every time i wonder why i think back to the kindness in your eyes

i can't take it. i've been sitting here for...almost an hour trying to figure out exactly what it is i want to say.

ever watch movies or tv shows where one person realizes they could be losing or have lost or missed their chance with some great person, and then goes after them in some grand display of their affections for that person? or even a minor display of affections...

ok. i'm going to take this time to warn you that this could be quite an incoherrant post. because i'm not really sure what i'm trying to say and i'm just going to type as it comes into my head.

i don't like being lied to. i've been lied to before. really bad. and maybe this wasn't an outright lie, but at this point, it feels like a lie. or...maybe a complete lack of...everything. consideration, thought... all of it. maybe it was all said to be nice, preserve my feelings, but again - doesn't feel like it now. because now i'm hurting way more than if everything had just been straight from the start. or even if things had been straight at the end. i hate the way it ended. that's what i hate the most. the end. especially if it was just to please me. because now? i feel like shit and a moron. have you ever been able to hear someone laughing on the inside? i can now tell that's what was happening.

i was disappointed every time i didn't get a response. and i justified it. in various ways. because i wanted to believe that it wasn't all fake. and i know it wasn't even anything to begin with, but i still want to believe that maybe it was almost a friendship. because that's how it seemed at the time. and i thought it would just fade away. i was sure of it. because i knew that there would be no more contact. i prepared for the worst. i really did. but now, here i am almost 2 months later, and i'm starting to hurt. really hurt. and i never wanted to hurt. i never wanted it to go that far. i didn't intend for it to. but it did. and i'm hurting.

i honestly thought it would work out. or, maybe not work out, i don't know how it would go, but i thought we'd give it a go. i thought we had that. there were things that made me think that things i said were actually heard and remembered. there was a thoughtfulness. there was a trust. there was a closeness. even if it was small. it was there. which i guess is why it hurts. can you give someone up cold turkey? can you actually just forget people? stop caring?

i don't know what the real reasons were. maybe it was all true. maybe it wasn't. either way, i could have been the greatest person they will never really get to know. but every so often i find myself hoping for a gesture. any gesture. it's not too late. yet. even though, it should be.