kinda blah but trying not to stress

how do i end up in situations like this? i would call myself a smart girl. yet, here i am. in a not smart situation. i started out so pissed off. i don't even know how it got so out of hand. it will not be happening again.

it could have just as easily been me to send this to postsecret. fitting that it was posted today.

personal dna

You are an Experiencer

Your inquisitive nature, imagination, and hands-on practicality make you an EXPERIENCER.

Although you have an active imagination, you also concern yourself with the functional elements of things.

You are willing to experiment to find things that work the most efficiently.

Getting stuck in certain habits is boring to you—you'd rather find new experiences.

Accordingly, experiences are more important to you than objects—you'd rather spend your money and energy on events and adventures than on material things.

You like to contemplate a lot of options before making a decision, and you're willing and able to consider a lot of different angles to problems.

You're open to suggestions, and often rely on others to assess the merit of those suggestions.

You have an ability to see the big picture—not just how things are, but how they could be—in a variety of situations.

You're well-attuned to your emotional state, and not afraid to use your feelings to guide you. You tend to be cooperative, rarely contradicting others, and always considerate of their feelings.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:

Have faith that your imagination and practicality will complement each other, and lead to good decisions on your part.

Take the initiative in seeking things out—don't wait for them to come to you.
how you relate to others

You are Benevolent

You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT

You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.

Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.

You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.

You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you've never met.

Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others.

Other people's feelings are important to you, and you're good at mediating disputes.

Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.

If you want to be different:

You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!

Sometimes you can get overcommitted, and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you, it can make them feel unimportant.

funniest thing ever.

do you smell something burning?

i do. i think it's some liar pants on fire.

why do people have to say things they don't mean? is it an attempt to save my feelings? because it doesn't work. my attempt to be less trusting is not coming along very well. but why wouldn't i believe someone when they say they'll call after their busy next few days? especially after they've called about 10 times already?

i need to stop caring. and the thing is, i didn't care. not at all. until the satement that there would be a call in a few days. then i started waiting for the call. and started caring. silly me.

exhausted.

what a week. if the rest of the summer is this exhausting, i'm going to need to take a week off before school starts. i really like working with kids, but there are some kids that i just can't handle. kicking kids out of day camp is a difficult thing to do but sometimes it just needs to happen. but it kinda broke my heart.

why am i not surprised?

it always seems that i end up the fool. why is that? why are there such jerks out there and why do i always end up crossing their path? i guess its my fault this time for putting myself in the situation in the first place, but i really did feel like it was a legitimate situation. but i felt that the last time too. and we all know how that turned out.

either way, now i feel more than a little bit pathetic. so that's always awesome.

yes, i'm still here

i know. it's been forever since i've written. i've been busy, but that's not an excuse because i have had plenty to talk about.

so the class with the clone went gloriously. i loved every second of it and am pretty sad that it's over. i ended up seeing the instructor play his instrument of choice with a band. it was amazing. i could have seriously sat there all night and listened to him play. i'm on the lookout for the next time he plays.

my job started. lets talk about how frustrating that is. there is a complete lack of support and i can't stand it. i have been there for 5 years. i know what's going on. i can't imagine what it would be like for someone who has no experience. i have a meeting tomorrow with the head of it all. hopefully i can get some of my points across.

a lot of my friends have moved back to the area. i had a reunion of monumental proportions on friday night. all the ladies from my guarding days. it was crazy. had a good time though. hopefully there will be some more good times.

so about this whole not writing thing... i've been thinking about it a lot lately. i'll think that i want to write, and then just not do it. this is the conclusion i've come to. the one person who i really wanted to read this, i told to fuck off. i started it for me, but i continued it for him. mistake. and in my realization of this, i've also realized that if i did ever run into him on the street, i could pick it up exactly where it ended off like none of the badness ever happened. i miss him a lot.

this is getting ridiculous

what's up with moron kids? calling/emailing/leaving notes threatening your high school with bomb threats is just being a fucking stupid kid. it's not funny. it's not cool. it's just stupid. 3 high schools yesterday closed, and 3 more today. 2 of the 3 today were 2 that were closed yesterday. i mean, COME ON! today was obviously just a bunch of fucking copy cats trying to be "the man" or whatever. grow the fuck up.

