i think about it every day. i'm just this anonymous nobody. not really existing anywhere, you know? i dunno. maybe i can't get into it because maybe i don't really understand how it makes me feel. or maybe you know exactly what i mean because you feel the same way. it's empty and it's alone. it almost feels like i'm in a movie. like i'm watching myself move through the city. ahh i have no idea. i'm going to stop trying to explain.

so what's up with guys telling me all their relationship issues? seriously. do i have 'diary' stamped across my face?

i mean, if i'm actually friends with someone, i have no problem listening to their problems. i want to help people if i can. but honestly, does a guy want to start seeing a girl who knows all his history? and not just, oh i dated that girl, kind of history. and not just, yeah i'm seeing someone, kind of current info. why is it that as soon as i am interested in a guy, he feels the need to pour his heart out? it has happened with 3 different guys recently. ugh.

and with 2 of them, i didn't really even know them that well before the talking started! i don't want to hear about how crazy your ex is or how she tries to make you jealous or how many times you've been in love vs the number of girls or how she left at 3am after fooling around! argh! these are not things you tell a girl you want to start seeing. as soon as things like that start being told, i'm out of the running.

i'm going to stop being friendly because i'm tired of being the friend.

who loves puppies?

so this is the new puppy. he's a 12 week old german shepard and his name is bear.

i have a little bear running around my house

we got a puppy.

the same breeder as the one with the dog who needed the behavioural assessment had a litter of puppies back at the end of november. they sold them all but decided to keep one to show and use to breed. i'm not sure what made them change their mind, but in the end, they decided to sell him. so we got him. he is so cute.

i feel like i'm cheating on shay. i don't know why i can't just get over this. it's been more than a month.

anyway, we named the new dog bear. i don't know if i'm ready to love him or not. we'll see how it goes.

why dr. pohajdak is the best ever.

set up: in cell bio class discussing vesicles. dr pohajdak has an electron microscope image up on the screen. it's a round object with small perforations all over it. not unlike a honeycomb.

dr pohajdak [addressing the class]: "looking at this makes me think of back when i was around your age and i used to play golf. and we used those balls...what were they called?"

class: *complete silence*

one random guy: "golf balls?"

class: *hysterical laughter*

bahahahahaha how funny is that? haha turns out the picture of the vesicle reminded him of a wiffle ball. not an actual golf ball. but it was definitely the funniest thing i've heard in weeks.

this is what the vesicles look like. incase anyone is curious:












ahhh i'm a huge nerd. it's ok. i embrace it.

so valentines day is a sham.

i hate valentines day. and not because i'm bitter that i'm single. i have no problem being single. it's better for me right now. i hate valentines day because it makes me feel like i shoud be in a relationship. or at least want to be in a relationship. but i don't want to be forced into feeling that way. whatever. i have a cell biology exam on valentines day anyway. i love cell biology. i am in a relationship with cell biology.

the reason i'm bringing this up now is the valentines day edition of the coast came out today. and every valentines day they post free messages. there are tons of them. some are totally specific with names and stuff, and other ones are specific if you are the intended reader. they are an inside joke or nick names or whatever. and then there are some that are totally vague. there are some that say stuff like this:

I'm fairly sure that I love you.
I haven't told you yet, and I'm not sure when I will, but I do.

that could be to anyone.

there are none to me. maybe that one is to me. huh?

yeah, i don't think so either.

and all the screaming was for nothing.

so that post i wrote about the family fight about the dog that had to have a behavioral assessment done...remember? yeah, that one. well, i have the results. the dog failed. it was put down.

i can't handle it.

mom is happy because now we're not getting a dog and that makes me mad at her. i feel horrible for the dog because it was only a year old.

i love having a dog, but i seriously can't take the whole putting it down thing. and the way you just get a new dog...it's like you're trying to replace the one you lost. it seems like people think pets are disposable or something.

ugh.

on a happier note, i have a 1500 word paper, 2 exams, lab report, class assignment, group project, and another class assignment between now and next friday. and a birthday celebration on saturday night and work all day saturday. plus i need to actually go to class, sleep and eat. wicked.

but then on the first saturday of the break [that's right a whole week off] i am finally going to get to see new shameless!!! i hope. that's the plan thus far. and since i was ditched by my regular shameless buddy for things such as weddings and babies, i needed to find new ones. hopefully it works out.

all around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces

i need to get out of halifax.

this urge to leave comes and goes like waves, there are crests and troughs and depending on the day/week/time of year my desire to leave grows and diminishes, but never really goes away.

i want to love this city. really bad. i am proud to call halifax home and i love being from here. but if i never leave, i will start to hate it and i do not want that to happen. because then i will leave and never come back. or come back only when i have to and hate every second of it.

why do i feel this way? there is nothing here for me. i mean, my family lives here and you can say that's here for me, but that's pretty much it. i've screwed up or something. i don't know what happened. but it's like i'm not here anyway. i am definitely an excellent candidate for "starting over". and i'd go anywhere.

the first time i wanted to leave was to go away for university after high school. and i didn't go. not because i changed my mind. because my parents wouldn't let me. since then i've thought about leaving and wanted to go but was always afraid of what i'd miss here. i was afraid that if i left for a summer or for a year, that i'd end up back here and people would have moved on without me. well here i am, having never left, and everyone has moved on anyway.

i realize that leaving now probably isn't a great idea. i have 2 years left at dal so i might as well just finish them. but after that, i'm outta here. i'll go anywhere. if i go on in school at all, it won't be here. if i get a job, it won't be here. if i were to go somewhere else in canada, it would be out to victoria or vancouver. i'd like to go to europe. ireland or scotland. i'm ready for a change. a big one. new people, new places, new experiences. and maybe i can fix the relationship i have with halifax.

the problem with facebook

so you have these people on your list. who are your "friends". man, i have people on that list that i haven't talked to in years. it's crazy. they are not my friends. maybe they were kind of at one point because we had something in common like lifeguarding. and even then i wouldn't call some of these people friends. i mean, they're nice people. and we hung out in groups. whatever. that's not my point.

this is my point.

what's up with event invitations? i've gotten three in the past week or 2. it's one thing when the person doing the inviting is an actual friend. you know? like someone you hang out with on a daily basis.

