sometimes people surprise you and sometimes they don't

not surprising: he didn't call.

i know it's my fault too. but this is why i don't trust people. i know that people say things they don't mean when they're trying to get what they want, but to try to talk about plant anatomy and to actually carry on a conversation about it, that seems like a little too much effort for someone to put in for a one night stand. there are a thousand other things to talk about. and to remember random things that i said a month ago about whatever? i don't know. i guess i'm just really naive. this is where we were headed all along.

surprising: i got the best advice from someone who i didn't think would care either way.

most people i had a conversation with about this [which was only 3 or 4 people] said that i should just botty call him and have fun and that he should be my random hook up friend. and then there was one person i talked to last night who said that i shouldn't do anything because i'm not that kind of person and that he thought i'd regret it and end up getting hurt because i actually care about people and deserve to have people care about me. which this guy clearly does not. honestly, i was shocked that he said that to me. not because i don't think it's not true, but because i would have considered myself least close to him on the list of friends. but he gave the advice of a real friend. and for that i'm greatful.

i think that i was feeling exactly what he told me about me not being the random hook up kind of girl, i just needed to hear it. but i'm getting tired of not having anyone in my life. i think i was really only considering it because a random someone is better than no one. but i know i'd never last. i would end up hurt and going crazy. i'd be too invested and want more.

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on an unrelated note, if you kick someone out of your life, is it ok to wish them a happy birthday? because the boot was given under conditions of extreme stress and frustration. i immediately regreted the action that was taken and wish pretty much every day that i could take it back. i thought i'd stop caring. that it would just fade away. but i haven't stopped. i still wonder how he's doing and what he's up to. i care because i know that things were difficult and he's good people and i want everything to be ok for him.

ugh. i hate how much i care about everything. why do i need to always get so invested? such a waste of energy. no one ever cares anywhere near as much back. except my advice friend. once, he cared more than i did and i hurt him.

this is getting too mopey. i'm done.