one of the schools does not need a bomb threat. not that any of them do, but this one in particular is trying to repair the shitty image that was bestowed upon it back in the day by the fuckheads and media. everyone in my time at the school worked hard to bring the image around. people are proud of their school and the stupid people of today and yesterday are just ruining everything for everyone who is proud of their high school. i'd like to slap these kids and try to get them to see the bigger picture.

it's over *tear*

baaaahahahahahahahaha!!!

oh my god. tonight may have been the most hilarious night of my entire life. bruce frisko, you are the man. i can't believe that guy actually got the tattoo. awesome.

and running into people who i absolutely love? icing on the cake.

they say everyone has a twin

it just so happens that the instructor for my class is the damn clone of the one person i'd rather not have standing in front of me for two and a half hours every day for the next 3 weeks given the status of our now definitely non-relationship. know how hard it is to concentrate on what the clone is saying when you're thinking about all the stupid things that mean nothing that you should not be thinking about? the clone even has the same fucking name! what the hell! i'm being punished. i must be. because it's not fair to taunt me like this for no reason. ugh.

classes and jobs

so i got the job i didn't want. but now that i have it, i'm ok with it. should be ok. i'm looking forward to be in charge. and today was the first day of my summer class. it seems like it'll be ok. the reader will cost me $100 on top of the $660 the class costs.... holy expensive. i hate that one class is costing me almost $1000. stupid universtiy. i better get an A in this class after blowing cell biology the way i did. i'm so pissed about that. but whatever. what's done is done, right?

p.s. still no dinner with my father...

silence like a cancer grows

my whole life, my family has had supper together every day. well, every day that we are all home. except weekends. weekends are usually a free for all. it's obviously gotten harder to do as my brothers and i have gotten older with people working, late classes, friends, sports, and stuff like that. but more often than not, my whole family has supper together. i know, its weird but we do it.

except lately.

i'm not really sure what happened. my dad hasn't eaten supper with the family since friday. he's been home every night. mom sets a plate for him. but he never comes and eats. i have no idea why. no one in my family talks. i have no idea what's going on. jesus.

this is beginning to eat out my insides and feeding my desire to get the hell out of here. but that would actually be running away, wouldn't it?

and here it is!

i joined this group weeks ago. awesome.

alskjfhaskldhflaskjdhgf

thats how i feel.

i am completely torn over this whole summer job thing. i want a job i haven't even applied for and don't want the job i think i'm going to get. and if i get the job, i can't turn it down [complicated situation]. i am now kind of hoping i don't get it. but if i don't, i have no guarantee that i'll get the job i want to get.

ugh. stressing.

ugh. struggling.

i don't know what to do. i am so stressed over this whole summer job thing. i am pretty much in love with the description for the whale watching assistant job. i would love that job. but i have this hang up about going to digby for the summer. why? all i want is to get the hell out of halifax. why is this so difficult? i do not want to work where i think i'll end up working. so why don't i just go to digby? ugh. so stressed.

the quote at the end of this weeks grey's that i think pretty much says it all:

desire leaves us heart broken
desire can wreck our lives
but as tough as wanting something can be
the people who suffer the most
are those who don't know what they want

the beat of my heart, it tears us apart

yeah that's right. i just quoted hillary duff. but i felt it was fitting in this case.

monday was a shit day for me. i failed an exam and pushed someone the rest of the way out of my life. i was angry and hurt and possibly over-reacted. and then after it happened, i felt horrible. i've never felt so horrible and had so much regret.

but today, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i think that i'm finally going to be able to move on. my head feels clear and that strange ache in my chest, you know the one that makes you feel like crying, is not there. for the first time in a long time. i won't be wondering when the next apperance will be. and that's a great thing.

it's sad that i had to do it. it was such a small non-issue that was driving me crazy, but it was a self preservation thing. someone who doesn't care should not be someone i want to have in my life. so...gone. and it feels good. i'll remember the good times. that's all i can say.

