I have too much time alone with my own thoughts. It's not healthy. Or maybe it is. I'm not sure. I sit here with the tv on or music playing but not really pay attention to anything except the thing that has my brain tied up at this moment. It changes daily. Or even hourly. I feel trapped. Trapped in what? In...my own fear of taking a leap. If I'm unhappy with where things are going and how my life is progressing, I'm well aware of what needs to happen to change it. Why can't I just do it? I need to step outside my comfort zone and just go for it. I need to take a chance. On everything. Life, love, work, school... What am I missing? Because I'm here and have had opportunity to leave, how could my life have been different? Where might I be right now if I had fought for going away after high school. What if I had applied for the job at the London Science Museum? What if I had gone to work at the camp for the summer?
I'm just ready for a change from the way things are right now. I don't want to live the rest of my life just letting stuff happen to me. Or waiting for things to happen. I'm in a rut and it needs to change. But at the same time as I sit here and complain about needing to get out, I can't really imagine my life without the things I experienced as I was stuck here. So I guess it's not that bad. But I have a longing for the things I haven't done. I'm torn. Completely. About everything. Well, not one thing. But that's out of my hands.