it's something else when you get an invitation from someone who you have a confused and strange relationship with. and they tell you that you are welcome to attend if you want. even though you'll know no one else there.

and it's something else still when you get one from someone you only know from class, and they've also invited 150 other people and you'll only know them. not very personal, eh? i mean, i'm not going to show up with all their friends like i'm actually wanted there when their entire facebook friend list gets invited.

it's so strange.

birthday thoughts

so here i am. 25. feels a lot like 24 right now. and 23, 22 and 21 for that matter. i never really feel like i'm getting older, but when i hear myself say my age out loud i think, what? really? no. but yup. 25.

i may not smile
as you turn and walk away
my heart just falls
on every word you say
i will not fight
cause you will not listen

i have goals for this year. the first one is stop putting so much faith in other people. yup. that's right. i trust and assume way too much and all i get is hurt. so now, you get nothing until you prove yourself worthy. some people are even being removed from my trusted list. it needs to be done.

and thought i never
led my troops to war
and though i never
learned what my life was for
and all i ever got was nothing

cause you always said one day
you always said soon i'll do it
you always said now but waited
now you've waited to long
waited to long

turning 25 feels like a new beginning. i don't know why. but it seems like a milestone of sorts. it's a clean slate. time to start doing what i want. what makes me happy. not waiting for other people to make me happy. because that's just not going to happen.

i thought you were right
cause i knew i was wrong
well you can cry if you want
cry if you want
i will hang in myself
myself

so here's to happy twenty-five. may i find what i'm looking for and become the person i want to be.

quarter century birthday celebrations

so last night was the ale house. it was strange because i had like 4 different goups of friends, and they were all spread out all over the bar. so because none of them mingled, it was up to me to make the rounds and not just hang out with one specific group. which was annoying.

and then, all my friends who i hang out with on a daily basis left by midnight. so then there was my design school friend and the people she brought, and my work friends and the people they brought. which was cool, but again, i'm neglecting someone. i started mostly hanging out with my work friends, which was hilarious. they are too funny. of the 2 of them that i knew from work, one is engaged and the other is single. so the single one and i decided it was going to be man hunt '07. but she hooked up pretty quickly. and i did not. hahaha so that was the end of man hunt '07. haha oh well. do i want to pick up a guy at the ale house? not really.

anyway, it was a pretty fun night in the end. i saw a few people that i don't normally see. now i have dinner with my family on monday, which is my real birthday. so that will be good times.

now i need to do homework. that's the worst part of going out. the hangover that makes you want to sleep, but the mountains of work that still need to be done. damn.

p.s. why would someone become a ta just to meet chicks? that's as bad as guys who become frosh leaders just to meet girls. pretty pathetic. but i could be persuaded to play along. if it came up. and it helps when they smell so good. we'll see.

arguments, screaming, puppies and family

i'm not ready for this.

it's only been 3 weeks.

i'm not ready for a family-wide fight about new puppies. seriously, we just lost our dog. mom was pissed, bro#1 was pro-dog, bro#2 was arguing against everyone, and dad is pro-dog. i just stood there listening.

here's the worst thing. my dad works with this guy who breeds shepards. and he had this dog who he sold to a family. apparently there was an incident and the dog got aggressive with a young teen girl, but didn't actually hurt her. the family didn't like it so they gave the dog back to the breeder. they felt really bad but didn't want an aggressive dog. anyway, this dog as been back with the breeder family for 2 weeks now and the guy says that he hasn't seen anything wrong with him. he hasn't been aggressive at all towards anyone in his family or anyone who has come into the house or other animals. but since there was this complaint against the dog, they have to take it for a behavioral assessment. if the dog passes, then the guy needs to find a new home for it [potentially us]. if the dog fails the assessment, it gets put down. what? yeah. my dad said that and i was almost back in tears. it's only a year old!! but the breeder guy says that's how it goes. you can't have dogs being aggressive because it looks bad on you as a breeder.

so i am on the fence about a new dog. personally, i'm not ready. really. it's too soon. but i don't want this dog to get put down! now i want it. i feel so bad for him. dad was like, we won't know anything till next week when we know how this assessment goes. then we'll decide if we want him or not.

i wish my dad hadn't even told us about this till after the dog passed the assessment.

anonymous e-mails are upsetting

it was sent on saturday but i didn't get it until today. i don't check that address very often.

if it was sent by someone random just to be mean, that's one thing. someone who doesn't even know me and is just being a jerk, well i can deal with that.

even though, the circumstances are very strange for it to be someone random.

so, if it was sent by someone who does know me and understands, then fuck you.

fuck you and your cowardice. sign your name next time.

actually, there won't be a next time. because once you see this, you'll know i got the e-mail and you won't bother coming back. ever.

why does this always happen to me? i don't get it. jesus. i'm tired of feeling like shit! this made me feel like shit and that is the very last thing i need right now. the very last. because i'm already feeling pretty fucking shitty. so thanks to you flash.

random or not, it ruined my day.

WOOO!!!!

new camera! new camera!! new camera!!!

NEW CAMERA!!!!!!

100 random questions [sorry, i'm bored]