in my still distraught state yesterday, i went looking for jobs that were not in halifax. i was ready to leave at a moments notice yesterday. i was still in pain over the whole pushing incident. i found a listing for a whale watching business up in the digby area. they want someone who can run the gift shop and book tours and all that. it's apparently a pretty biologicaly informative and environmentally friendly operation. the guy who runs it is actually a marine biologist and ecologist and has a masters in environmental science and is into conservation and all that. that's frigging awesome. i thought about applying. i think it would be cool. except...digby for the summer? really? would i hate it? or would it be the perfect little break from halifax? i might email him and ask for some more info.

thinking about leaving yesterday made me feel kinda shitty because i felt like i was running away. from everything. but then i remembered that line in catch-22 when yossarian is being critisized for leaving and he says "there is nothing negative about running away to save my life".

ah the bitter taste of regret.

it's only been 12 hours and i already hate myself for the stupid stupid thing i did. but i can't fix it.

ugh.

way to push someone away, loser....

and more tears. awesome.

it's almost over!!

i can pretty much taste it. sweet freedom. my last exam is tonight at 7 then i'm done! ow ow!!

well, done until may 5 when my summer class starts. haha! but i think that class will be a joke. popular music before 1960? yeah. think i can handle it. i wanted to take guitar theory and history because they actually teach you how to play guitar, but its during the day and runs till the end of june. and [hopefully] i will be working by the end of may. so i can't take it. sad but oh well.

i'm a little nervous about this cell bio exam. i love cell bio and the prof, but there is just soooo much confusing information to remember and understand. i feel like i could study for a thousand years and still not know everything. i need to get an 80 on this exam and i'll get an A in the class. and that would be a glorious thing, wouldn't it? an A in cell biology? yes. i got an A in my technology and environment philosophy class though. first A ever! but that class was kind of a joke. everyone should take it. plus the prof loved me.

ok. back to studying. i will OWN you cell bio!

what the hell. seriously.

dear americans,

i've had enough of your fucking guns. what's up with shooting people? first virginia tech and now nasa? this week has been ridiculous and all it proves is that you need to do something with your gun laws. for real. clearly there needs to be some more intense background and psychological checking done before you should be able to buy a gun.

and another question, dear americans - why the need to carry concealed weapons? i understand that some of you want to seem like big and important people, but obviously you can't handle the responsibility. some of you think its your civil right to be able to carry a gun, but i seriously do not understand the need. you think that in your general every day lives you may be required to shoot something/someone? arguments of self defence are basically bullshit. because if no one was carrying a gun, it wouldn't be an issue. do you have a fear of someone coming at you with a gun for no reason that will require you to act in self defence? the way i see it is, if you're involved with the sorts of people who feel they actually need a gun to get through their everyday life, you're probably in some kind of trouble and possibly hanging out with a troubled group of people.

all you pro-gun nuts out there who are suggesting things like, "if the virginia tech students had been carrying guns, this could have been prevented", sould be set adrift on some sort of make-shift raft and left to fend for yourselves [i'm talking to you ted nugent - read here]. because that is definitely the most absurd thing i have ever heard. more guns is not the solution to this problem. less guns is the solution. yeah, the bad guys will probably always have guns. but this virginia tech guy got his guns legally. that's the problem. i'm not saying hunting rifles should go. it's the random people carrying assult weapons that is the problem. if it were legal for everyone to carry a gun everywhere, crazier people than this guy will be walking around everyday armed. yeah, great idea....

you will never convince me that carrying a gun is a good idea. ever. that some people seem so willing to shoot someone else is quite disturbing. when tempers get heated and people are carrying guns, things can escalate quickly. thats when problems start to happen. or, if everyone has a gun, people will start just shooting people and crying self defence. or they thought they were being a hero.

so in conclusion friends, i just want to say, put down the gun and start living like canadians. everyone will like you a whole lot more.

much love from the north,

me.
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ok. that's all i'm going to say on it. i've definitely reached my breaking point on this whole thing. i'm tired of crying and being angry.

one word that i know i could definitely go the rest of my life without ever hearing again is 'massacre'. pretty unlikely, i know, but i can hope, can't i?