what is happening?

so here we are. turns out that adding the right person to facebook results in the most glorious connection in all of time. i didn't want to get into it earlier because one can never be too careful about counting one's chickens before they've hatched. and 2 weeks ago i was confident and started counting my chickens.

so what caused me to feel that it was time for chicken counting (ok that's the end of the chicken thing. promise). it started with the best first date ever in all of time. it's amazing the instant comfort i felt as soon as my head hit his shoulder. and how the perfect play list was compiled without any information to go on but a lousy, uninformative facebook music list. the awesome continues with letters from home describing the place he grew up. i felt like i was there. i feel like i could go there and recognize the places described in the emails. letters signed with hugs and declarations of perfection and wishing i was there too only add to the happiness. the warmth of his arms, the tingles i feel from thousands of kisses and the smell of him could make me lie there forever. then there are 3 hour phone calls even though he hates the phone and cuddling at concerts an beers in the setting sunlight coming in through the pub window. he's hilarious, creative, caring, kind, talented and loves his family. he told me i'm amazing and beautiful.

everything was fantastic.

except.

except for the initial feelings of weirdness spouted while having a moment of perfection that brought tears to my eyes. and even though apologies were made, the seed has been planted that there are doubts. so now, at the 6 week mark, the emails have decreased and the suggestion of a family dinner has been glazed over like it was never suggested and there are no plans to see each other again, and plans were rejected for this weekend, the fear is quickly growing. it's rising up over my head like a wave and i'm waiting for the break. it's all going to come crashing down on my head, knocking me off my feet and sending me spinning, flying, out of control, even though i saw it coming.

i never want this wave to crash.

i love this song.

please. there is no need to be a jerk.

why do people feel the need to be douche bags to the people who are taking care of their children? if i hate you, chances are i'm gonna hate your kid. just by default. so here's the list. you might be an ass hole if:

a) you try to scam the early drop off. jesus man! you know the drill! you can drop your kid off at 8:00 if you pay the $20!! and don't try to act like you don't know what i'm talking about. we had this fight (which you won on a technicality) on week one. now you're back and these are the rules. if you can "stick around" until 8:30, you can just wait until then to show up. fucker.

b) you flip out over a lifejacket. why do you think that i would knowingly endanger your child? the boat is huge!! no one wears lifejackets. it's like getting on the ferry and putting on a lifejacket. your kid is not going to fall off and you would not put a lifejacket on them if you went on as a family. ok. i get your concern. really i do. this is your kid. but i would never plan an activity that i didn't think was 300% safe. and no one is more cautious of the water than me. for real. and if you want your kid to wear the lifejacket on the huge sailing ship, i'm down. i don't care if your kid hates their life and looks like a moron. all you need to do is talk to me like a civilized adult, and request that your child wear the lifejacket. there is no need to scream at my staff and i in the lobby with other parents, kids and staff there about how we decieved you and purposely didn't inform parents that their kids would be on a boat.

c) you ignore me when i tell you your kid is causing trouble. nothing infuriates me more than when parents don't have enough respect for me to listen to me when i talk to them. i'm not just telling you your kid is bad for my health. i hate getting kids in trouble with their parents. i only do it when there is a good reason. like holding up the whole field trip for 20 minutes because all of the sudden and for no good reason, the kid decides he doesn't want to go on the field trip. so he sits there. and doesn't move. no wonder the kid is a jerk to everyone. i see where he gets it.

so thats all for now. i'm tired and annoyed and i'm going to bed. i'll add to the list at a later time.

i don't like giving up on people

so here i am. pissed off. just as i expected. thanks for nothing. i'm done.

strange social connections

how well do you have to know someone before you can add them to facebook? it's so weird, you know? you put yourself out there and so many random people add you as 'friends' but everytime i click to add someone as a friend, i question how tight that friendship is. why is that? it seems like there doesn't have to be any sort of relationship at all for some people to add people to this ridiculous web of social connections. and other people will only add their nearest and dearest as friends on facebook. i'm torn somewhere in the middle. i don't want to be one of those people who has 700 'friends'. no one has 700 friends. but i think that adding the occasional casual acquaintance is fine.

so here is where my conundrum lies. adding someone i work with, but don't really know at all, but would like to know better. i mean, i don't know if we'll be best friends forever, but after the half hour conversation we had today, i think it might be ok. why am i always questioning who i am to other people? and i don't even (always) mean in any sort of intense or romantic way. i just mean, will they recoil in confusion at my request to be their 'friend'. will they wonder, what is this girl doing? this strange girl who thinks she knows me and adds me to facebook like i'm her best friend. i don't even know her. what is she doing?

facebook brings out my insecurities. but i'm going to go for it. bring on the awkward.

i hope you know i care

so i know this won't be seen by the right person. and i doubt they'll read the email. but i'm putting it out there anyway.

happy birthday.

i miss you.

i hope you're ok.

ouch, i have lost myself again

how did i get back here? although, i guess i'm not entirely sure i ever left.