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING? nope
2. LONGEST FRIENDSHIP? probably faith? i've known people longer, but i'm still friends with her.
3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED? late christmas gift from my aunt. it was a vest.
4. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DROPPED YOUR CELL? i've never dropped my new one. that's how i broke my last one.
5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? haha september?
6. THING YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON? threadless t-shirts.
7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE? tacos
8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? eyes
9. ONE FAVORITE SONG? side of the road by blue rodeo
10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? nova scotia
11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED: chdhs
12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER: telus
13. FAVORITE MALL STORE: ummm... i don't think i have one...
14. LONGEST JOB EVER HAD: my 5 year birthday at my science job is in a month. i was a lifeguard for 6 years but working at different places.
15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?: yeah
16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?: no
17. LAST WEDDING ATTENDED? anna's
18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY?: i have no idea
19. LAST TIME YOU ATTENDED CHURCH: anna's wedding
21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE HEARD?: ha! there have been so many....
23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS? ah as long as my friends are there i'm not picky.
24. CAN YOU COOK? not really.
25. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?: accent that i share with my bros
26. BEST KISSER?: i don't kiss and tell
27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: saturday when i was asked about a sad topic
28. MOST DISLIKED FOOD: sheppards pie
29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF?: sometimes i'm funny
30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF: procrastinate like a champ
32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB? 12 hours
33. FAVOURITE MOVIE? : casablanca or cool hand luke
34. CAN YOU SING?: not even a little bit.
35. LAST CONCERT?: last real concert was....U2. but i see bands in bars all the time.
36. LAST KISS?: i'll never tell
37. LAST MOVIE RENTED?: i don't really rent movies
38. THING YOU NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT?: phone and ipod
39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT? : i've never really been anywhere.
40. DO YOU LIKE CHINESE FOOD? : loves it
42. IS YOUR ROOM CLEAN? : not. at. all.
43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?: laptop
44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?: ron sparks
45. DO YOU SMOKE?: nope
46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES? : with
47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT? : soft ben
48. LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?: i've never been in one.
49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE? 1. and i knew him.
50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?: pancakes
51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?: i lurve it.
52. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?: scrambled
53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?: nope
54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?: michelle
55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?: my mom
56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?: melanie
57. MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING?: mcdonalds
58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?: 1
59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: awesome threadless t-shirt and jeans
60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC OR SONG?: ya know that women never really faint and villans always blink their eyes and that ya know children are the only ones who blush and that life is just to die
61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J SANDWICH? strawberry
62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?: haha not really. but its fun to try.
63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SWIM?: yes. kind of the first step of being a lifeguard.
64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?: peppermint chocolate chip
65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?: i guess they can come in handy
66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF?: i am an awesome balloon animal maker.
68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?: yup
69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? summer
70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID? yesterday. i got a wet willie. thanks.
71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING?: 7:00
72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER? : it ends.
73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?: never
75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?: butch
76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?: pirates are awesome
77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?: celebrating my 25th bday!!
79. WHAT IS THE THIRD LETTER OF YOUR NAME?: e
80. HOW OLD ARE YOUR PETS?: i don't have any pets. sad.
81. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BACKPACK?: blue
82. ARE YOU SICK?: nope
84. IS THE BATHROOM OPEN?: yes?
87. ARE YOU SMILING?: right now, no. but i tend to smile quite often.
88. DO YOU HAVE ON EYELINER?: nope.
89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW? : yes.
90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?: anywhere that isn't here.
91. DO YOU HAVE A MYSPACE? DO YOU HAVE A LIVE JOURNAL? myspace
92. DO YOU WATCH AMERICAN IDOL? : no
93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?: of course
94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NICKNAME FOR YOURSELf?: i don't really have one
95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?: i have a thousand bathing suits. mostly black. but in other colours too.
97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?: nope
98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?: nope
99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?: nope
100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?: yes.

oh ron sparks you crack me up

hahaha i have ron sparks as a "friend" on myspace. he's really good at commenting back which is hilarious. i invited him out for beers on my birthday. but he can't make it. halifax is just too far. hahaha how hilarious would it have been if ron sparks had showed up for beer on my birthday! oh i would have lost it.

and i would have been the coolest girl in school. you know it.

where is my prince charming?

there is a ball at school this weekend.

a ball.

haha i know that just means a formal dance/gathering, but they're calling it a ball and i want to be cinderella.

i know there is a ball because i invited someone to good times at the ale house on saturday night and was told that he would be attending the charity ball on saturday night so he couldn't come party it up with me. which is fine. casual acquaintence. him not being there won't make or break my night. i was just being friendly.

anyway.

the point is, i want to go to a ball. i want to wear the dress and look spectacular and have a great guy with me and dance all night. how fun!

it won't happen this weekend. but i'd even take a great guy at the ale house. or at dinner. i'll still try to look spectacular. but there are no guarantees. heh.

why can't i just write the paper? because birthday planning is more fun.

i have a 750 word paper due tomorrow. and i haven't even started it yet. and i know that 750 words isn't even that much and i could probably write it in 2 hours if i would just do it. that's what's annoying me the most. that i won't just write the frigging paper.

i also have a formal lab report to write for tuesday. bah. it's really long but i don't think it will be that hard to write up. it has graphs and stuff i'll need to do. that's kind of annoying.

i'm such a slacker.

so it was my dad's birthday yesterday. my bros, my mom and i have been frantic trying to come up with stuff to get him. he's impossible to buy for and says he doesn't want anything. but you can't not give him anything. can you? i dunno. anyway, we got him a few things and he didn't like any of it! my mom took everything back today. except for the tim horton's money, which he also knocked by saying, i make my coffee every morning and take it with me. WELL NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO!! geeze. so frustrating.

speaking of birthdays....mine is in a week. 25. wow. it's strange to think about. 25. i don't feel like i should be 25. i'm not where i thought i'd be at 25. but oh well. whatever. i'm not going to dwell on it. i made some plans for saturday night. dinner and then to a bar for some drinks. and no, i'm not going to the lower deck. surprised? yeah i kinda am too. shameless will be there but i'm not interested in sitting at a table and focusing on a band on my birthday. even though i had a blast last year. and i want to see the new shameless really bad. this year i think i'm gonna hit the ale house. i usually have a good time there. and i usually run into people i know. so that could be cool. hopefully everyone shows up. i invited my girls from work. they're hilarious. if they come, it will be a good night.

ok. paper time. for real.

it's guy love

funniest video ever. i love scrubs.

and procrastinating some more...

saturday night at the lower deck.
i need to get my own camera because there were some random pictures that i'd post here with a story if i had them. but i don't. they got deleted.
anyway, here are two pics - us girls, and me with the happy couple [notice my awesome threadless tshirt].

some things are more important than ecology

i got sucked into facebook. damn. what a waste of time that is. i'm addicted to looking up people i haven't seen in forever. and joining groups like, if i were an enzyme i'd be dna helicase so i could unzip your genes [ahh hahahahahaha! it's funny because dna helicase is the enzyme that unwinds the double strand of dna in preperation for dna replication! hahaha! ...no? just me? oh.].

