the beat of my heart, it tears us apart

yeah that's right. i just quoted hillary duff. but i felt it was fitting in this case.

monday was a shit day for me. i failed an exam and pushed someone the rest of the way out of my life. i was angry and hurt and possibly over-reacted. and then after it happened, i felt horrible. i've never felt so horrible and had so much regret.

but today, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i think that i'm finally going to be able to move on. my head feels clear and that strange ache in my chest, you know the one that makes you feel like crying, is not there. for the first time in a long time. i won't be wondering when the next apperance will be. and that's a great thing.

it's sad that i had to do it. it was such a small non-issue that was driving me crazy, but it was a self preservation thing. someone who doesn't care should not be someone i want to have in my life. so...gone. and it feels good. i'll remember the good times. that's all i can say.

in my still distraught state yesterday, i went looking for jobs that were not in halifax. i was ready to leave at a moments notice yesterday. i was still in pain over the whole pushing incident. i found a listing for a whale watching business up in the digby area. they want someone who can run the gift shop and book tours and all that. it's apparently a pretty biologicaly informative and environmentally friendly operation. the guy who runs it is actually a marine biologist and ecologist and has a masters in environmental science and is into conservation and all that. that's frigging awesome. i thought about applying. i think it would be cool. except...digby for the summer? really? would i hate it? or would it be the perfect little break from halifax? i might email him and ask for some more info.

thinking about leaving yesterday made me feel kinda shitty because i felt like i was running away. from everything. but then i remembered that line in catch-22 when yossarian is being critisized for leaving and he says "there is nothing negative about running away to save my life".