i guess it is a bit different. my feelings definitely changed back around the end of april. i think it's just because it's the summer and last summer was so completely different that it feels like it was a thousand years ago and i just miss the way things were.

it's strange to me how other people can just not care. how is that even possible? we were both part of the "friendship" or whatever it was. i never got the impression that it was nothing. but i don't know why i can't move on. it's been so long and i have no reason to think that we'll ever talk again. i was never lead on. it was always completely clear that nothing was going to happen. not that i even want anything to happen. i hate this. i just want to talk. just to see how things are going. i've never been just cut off so completely and finally by someone i considered a friend before. it's not fair how other people get to make decisions that have such an impact on someone else's life. i didn't get a say in this.

he told me once that he thought i tended to write pretty interesting stuff [except for lately i've been queen of the mopeys] and that's why he read my blog. i wonder if he still thinks about me since i told him to stop reading? probably not. i need to get it through my head. he's just another one to add to the list. selfish jerks who don't care.

postsecret created a short video. i love it. here it is.

sometimes people surprise you and sometimes they don't

not surprising: he didn't call.

i know it's my fault too. but this is why i don't trust people. i know that people say things they don't mean when they're trying to get what they want, but to try to talk about plant anatomy and to actually carry on a conversation about it, that seems like a little too much effort for someone to put in for a one night stand. there are a thousand other things to talk about. and to remember random things that i said a month ago about whatever? i don't know. i guess i'm just really naive. this is where we were headed all along.

surprising: i got the best advice from someone who i didn't think would care either way.

most people i had a conversation with about this [which was only 3 or 4 people] said that i should just botty call him and have fun and that he should be my random hook up friend. and then there was one person i talked to last night who said that i shouldn't do anything because i'm not that kind of person and that he thought i'd regret it and end up getting hurt because i actually care about people and deserve to have people care about me. which this guy clearly does not. honestly, i was shocked that he said that to me. not because i don't think it's not true, but because i would have considered myself least close to him on the list of friends. but he gave the advice of a real friend. and for that i'm greatful.

i think that i was feeling exactly what he told me about me not being the random hook up kind of girl, i just needed to hear it. but i'm getting tired of not having anyone in my life. i think i was really only considering it because a random someone is better than no one. but i know i'd never last. i would end up hurt and going crazy. i'd be too invested and want more.

------------------------

on an unrelated note, if you kick someone out of your life, is it ok to wish them a happy birthday? because the boot was given under conditions of extreme stress and frustration. i immediately regreted the action that was taken and wish pretty much every day that i could take it back. i thought i'd stop caring. that it would just fade away. but i haven't stopped. i still wonder how he's doing and what he's up to. i care because i know that things were difficult and he's good people and i want everything to be ok for him.

ugh. i hate how much i care about everything. why do i need to always get so invested? such a waste of energy. no one ever cares anywhere near as much back. except my advice friend. once, he cared more than i did and i hurt him.

this is getting too mopey. i'm done.

kinda blah but trying not to stress

how do i end up in situations like this? i would call myself a smart girl. yet, here i am. in a not smart situation. i started out so pissed off. i don't even know how it got so out of hand. it will not be happening again.

it could have just as easily been me to send this to postsecret. fitting that it was posted today.

personal dna

You are an Experiencer

Your inquisitive nature, imagination, and hands-on practicality make you an EXPERIENCER.

Although you have an active imagination, you also concern yourself with the functional elements of things.

You are willing to experiment to find things that work the most efficiently.

Getting stuck in certain habits is boring to you—you'd rather find new experiences.

Accordingly, experiences are more important to you than objects—you'd rather spend your money and energy on events and adventures than on material things.

You like to contemplate a lot of options before making a decision, and you're willing and able to consider a lot of different angles to problems.

You're open to suggestions, and often rely on others to assess the merit of those suggestions.

You have an ability to see the big picture—not just how things are, but how they could be—in a variety of situations.

You're well-attuned to your emotional state, and not afraid to use your feelings to guide you. You tend to be cooperative, rarely contradicting others, and always considerate of their feelings.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:

Have faith that your imagination and practicality will complement each other, and lead to good decisions on your part.

Take the initiative in seeking things out—don't wait for them to come to you.
how you relate to others

You are Benevolent

You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT

You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.

Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.

You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.

You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you've never met.

Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others.

Other people's feelings are important to you, and you're good at mediating disputes.

Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.

If you want to be different:

You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!

Sometimes you can get overcommitted, and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you, it can make them feel unimportant.

funniest thing ever.

do you smell something burning?

i do. i think it's some liar pants on fire.

why do people have to say things they don't mean? is it an attempt to save my feelings? because it doesn't work. my attempt to be less trusting is not coming along very well. but why wouldn't i believe someone when they say they'll call after their busy next few days? especially after they've called about 10 times already?

i need to stop caring. and the thing is, i didn't care. not at all. until the satement that there would be a call in a few days. then i started waiting for the call. and started caring. silly me.