and i need to get my head into this ecology class. it's killing me. i'm not interested so i'm not doing the work i need to be doing. there is a lot of annoying stats calculations that need to be done. and i could care less about the material. my lab today was measuring the length and weight of plants grown in different numbers in pots. blah. i am not going to be an ecologist.

now cell biology. there is something i spend my time reading.

p.s. less than 2 weeks till my birthday!

so sleepy but happy at last. or at least for now.

that was exactly what i needed. a crazy fun night at the lower deck. just to get a break from all the feeling badness.

and the tears come streaming down your face when you lose something you can't replace

it's been a week. but it feels like it's been a hundred years. and i'm still crying.

sometimes you just need a little lower deck

so i said i wasn't going to post about my dog anymore. so i'm not going to say anything about how i still feel like shit because every time i come around the corner at the bottom of the stairs i expect to see her lying there, because never get met at the door anymore, because when i'm sitting in my room on my bed she doesn't come in and lie down, and because when i'm home alone, the house is actually empty.

this post is about happy things.

like the lower deck on saturday. it's going to be a marathon evening. supper and matinee and then straight through till the end. should be good times. there will be a core duo there the whole evening with special guest appearances for the supper portion, and then for the later portion. i'm looking forward to it. i need something to get my mind off things. it's not my usual band, but these guys have never disapointed in the past. so we'll see.

being sad is bad enough

i'm so pissed at my mom. my brother and i got a drive home from school with her today. all she did was rip up shay for being this horrible dog the whole way home. her and my brother argued about getting a new dog. mom used the example of how awful shay was to argue her point for not wanting a new dog.

i cried the whole way home.

she was not an awful dog at all. my mother is just being a bitch. yeah shay chewed stuff when she was a puppy, but dogs do that. she totally grew out of it. she hasn't chewed anything in years. we could leave her alone in the house and she didn't pee on the floor, or eat people shoes, or chew on the chair legs or eat the plants. i think she was pretty frigging great. her only problem was she wasn't very social. which was a pain when people came over. but we dealt with it. all mom ever did was bad mouth her. her whole life. and she's still doing it. and then mom got annoyed with me because i didn't agree with with she was saying. and asked me why i was crying and told me to stop. cuz she was just a dog.

just a dog? that dog was my best friend.

i think i'm going to stop writing until i have something else to talk about other than this.

an odd empty feeling

i've never been so uncomfortable in my own house before.

since getting home from work yesterday evening, i haven't really left my room because i don't want to walk around my house and see everything that's different. i can't even look in the livingroom as i walk by because i know her pillow isn't there anymore. her blankets aren't at the bottom of the stairs and her dishes aren't by the back door so i haven't gone down stairs. even eating with my family at the table is awful because she's not lying in the kitchen doorway waiting for us to finish.

people keep asking me what happened but i still can't talk about it. my brother had the news on his msn name so people know it happened, they just don't know why.

i haven't been able to sleep much at all because every time i close my eyes, i re-live friday afternoon.

i don't know why i'm taking this so hard. you'd think i'd never lost a pet before. my last dog died when i was 18 and we'd had him since i was 3. that was pretty much the worst day of my whole life. thinking of that day can still make me tear up. i never wanted to feel that way again. and even when we got this dog, i stayed distant. for a long time. i didn't want to get attached. but in the end, she loved me almost as much as she loved my dad and way more than she loved my brothers or my mom.

i miss her so much.

so what now?

i've never not wanted to go home after work before. i don't want to go home to my dog not meeting me at the door. i'm actually dreading it. right now i feel like i never want to go home again.

i don't even know what to say

i can't stop crying. my dad just took our dog to be put down. i don't know what to do. i just want someone to hold me so i can cry forever. i'm so angry.

what!

so shameless' new bass player is the guy from rant?!

i loved rant! i was sad when they stopped coming around! i can't believe it!

ok. now i'm excited.

but i feel a little guilty about that...

maybe they'll be awful.

nooo not possible. they'll be good.

but it still won't be the same. i'll always prefer the other guys. who will i have to talk to on the break when i have a table? the people i came with? pfft...

plants and civilization

update on this class.

it. is. awesome.

haha i think that it's really going to be fantastic. the prof seems super nice and very enthousiastic about the material.

the best part?

one of our assignments is a research project on a particular crop [mine is the pear] and we have to write about it as if we were writing for school aged children! with illustrations and stuff! ah! so exciting! yeah, this could be the best class ever. it's still early though. but it's definitely the leader at this point.

oh school...

it feels like the whole christmas break never even happened. sitting in class, i feel like i never left. blah.

anyway, i've had 3 of my 4 classes so far today.

cell biology, although may kill me, will be damn interesting. it will be like genetics. i loved genetics, i just sucked at it. the prof gave us a list of about a thousand words and we're expected to know all of them and their definitions. dun dun dun....

and ecology? yeah, that's probably going to be the most awful, boring class ever. but we'll see how it goes i guess.

the philosophy class is pretty much the same as the ethics class from last term because it's the same prof. except she has a group project/presentation thing. balls. i hate group projects. the funniest thing about this class is my ta from one of my biology classes last term, the one who was in my ethics class, he's in this class with me again. it's funny because he made a huge deal about wanting to drop the class and i told him not to so we could be philosophy buddies. haha i know that he didn't actually stay in the class to be my philosophy buddy. it's just funny.

i really want to do well this term. i'm really going to try to stay on top of the readings and those stup - i mean lovely definitions for cell bio. he said that if you don't know anything but those definitions, you'll get a B in the class. so that's encouraging.

now i have one more bio class this afternoon. i still can't remember what it's called... ok, plants and civilization. this is what the descriptions says:

The course covers the botany, domestication, development,
distribution, production, processing, history and economic and
social impacts of plants which have become major world crops.
Topics include the cereals (corn, rice and wheat), flowers (tulips
and orchids), fruits (apple, blueberry, citrus, grape, olive, pineapple
and strawberry), vegetables (alliums, beets, legumes, lettuce,
potato and tomato) and industrial crops (cocoa, coffee, cotton,
hemp, rubber and sugar), and the development of novel
bioproducts (bio-fuels, etc) from plant sources. Course includes
field trips and laboratories.

