we live in a beautiful world

in the midst of finals hell and my bad mood and mopeyness, i have something.... to say. i don't know what it is.

a while back i stumbled upon a blog by a girl in her first year of university. i'm not sure how i got there or what made me start reading, but what i found was a girl who is very similar to me when i was in my first year of university. difference being that she is much more eloquent than i am. i have never been overly talented with words.

she wrote about feeling alone and unsure and unhappy in her situation. she felt disconnected from everything and unsure of how to proceed. that was me. in all of her posts, i see a little bit of myself so i tend to check back, just to see how she's doing.

today she wrote about song lyrics. now, i know that everyone hears/reads song lyrics and relates to them. i know that. but she wrote it. and coming from her, it feels a little more real. and she wrote about the relationships you have with the people around you. she brought up the question, if you died, who do you think would come to your funeral? who would cry? who's lives would be changed because you weren't here anymore. i think about that a lot. some days, i think that no one would even notice if i wasn't here. other days i picture a room overflowing with people mourning the loss of me. depends how i'm feeling on any given day. i know a lot of people, but i'm not close to a lot of people. i can think of people who might come, just to say they knew the girl who died. that a million lifetimes ago, we had this thing that looked like a friendship. and they'd try to make it sound like we were best friends. but really we weren't at all. it's sad that i think that of some people. but i can also think of [a few] people who [i think] would definitely be there [aside from my parents and brothers]. do you think that who showed up at your funeral would surprise you? this girl thinks we'd be surprised. because we don't really know how people feel. we're all too afraid to tell each other what is really going on. so there may be people who you think would definitely be there who you think care, but who don't really that much at all. and then there are people who care about you very much and you don't even really realize it.

her conclusions? don't wait to let people know how you feel. there is no such thing as too late. people don't have to step out of your life forever.

i can think of a few people i wish i hadn't let step out of my life. and i can think of a few people that are in the process of stepping out right now. why do i let myself lose touch with people? i never tell people how i feel. well, that's not entirely true. but i tend not to. for a number of reasons. fear of rejection, fear or confrontation, fear of reciprocation.

i don't know what else to say. i'm tired and i need to write a paper. but i think i'll go to sleep instead.