yippie skippie... why did i sign up for this again? haha we'll see how it goes. it probably won't be that bad. it's cross listed as an environmental studies course so i don't think it will be that intense. i'm curious about the field trips though...

and you know what i just noticed? it lists tomato as a vegetable. i thought tomato was a fruit... it actually makes sense that the tomato is a fruit. a fleshy fruit. because it contains the seeds. so it's the ripened ovary of the tomato plant. beets, legumes, lettuce and potato are nothing like a tomato. hmm...curious...

random babblings pt 2

so mark darcy dumped his fiance, quit his job, and flew back to london from new york for bridget. and she was never very nice to him. even when she told him she liked him, she was a little bit rude. except for that speech.

and his line? he forgot to kiss her goodbye...

anyway. enough of that.

i ordered another threadless tshirt










it's funny because i'm a biology student. i love it. it has the atomic number and mass of carbon on it! it's fantastic.

i also want this one









but i'm not so sure. i like what the little wishes are. but i'm not sure about it as a shirt.

random babblings

first of all, school starts tomorrow. i am not ready for classes. christmas vacation was too much! i need a vacation to recover from my vacation. but i had a blast. seriously. lots of great people home for the holidays, lots of good nights out, lots of good food and good music and good times. i'm happy with the way it all went down.

i'm not happy about two people who i have no idea when i'll see again. one is back to newfoundland till possibly next christmas, and the other, well, who knows. maybe i'll run into him on the street some day. *wink*

anyway, about this school thing. i'm only taking 4 classes this term which is good, but 3 of them are biology classes. so this term could be the death of me. i'm not sure. i'm definitely not excited for cell biology. apparently it is the equaly as evil twin brother of genetics. and we all know how awesome that turned out... yikes. ecology will just be boring. which will make it hard to study. but all the marks are tied up in exams. which are not my forte. so we'll see how that goes. and then i have some random plant class..i don't even know what it's really about. plants and how humans use them and stuff i think. either way, the lab is described as including field trips. so that's strange. and what's my fourth class? oh it's another philosophy class. wicked. and the best part? its the same crazy prof from the ethics class last term. the only positive to this is that i got a B+ in that class. so this one should be similar. right?

all this talk of weddings is blowing my mind. i mean, it's happy. if someone wants to get married, it's a happy thing! and i'm happy they're happy. it just seems...strange that people i'm so close to are getting married. i've been to friends weddings before. but they've always been older than me. anyway, in this wedding, i get to be the flower girl, ring bearer, maid of honour, and witness. wow. that's some responsibility. haha! i can handle it. and then there will be the par-tay! it's this spring. keep your calendar open. you may get the call to be my date.

and in closing, i'd just like to say that i love video on trial. and ron sparks might be my newest celebrity crush.

happy new year

so here it is. 2007. is it everything you hoped it would be?

did you ring in the new year with a bang? or with a passing glance?

i was hoping that the band would forget. but they didn't. so i counted down and welcomed in another new year. alone. surrounded by kissing couples. and all i could think was, i should have kissed him when i had the chance.

happy 2007. i hope it all happens for you.

should i have something profound to say?

people get to deep around new years. they look back at everything that has happened and look forward to all that could happen...

there have been good times, but nothing that is standing out as note-worthy for a year end trip down memory lane. and nothing overly bad has happened either. i think that the one thing i really realized this year is that i have regrets. and i'm only just 25 [almost]. i've realized that by 25, some people have accomplished so much more than i have. even just little things. like they don't live at home anymore. i hate that i'm a struggling student. i hate that i'm trying to be responsible and stay living at home so i can cut down on student loans. i know that's the smart thing to do, but i'm missing out on my 20's.

i feel like i've lost touch with people i love. friends from design school are a big loss this year. what happened there? we were so tight. people i just met are also disappearing from my life this year without really having a chance to leave their mark.

and why am i still playing the same games with some people? it's been too long. can we just stop.

i'm really ready to grow the hell up.

that's how i feel about 2006.

happy new year.

i'm home!!

i love my dog. i'm never leaving her again. the end.

embarrassing!

so the people i was dog-sitting for weren't supposed to get home until 8:00 tonight. i was going to have 3 hours after work to pack up my shit and clean their house.

nope.

they're home now.

and my clothes are all over the room i was sleeping in. my stuff is all over their bathroom. my guitar tab sheets are all over their coffee table. my slippers are in the middle of their livingroom. the dogs toys are all over the house. the garbage should be emptied.

and the worst part is, this guy is my boss. i bet he saw my underoos.

at least i did the dishes.

p.s. exactly one month till my birthday!

i just want to write everything

i have so much that i just want to get out.

stuff has been happening the past few days/weeks that makes me want to spill my guts on everything. i know that i could sit here right now and write my entire life story without even hesitating.

but instead i'm going to say nothing.

except, i'm tired.

i think that sums up everything.

i'm just tired. i'm ready for my life to begin. i'm tired of feeling like a kid. i'm tired of waiting around for something great to happen. i'm tired of waiting for other people. i'm tired of not being completely sure of myself. i'm tired of feeling inferior. i'm tired of feeling unattractive.

there are going to be changes in the new year. if you want to be a part of it, you better let me know. because it's all getting left behind if not.

it's almost over!

tomorrow night i get to sleep in my own bed. i can't wait. and i'm excited to get away from that annoying dog. haha my tune has change quite a bit since the beginning. the dog is just so weird. she makes me miss my dog so much.

and i got a phone call yesterday from someone i haven't talked to in probably close to two years. he's home for christmas. he said we should hang out but i have other people who i want to see who have kept in touch who are higher up on the priority list than he is. i don't know if i'll get to see him or not. i wrote before about letting people walk out of your life and how i wish it didn't happen. well, this guy was my best friend. but then he reorganized his priorities [some things are more important than your friends] and we stopped hanging out. and then stopped talking. for a while it really hurt me. i was so upset that we had grown apart [it was like he was changing back into some junior high form of himself]. but now i'm pretty indifferent. if i don't see him while he's home, it won't be the end of the world. i guess i'm sorry that's how it turned out. we were tight. oh well. shit happens.

i had an awesome night last night with pei friends who are home. we were lied to by the 4th person for why she couldn't come hang out. lame. why tell one person you have a migrane and tell the other person you're busy? you don't think we're gonna discuss the fact that you're not there? whatever. just another person lost to a relationship. it happens all the time, right?

and, do i want to baby-sit on new years eve? what else am i gonna do? might as well... haha now i kinda wish i had plans. maybe i can make some before i have to let her know tomorrow about the kid.

painful

and gone. i hate this.

i hate that this is bothering me.

i hate that i'm being such a girl.

i hate that he's not here.

i hate that he won't be here.

i hate it.

i didn't want to cross that bridge

drunk and almost famous till 4am.

now what?

i'm not sure. this is not the list i want that name on.

merry christmas!

so it's pretty much over for another year. it's amazing how much build up there is for just one day. the pressure of finding the perfect presents for everyone, all the food that needs to be cooked, decorations, parties, traveling... and then in in a span of 36 hours, its over.

and this christmas, i haven't really been home. i am doing that dog-sitting thing, which is fantastic because i am getting a little break from my family, but at the same time, i miss my house at christmas. there are no decorations here or yummy cookies being baked or my brothers or my dog. just the weird dog and scary paintings on the wall. so it's starting to get a little lonely. 4 more days.

last night i stayed at home though. and i slept like a baby. i miss my bed. and my brothers and i played board games. i can't remember the last time i played a board game, let alone with my brothers. we played trivial persuit 90's, clue, sorry and half a game of monopoly. that game is way too long. i can't stand it but it's my youngest brother's favourite so we had to. and i forced trivial persuit and clue on everyone.

my parents loved the gift my bros and i got them. a duvet. they didn't have one. so everyone was right. i wasn't sure how it would go over but i was assured by all that it would be fantastic. and i got my boots! yea!! and a really nice gift from one of my friends. who wasn't supposed to buy me a gift because i wasn't buying gifts for any friends. i told her not to and she did anyway. but i love it. thank you again.

boxing day we usually head to new glasgow to visit my family - grandmothers and various aunts, uncles and cousins. but it's looking right now like tomorrow is gonna be somewhat messy weatherwise so i don't know if we'll go or not. have to wait and see. i'd like to go, but honestly, a nice sleep in would be beautiful. i haven't slept in in over a week. i'm tired from working all last week and then going out on thursday and saturday nights and always having to get up early for one reason or another. although...i can honestly say that thursday and saturday nights were worth it. thursday for shameless, and saturday for other reasons. there were some awesome people out on saturday night.

holy blast from the past batman

i just saw my high school english teacher. i graduated from high school in 2000. and he came up to me and said hi and knew my name. colour me impressed. because the last time i saw him, maybe a year and a half after high school, he had no idea who i was. i didn't expect him to know me this time. but he did. happy. i like being remembered. this is the feel good story of the day.

dear teen burger

you may be the most delicious thing i have ever eaten in my whole life. thank you.

i'm a crier

i didn't cry because i assumed there would be more. but now that i'm re-reading it, my chest is getting tight. i might cry next time. lame, i know.

best night ever

well, maybe not ever but it was pretty awesome. i love the lower deck. lurve even. i don't know if love is strong enough to describe it. and shameless? i lurve them too. i don't know what i'm going to do in the new year. seriously. just won't be the same. hopefully i get out one more time before it changes.

a night with shameless is definitely a guaranteed wicked time for me. i want to go again right now. actually, what i want to do right now is sleep. i have to work tomrrow. boo on that. but i'd go again tomorrow night.

p.s. if you [yes you] read this, sorry i was a moron. i know you want to leave but the thing is, i never see you and talking to you makes me happy. like it or not.

what superhero am i?

you are superman
you are mild-mannered, good,
strong and you love to help others.



click here to take the superhero personality test

happy-sad

it's tonight!

my return to the lower deck! and my band will be there!!

but about my cover band. big changes are coming. i'm not happy. and i may not get to see them again, as they are now. and i'm a little sad about it.

ok, a lot sad.

it just won't be the same.

sometimes i wish i lived in a movie

now here you go again
you say you want your freedom
well who am i to keep you down
it's only right that you should
play the way you feel it
but listen carefully to the sound
of your loneliness
like a heartbeat, drives you mad
in the stillness of remembering
what you had, and what you lost
and what you had, and what you lost

-fleetwood mac

bonus!

ok, so the best part about walking a dog at the park is the cute guy who is also walking a dog at the park.

ah dog-sitting

i am in love with this dog. and this house. and the quiet.

when i'm at home, i live about a 10 minute walk from 2 different supermarkets, 2 different drug stores, the bank, and tons of other stuff. but do i ever walk anywhere? no. i despise walking around my neighbourhood. but when i lived in the city, i walked everywhere. it didn't matter how far away it was, i walked. and just now, i walked to the grocery store and it took me about 20 minutes. i loved the walk! but if i were at home, i would have either drove a car, or not gone. lazy!

and now, i'm going to take the dog for a walk. beautiful.

also, i love visitors! give me a call and come visit.

what is happening?

so its 2:30, my brother still isn't home, my dad is awake, and i'm in trouble.

what?

yeah. apparently it was up to me to stop my 17 year old brother from going out after the dance. um, no. not really my responsibility to stop him. i told him he shouldn't go. he told me not to wait up. i'm not locking him in his room.

i called him at 2:00 and he said i shouldn't be waiting up and he would be leaving soon. and then like 2 minutes later my dad got up, saw my bro wasn't here, and came to ask me. i told dad that bro was leaving soon to come home so dad waited. half an hour later, no bro. dad is pissed. he calls bros cell. he hasn't left yet.

the best part of this whole thing is that i'm getting a responsibility lecture and i didn't even get to have any fun and i'm almost 25 getting this lecture. so there is no plus to this.

and now my mom is up. and my dad is telling her how i let my bro leave. and now i hear her coming towards my room. fantastic.

all i want to do is sleep.

so maybe i'm a goodie goodie

i never got in trouble in high school. ever. my parents trusted me completely. i never had a curfew. i didn't lie to them or sneak out of the house or stay out all night without them knowing.

i have the worlds heaviest guilty conscience.

my youngest brother is in grade 12. tonight was his christmas semi-formal dance. my parents like to wait up for him to get home. he's 17 and they know it won't be really late and they just want to make sure he gets home. which is fine. it's their thing.

ok so what does this have to do with me?

i was asked to wait up for him. my parents were tired and they have to get up so early for work. ok, that's fine. the dance ends at 11:00. no problem, i'll wait up.

but when he gets home at 11:15, he tells me he's just come home to change and he's heading right back out again.

hmmm. how do i approach this?

on one hand, i don't care what he does. go out. have fun. whatever.

on the other hand, i was told to wait and make sure he gets home ok.

so. do i tell him he can't go? no, i'm not his mother. but do i still have to wait up for him? i was told to wait up. i have to wait up. do i want to wait up? heck no. i'm tired. it's almost 12:30. i need to sleep. i can't sleep in tomorrow.

i can't go to bed. if he didn't come home, and my parents got up and realized, it would be the end of the world. but he's gone. and he's just with his moron friends. they say he'll have a drive home. but who knows really.

the funny thing is, i told him to go wake up mom and dad and ask them if he could go. he said no. and he just left. i would never have done that. never. and if it had been me, it would have been my mom waiting up and i wouldn't have even asked her to go out at 11:30 after a dance on a monday night. and my brother didn't even care. he just left. he said, "mom and dad won't even know i came home and left again".

so here i am suffering because i'm still being overly responsible.

the holiday

i just got back from seeing this movie. the holiday. and i have one thing to say.












jude law is beautiful.

doing nothing

i love having nothing to do all day. it's fantastic. because i know it's going to end. it ends wednesday. then starting thursday i work every day until school starts again except xmas eve, xmas day, boxing day, new years eve and new years day.

awesome.

could you hear the sarcasm? yeah. i kinda wish i hadn't taken on all the extra days of work. i did it mostly to just get out of my house, but now that i have this dog-sitting thing all lined up, i'll be out of my house anyway. oh well. the money will be good. i need to buy text books for the winter term.

so i went today to meet the dog i will be hanging out with. she is awesome. i am so excited. she goes for walks and is so unbelievably super friendly. she's great. and the best thing about this dog-sitting arrangement is that they live a 10 minute bus ride from work. where as my house is a 50 minute bus ride. beautiful.

tomorrow i need to clean my room because it's a disaster and i don't want to come back after 10 days to a mess.

and hopefully on wednesday or thursday i'll get to hit the lower deck. and good friends from toronto come home saturday! party on wayne!

christmas is coming!

so we put up our tree last night. my dad and I went out and bought one. a real one. i think we did a pretty good job of picking one out.

anyway, i don't know how it happened, but i always end up putting all the lights on by myself. that's pretty much the worst part of tree decorating and i get stuck with it every year. so my dad put the tree in the stand and my mom pulled the lights out of the box, and then they sat down to watch me struggle with 10 strings of lights. thanks guys. after some complaining, my dad ended up helping me. so that was good. but then they stopped. there are no decorations on the tree. just lights. they said they'd put the orniments on today while i was at work. yeah...we'll see.

also, my bros and i got our gift for our parents. i hope they like it. i would like it. if they don't, they can just give it to me. nooo problem.

on a non-christmas note, my exams finished on monday. and i haven't had any beer yet to celebrate. i could have gone to the lower deck last night with some people just for the matinee [mmmmm....paul lamb....] but it was my bros 20th birthday yesteray so we did the whole family dinner/cake/presents thing last night so i didn't go. there are tentitive plans to go to the deck on wednesday or thursday this week, but we'll see how that goes. i just need to go to the lower deck. i love it so much.

know what else i love? buck 65. and he's playing on boxing day night at the marquee. oh man do i want to go. i don't really care at all about anyone else who will be performing, but i want to see buck really bad. i dunno who i'll be able to rope into that. but it would be sweet. its only $7 at the door. come on. you know you wanna.

and today? i had a major bast from the past. a guy i went to school with all through elementary, jr high and high school was here today. i couldn't believe it. i haven't seen him since high school. he goes to dal! i go to dal. i have never seen him there. maybe i will in january now that i know he's there. haha and it was funny because i saw his brother first and i don't even know his brother and his brother definitey doesn't know me and when i saw him i was like, "HEY!!" but it was more just shock that i was seeing this guy than it was a greeting. and he was like, hey! haha i'm such a moron. he has no idea who i am. i love embarrassing myself.

poor muffin

so we're still trying to figure out what is wrong with my dog. they did urine tests and they both came back weird. so then they were worried about her kidneys so they did blood work. but the blood work came back normal for her kidneys, liver and pancreas. so what's wrong with her? no idea.

we leave water sitting in a bowl for her just all the time. i mean, we change it if it gets fur or dirt in it, and if its been there all day, we put new water in. but the vet wants us to only let her drink for sure clean, new water. so we have to put water in a clean bowl, let her drink it and then take it away and not let it sit. and we need to keep track of how much water she drinks in a day.
man, i hope she's ok. my dog dying is definitely not something i want to happen right now.

yea for tshirts!!

my tshirt came today!! my first ever threadless tshirt!! i am in love with it.

i ordered 2 more last week:
























i am in love with the bear and the honey one. sooo cute.

too bad they won't be here in time for xmas though. stupid slow-ass mail...

i'm free!!!

it's over!

OVER!!

man, that genetics exam was long and hard. but i think i did ok. hopefully.

i can't believe the fall term is over already. it went by so fast. i don't think that i'm going to as well as i really hoped to do, but i am definitely doing better than any other school term i've done. there is the possibility of an a- in my ethics class. me! an a! its exciting. for me.

i need to pick another class for the winter. there is a bio class i want but the only lab time doesn't fit in my schedule. pissed. it would fit if i dropped my music class, but that class is like a shining beacon in the darkness that will be cell biology and ecology and another philosophy class with the moron ethics prof. so i'd really like to keep it. but i don't need it.

anyway, we'll see. i have 3 weeks till classes start again. so that will be my winter break project. pick a class. that and clean my room.

lipglaws

alright kids. listen up.

do you like cool digital art?

you know, photoshop type stuff?

well, i do. so i added a link. not in my link list. its a button down a little further.

there ya go. that's the one. click it and go see her work.

that is all.

oh saturday...

so here i am at work. trying to study but it's not working out so well. genetics exam on monday. yikes.

best thing about studying where everyone can see you?

super hot dads who see you with your genetics book and start talking to you about it and complementing you on your extreme genius.

*swoon*

save me!!

i can't do it! it's too much! it should be illegal to put students under this much stress. 2 exams in one day AND a paper due? that's just crazyness!

the essay writing exam on monday and the paper writing today and the extreme reading tonight is killing me.

AND to make it all soooo much better, the dal web ct site is down. that's right. no workie. and that's where my class notes live. so now what? blindly reading the text book is driving me crazy because i feel like i'm missing the details.

ugh. i can't wait until it's over. i swear, tuesday december 12th, i'm sleeping all day.

all. day.

so don't try to call me or message me or e-mail me because i won't answer. because i'll be sleeping. all day.

i did however have an enlightening conversation with an assistant dean of science today. i am in love with dr. retalack. she knows everything. so the stats class has been dropped. but i'm going to try to pick up a 3000 level bio class. could be tricky. and turns out i need to take history or something. because philosophy is a humanity credit and i need a social science. balls. also, as a minor she suggested community design. interesting. and since i had that mentioned in my msn name, i got a message from a long lost once upon a time friend. best friend even. he dropped out of my life in an instant and i haven't heard from him in...i don't even know how long. he moved to alberta without even a goodbye. i found out from his msn name. so now he wants me to call him when he's in town over the holidays? i'm not sure what to do here. i said he could call me. if he calls, there might be coffee. if not, then maybe not.

ok. back to biology. wish me luck.

we live in a beautiful world

in the midst of finals hell and my bad mood and mopeyness, i have something.... to say. i don't know what it is.

a while back i stumbled upon a blog by a girl in her first year of university. i'm not sure how i got there or what made me start reading, but what i found was a girl who is very similar to me when i was in my first year of university. difference being that she is much more eloquent than i am. i have never been overly talented with words.

she wrote about feeling alone and unsure and unhappy in her situation. she felt disconnected from everything and unsure of how to proceed. that was me. in all of her posts, i see a little bit of myself so i tend to check back, just to see how she's doing.

today she wrote about song lyrics. now, i know that everyone hears/reads song lyrics and relates to them. i know that. but she wrote it. and coming from her, it feels a little more real. and she wrote about the relationships you have with the people around you. she brought up the question, if you died, who do you think would come to your funeral? who would cry? who's lives would be changed because you weren't here anymore. i think about that a lot. some days, i think that no one would even notice if i wasn't here. other days i picture a room overflowing with people mourning the loss of me. depends how i'm feeling on any given day. i know a lot of people, but i'm not close to a lot of people. i can think of people who might come, just to say they knew the girl who died. that a million lifetimes ago, we had this thing that looked like a friendship. and they'd try to make it sound like we were best friends. but really we weren't at all. it's sad that i think that of some people. but i can also think of [a few] people who [i think] would definitely be there [aside from my parents and brothers]. do you think that who showed up at your funeral would surprise you? this girl thinks we'd be surprised. because we don't really know how people feel. we're all too afraid to tell each other what is really going on. so there may be people who you think would definitely be there who you think care, but who don't really that much at all. and then there are people who care about you very much and you don't even really realize it.

her conclusions? don't wait to let people know how you feel. there is no such thing as too late. people don't have to step out of your life forever.

i can think of a few people i wish i hadn't let step out of my life. and i can think of a few people that are in the process of stepping out right now. why do i let myself lose touch with people? i never tell people how i feel. well, that's not entirely true. but i tend not to. for a number of reasons. fear of rejection, fear or confrontation, fear of reciprocation.

i don't know what else to say. i'm tired and i need to write a paper. but i think i'll go to sleep instead.

there's the switch.

know what i love?

lightbulb moments.

moments of clarity where you realize what's been happening all along, but you just couldn't see because the lightbulb was off. even though you were looking for the switch. because it sucks wandering around in the dark. but i guess it's different when you know you're in the dark. when it's mostly a case of wishing the light was on, but your eyes were just closed. but no.

now the light is on.

and maybe you feel like a bit of a retard. because you probably turned the light off yourself. moron.

but hey, it happens, right?

yeah...

superb.

man, sometimes people make me so mad. i hate the games people play and the shit they tell you. i hate when people act one way around you but it doesn't at all reflect what's actually going on. this is why i don't trust people. because no one is telling the truth.

i heart great big sea!

so i got my calendar in the mail and toady i went and checked the great big sea website and some of my pictures are posted! they didn't use all of the ones i sent them. but i'm totally happy with what they selected. you can go see them here.

happy december

i can't believe its december 1 already. this term went by so fast. i'm so excited for the break but i'm not excited at all for the extreme amout of work i have to do between now and break time. i'm really lucky this year. i'm done early. dec 11. excellent. that means i get a solid 3 weeks off before next term starts. sa-weet.

i've been feeling a little mopey latey. or a lot mopey. i think it's the time of year. i think that i've realized that stress makes me all depressed. it's a pretty bad thing. right now i'm stressed out the most about my genetics exam. i pretty much need to ace it and i'm not sure that's going to happen. also causing the stress is my winter term fee assessment. $3502.50. balls. that's totally unreasonable. my brother goes to smu and his is only like $2100 or $2200. smu bastards. or no, dal bastards. and then books on top of that. where is that money supposed to come from? ugh. see? stress.

i'm so tired. all i want to do is sleep. the bright side? 10 days and it's all over. and i might be dropping a class in the winter. why take stats if it's not required? i have a meeting on tuesday with some people in the know to discuss it.

i feel like i should have something important to say. but i don't. i'm just in that kind of mood. blah. that mood. you know? i need to read ishmael and write on the environmental themes before wednesday. i also have 2 exams on wednesday. and an exam on monday. and i have to work tomorrow. oh man. sucks.

ok. that's enough whining. i promise the next time won't be so bad. i'm looking forward to a good night at the deck once it's all over. that is my light.

p.s. i really want to go to festivus at the deck on monday because last year was way too much fun, but man, thats right in the middle of everything! i can't go! balls!